How to Improve Interpersonal Communication Skills

Julia comes home from work one day feeling upset and furious about the way her boss treats her, along with her other female co-workers. Upon returning home and seeing her husband Eward, she begins to pour out her frustrations to him. Edward is completely unaware of, or takes very lightly, Julia's concerns by telling a joke. Julia looks at him with an expression of outrage. She cannot believe how lightly Edward is taking the matter and becomes even more infuriated. Julia begins to express angrily how inconsiderate he is being towards her, and how he cannot take anything seriously. She then storms out crying. Edward follows behind her apologizing, insisting that he was completely unaware of how serious the matter was to her and had no idea she was angry. In this incident, although Julia did not tell Edward that she was upset if he had paid attention to all of the signs, this outburst could have been avoided.

How we interact or communicate with others, whether it is socially, personally, or with our families is essential in determining how healthy our relationships will be. Understanding interpersonal communication and how to respond tactfully can undoubtedly improve our relationships. There are various aspects that need to be considered in regards to interpersonal communication- our self-concept, our perception, how we listen, and the ways we communicate non-verbally.

The Self

How we look at ourselves influences how we will interact with those around us and how they will interact with us. The way we see ourselves is encouraged by the way those in our surroundings perceive us and the things they say about us. We often compare ourselves to those around us. Therefore, what we have come to understand about ourselves determines how we perceive ourselves.

The way others treat us and react to us affects our self-concept, especially when their opinions are greatly valued. Children value their parents' perception. Adults value their friends, colleagues, and significant others perceptions. We develop a high self-image if we are treated highly and vice versa.

Comparing ourselves with others helps us to identify what our qualities are, what we dislike about ourselves and what we are capable of. We may observe someone's personality and judge ourselves negatively because we do not like that particular aspect of our personality. For example, a daughter realizes that she has the same temperamental and stubborn personality of her mother and may judge herself negatively based on that.

The final aspect we consider in our self-concept is the understanding and conclusions we make of ourselves. Being aware of ourselves or the level at which we know ourselves are made up of four components:

1. The Open Self- all the information, attitudes, feelings, desires, motivations, and ideas that both we and others know about.

2. The Blind Self- things others know about us that we do not know.

3. The Hidden Self- things that we know that others do not know.

4. The Unknown Self- things no one knows, not even our self.

Being aware of these aspects helps us to know ourselves better and improves our communication skills because now we have both the opinions of others and knowledge of ourselves.

The more we increase our level of self-awareness the better will be our interpersonal communication. To do this we must ask questions, listen to others opinions of us, ask them questions about ourselves, and try to understand who we are better through our experiences.

Self-Esteem is a vital aspect in improving our interpersonal communication skills. The way we feel about ourselves can affect the way we communicate. Some individuals are unable to communicate with confidence because they are constantly focusing on themselves, what they are going to say next, or worrying about whether the person is interested in what they have to say. Low self-esteem basically makes an individual have a negative self-image of himself. Therefore, these people do not take advantage of opportunities because they are constantly putting themselves down and telling themselves that they do not have the potential to succeed at what they are attempting. They thus, never find out what they are capable of.

Dismissing all negativity from our thoughts is the key to increasing our self-esteem. Think in a realistic way, not expecting perfection of ourselves. Think about our accomplishments and positive qualities y. Also, avoid those people who constantly criticize and find fault in almost everything you do. Your associates should be those who will give you constant encouragement, will motivate you, and make you become a better individual.

Perception

Perception is a vital aspect in the interpersonal communication process. How we perceive ourselves and others affects the way we interpret messages and how we handle ourselves in a given situation.

Perceptions of the Self. How is the way we perceive ourselves important in the communication process? Our self-concept, the idea or mental image that we have of our skills, abilities, knowledge, competencies, and personality, plays a part in the communication process. For example, if a person considers himself as having the characteristic of being shy, he or she will find it hard to communicate with others. If an individual tells himself that a certain individual or group of people are better than himself, he will find it difficult to communicate or might all together avoid interaction with these particular people. Also, the comments others make about us helps to develop our self-concept. If someone says that you are a very kind and giving person you may incorporate that into the way you feel about yourself.

"Our self-esteem,...our overall evaluation of our competence and personal worthiness," is also vital in the communication process. " If our self-concept is made up of negative evaluations we will have low self-esteem and vice versa. As a result this will affect the way we behave with those around us. Thinking negatively will erode the confidence that we have in ourselves, making us feel unworthy of certain associations.

Perceptions of Others. Our perceptions of others can influence the way we communicate with them. Our level of comfort increases as knowledge of the other person increases. On the other hand, our level of comfort may decrease when we do not like what we perceive about an individual. "The factors that are likely to influence our social perceptions as we seek to reduce uncertainty about the other person include physical characteristics and social behaviors, stereotyping, and emotional states." Our first impressions can make a lasting impression in terms of our physical characteristics and social behaviors. For example, a young man's first impression of his girlfriend's family became one of dislike because he perceived through her families lack of welcome and warmth that her family would never accept him for his difference in culture and physical appearance. Therefore, first impressions can determine how close two or more people will be inter-personally.

Kathleen and Rudolph Verderber, in their book Interact, give some pointers on how we can improve our perceptions of others:

1. Question the accuracy of your perceptions.

2. Seek more information to verify perceptions.

3. Realize that perceptions of people may need to be changed over time. It takes strength of character to say to yourself or others, "I was wrong."

4. Use perception checking to verify conclusions you have drawn; watch the behavior of the person; ask yourself, "What does that behavior mean to me?"; put your interpretation of the behavior into words to verify whether your perception is accurate.

Non-verbal Communication

Non-verbal expressions usually influence our perceptions and in the end helps us determine how well we will get along with an individual on an interpersonal level.

Our body motions. Eye contact, facial expression, and gestures, are used voluntarily and involuntarily to communicate to others. These nonverbal expressions communicate our emotions and thoughts.

When we communicate we must constantly make it a practice not to stray from the other person's eyes because eye contact can communicate many different ideas to the recipient. Through eye contact you can communicate many different ideas to the recipient. Through eye contact we can tell when someone is angry, hurt, or afraid. We also see whether a person is focusing on what we are saying.

Facial expressions also play a role in improving our interpersonal communication. We can often time read what a person has on his mind or how he is emotionally by just looking at the "brows and forehead, the eyes, eyelids, and root of the nose; the cheeks, mouth, remainder of the nose, and chin."

Some people may use hand gestures but use the wrong descriptive gestures. Others use little or no gestures at all. Using gestures directs and expresses how important the ideas we communicate are.

Listening

Our listening skills are one of the most vital aspects of our interpersonal communication. There are some basic skills that should be applied to be a good listener: Evaluating, Responding, Receiving, and Understanding.

Receiving. In listening attentively we must put a mental block on everything that is going on around us and focus on what the speaker is saying. Pay attention not only to what the individual is saying but also to what he is not saying. For example, we can observe their non-verbal actions to determine their state of mind at the moment. Also, try to avoid interrupting the speaker out of respect.

Understanding. At times we may completely misinterpret what a speaker is saying. Therefore to make certain that your interpretations are correct or if you heard correctly, always ask questions. Try to get a grasp of what he or she is feeling and thinking at the moment. Put similar details together from what the speaker has already said and is saying now and look at things in their perspective rather than your own.

Evaluating. Evaluating while listening is when we draw conclusions about what the person is saying. This should be avoided until we have heard everything the person has to say. Do not prejudge or doubt the individual. To make sure that your understanding of what the speaker is saying is accurate, ask questions. Produce facts about what the speaker is trying to imply, and if what they are saying is accurate or just one of their own ideas. Try to decipher, by listening to what they are saying, what their likes and dislikes are, and what their principles are. It is amazing what we can find out in one conversation by listening attentively.

Responding. When we respond during a conversation it informs the speaker that we are listening. Using expressions such as "uh huh" helps the speaker know that our thoughts are not on something else. In addition, it is also important to give feedback after the speaker has expressed his or her opinion. Do not hesitate to speak your mind in a respectful and honest manner.

In conclusion, the way we communicate on an interpersonal level has a great affect on the responses we receive from our coworkers, friends, family and lovers. That is why it is absolutely vital that we pay attention to the way we communicate. There are many bad experiences that we may have faced because what we said came out the wrong way or we just responded the wrong way.

There are many other aspects of interpersonal communication that need to be brought to our attention but applying these concepts will go a long way in improving the way we communicate to others. Hopefully the information you received will be of some benefit in your relationships.