How Infertility Affects a Marriage

The definition of infertility is the failure to conceive a pregnancy after trying to conceive for one full year. There are two types of infertility; primary and secondary. Primary infertility is when a pregnancy has never occurred. Secondary infertility is when there has been a previous pregnancy but the couple are unable to conceive again after one full year. Both types of infertility can be devastating to a marriage. Infertility effects a marriage in so many ways. Some marriages do not survive infertility.

It is estimated that currently in the United States, 20% of couples will struggle with infertility at some time or other. The problem of infertility seems to be increasing every year. Some studies blame society and the fact that many marriages are occurring at later ages than they use to. Therefore, the well known fact that a woman's fertility decreases with age comes into play.

A couple can grow and have a stronger marriage or even end up in such turmoil and heartache that the marriage will end due to infertility problems. These effects on a marriage can be seen in the strong feelings of anger, guilt and feeling completely powerless to make your dream a reality that any couple dealing with infertility will exhibit. I remember shedding countless tears to my husband and seeing the look of pain on his face because he felt that he couldn't "produce" the child we so desperately longed for.

Infertility can ravage a marriage but it does't always have to. There are many things that you, as a couple, can do to help your marriage survive an infertility problem. The effects of infertility should never ever be taken lightly. Infertility and it's effect on your marriage can be one of your life's biggest challenges and should be treated as such.

Something that you, as a couple, could do to help you during this disappointing time in your marriage is to keep the lines of communication open between the two of you. Communication is so very important in a marriage at all times but even more so when you are dealing with infertility. Communication HAS to be a top priority no matter what occurs during you journey to conceive.

Discuss what exactly you want to do about your infertility problem. How far are the both of you willing to go in trying to obtain your goal of a child? If it turns out that you can't conceive naturally will you both be willing, both mentally and financially, to go into strenuous fertility procedures or even to consider adoption? Will the husband be able to handle producing sperm samples, possibly giving his wife painful shots, going to doctor appointments, all of those activities that are commonly performed when a couple is seeking medical assistance to conceive? All of this and much more should be dicussed beforehand.

Will the wife be able to handle turning her body over to science? Infertility treatments can make a woman feel like a lab experiment. Every part of her body is poked and prodded and questioned. The high doses of hormones that a woman has to take during her journey to conceive can have so many effects on her body. Both mentally and physically. Hormones can cause an ever changing variety of mood swings and even weight gain. Sex no longer feels like an act of love but more like a test that will produce either a positive or negative "grade" in a few weeks.

Infertility affects a marriage differently from couple to couple. For some it brings them closer together. After infertility, these couples feel that they can survive anything together. Unfortunately, with other couples, infertility can ultimately be the end of a marriage. There can be many reasons to explain the end of the marriage. Sometimes their marriage is just not the same anymore. They have been tested and tested so much that the love and intimacy has just gone out of the marriage. For others who never conceive, it could be that one person is unable to conceive and the other still wants a child. Therefore, the couple will part ways. This could be caused by pain, shame and blame. Not to mention, a lack of communication during all of their infertility problems. This is why it is so very important to keep those lines of communication open in a marriage.

Another thing that you could do while dealing with infertility is to stick together. Once you have jointly come a decision about how you want to handle your infertility, then stick together on that decision. A wife wants her husbands support when she is having to go through procedures and so does the husband. So for instance a couple decided to do IVF but at the last minute the husband backs out of it for whatever reason. How would you feel if you were that wife? Probably very upset. She feels like her husband has clearly abandoned her on this road to motherhood. A marriage can not survive such abandonment. It may not end a marriage but the marriage will never be the same again.

My husband and I suffered through two years of trying to conceive our first child. Each month of those two years was a devastation. Each month I had a negative home pregnancy test to show him. Each month I cried to him about why we couldn't just have the baby we so desperately wanted. So one day I finally decided to pick up the phone and make an appointment with a local fertility doctor.

My appointment was scheduled for two months later. So during those two months we continued in our journey to try and conceive. Like every month we had our day to test and that day just happen to be the day before my doctor appointment. Low and Behold! There it was! My very first POSITIVE home pregnancy test! What timing my little girl had, wouldn't you say? In the following December my first daughter was born. What a miracle she was, and still is.

A few years down the road we decided to try for baby #2. We assumed it would take us a long time again. To our surprise our second daughter was conceived our first month trying. My husband was as ecstatic as I was when I showed him the positive test. His first response to it was, "ALREADY!?!?". Once our second daughter was about two years old we decided to try our luck one more time. We hoped for another quick conception but prepared ourselves for another long haul. We had been trying to conceive for one year when I came across the idea of charting and temping my cycles. That worked like a charm. Six months later we were pregnant with daughter number three. She was born in January 2005.

Through all of this, my husband and I stuck together. We discussed every option available to great extent. We talked about what we would be able to handle and what we wouldn't. We talked about adoption. We talked about IUI and IVF. We talked about us. I believe that this open communication helped us keep our sanity and our marriage safe and sound.

My sister and her husband are currently going through hard times while trying to conceive thier first child. My sister has had two surgeries, tons of hormones and a failed IUI over the last several years that they have been dealing with infertility. Right now they are preparing for another IUI session with a new doctor. I just know that they will succeed in conceiving the child we all so desperately want for them. Luckily for them, they have a tremendously strong relationship and I know that all will turn out fine.

In the end, always be on the look out for how infertility is affecting your marriage. If you see something going wrong, correct it immediately. You and your spouse love each other. Keep that in mind at all times. Don't let your desire to have a child outweigh the love you have between the two of you.