How to Increase the Self Esteem of Any Male Child Under 10 Years Old

To manage the change and uncertainty that will characterize the twenty-first century, young male teens need to learn to see themselves and their capabilities in a positive light. If your son is to be able to manage several career changes successfully, adapt to new situations and markets, sell himself as a self-employed consultant or skilled craftsman, or negotiate constructively within relationships, he must believe in himself and feel he has many talents to offer. If he grows up seeing himself as a source of pain, distress, disappointment and disaster, he won't have confidence to take on challenges or commitments.

So how can adults help to create boys who are motivated, enthusiastic and full of optimism? It is vital to be supportive, extend their horizons and give them plenty of positive feedback, but it is also essential that we cut down on blame, nagging and criticism; they send harmful messages about how likeable and competent our sons are, with damaging consequences for their emotional stability, self-esteem and motivation.

Not only sticks and stones hurt. We can appreciate that hurtful things said to a boy in the playground will wound him. It is far harder to acknowledge that our own constant criticism will make a boy feel there's something wrong with him and undermine his confidence, independence, initiative and morale. He will be looking over his shoulder all the time, hearing your voice, wondering which of his actions will be next in line for your disapproval. Shouting, unwarranted blame and harsh, erratic punishment have a similar effect; they shatter his security.

We find many ways to justify our negative words and excuse ourselves. We may believe he deserved it or knows we really love him, or see his challenging reactions as a sign that our words didn't hurt, not realizing the shield he raises is a protective fiction. Men, especially, may believe a boy needs toughening up if they sense he is easily hurt. But a boy who 'can't take constructive criticism' has, in fact, taken a bucketful of it and should be given no more if he is to have any energy left to protect his self-respect.

Neglect hurts, too. Institutionalized teenage offenders consistently mention feeling neglected by parents who lead lives in which they hardly feature and who allow them too much freedom for their age, which they interpret as indifference. What counts to a boy is not his parent's declaration that he is loved, but whether this has been actively demonstrated to his satisfaction.