How to Install a Hot Tub

For those of you unfamiliar with how Web sites like Associated Content work, content producers (or to you novices: writers) are rewarded monetarily based on page views. The more people you can entice into visiting your page, the more money you make. And the more money you make, the better class of prostitute you can afford.

The most successful content producers on Associated Content-and sites just like it-write articles on subjects that are typically searched by Internet users. For instance, "How-Tos"-articles that give step-by-step instructions on how to do something useful, such as building a pipe bomb-represent among the most searched content on the Internet.

The big money makers in the world of content writing also have a strong understanding of a practice known as SEO (Search Engine Optimization), in which keywords are strategically included within articles in order to get top billing by search engines such as Google. If you were to write an article in which you tell people how to quickly make friends, you would want the words "how to grow pot in your backyard" to appear numerous times within the article. A Google search of those words would likely bring a link to your article on the results page.

As a humor writer, I don't really concern myself much with SEO. There just aren't a whole lot of people out there searching the Internet for information on the type of crap I regularly churn out. But even a humor piece can get an unexpected number of page views if the title matches a highly searched subject. My most viewed article is one titled Ranking the Presidents of the United States-a piece in which I rank the presidents based on my own warped set of criteria. I imagine most of the page views come from students searching for presidential rankings produced by someone who knows what the hell he's talking about. No such luck for those who have clicked the link to my little pile of crap. But I don't care-each accidental page view gets me a few cents closer to a higher class prostitute.

By pure luck such as the aforementioned and the fact that I have built a modest but loyal collection of demented fans, I have managed to amass a respectable number of page views. Toss enough crap out into cyberspace and somebody's bound to trip over it. But I have to admit that I am envious of those writers who can crank out legitimate how-to pieces that actually fulfill the needs of a public wishing to learn how to do something useful.

Unfortunately, I don't know how to do anything anyone else would want to know how to do. I would, however, like to give it a shot just to see how many page views I can get. So here for your consumption is some valuable information on how to install a hot tub.

How to Install a Hot Tub - Step 1

The truth is I don't know diddly-squat about installing a hot tub. In fact anything that involves hooking up both plumbing and electricity sounds way too dangerous for my liking. Now if this article was titled "How to Get Drunk and 'Accidentally' Feel up All the Female Occupants of a Hot Tub," then I'd be your man. That's the kind of danger I can deal with.

Anyway, if I did know how to install a hot tub, I would think the first step would probably be to decide where you're gonna put the damn thing. Backyard decks seem to be popular places for hot tubs, so I'd probably put one there. If you don't have a deck, you'll have to find an article on how to build one. I'd tell you how to do it, but I don't know diddly-squat about building decks either. Now if you wanted to know how to get so drunk you fall face-first off a deck, then I'd be your man.

How to Install a Hot Tub - Step 2

Going along with the pretense that I know how to install a hot tub, I would imagine step 2 would involve placing the hot tub down in the spot you selected in step 1. The hot tub would probably have to be secured to the surface of the deck or patio or whatever. I would recommend using the only tool I am comfortable with: duct tape.

How to Install a Hot Tub - Step 3

I'm thinking step 3 would be when you hook up the electricity. That, of course, requires wires and black tape and shit like that. And I think there are volts involved too-don't forget the volts. Once you figure all that shit out, I'm pretty sure you can't just have the wires running along the top of the ground, so you'll probably have to hide them. Safety first, you know!

How to Install a Hot Tub - Step 4

Now it's time to take a break. Eat a sandwich and have a few beers-maybe smoke some weed and eat some Doritos. Do some shots of Jack. Aw hell, let's just call it a night and get back to it in the morning.

How to Install a Hot Tub - Step 5

Once the effects of your hangover have subsided, it's time to get back to work. No hot tub is worth a crap without water, so get out the garden hose, hook it up to your neighbor's spigot and fill the sucker up. Once you've done that, it is time to test your work. Flip on the jets and look for bubbles-bubbles are good in hot tubs.

How to Install a Hot Tub - Step 6

Assuming you have successfully produced bubbles, you are now ready to use your hot tub! You have worked your ass off and it's time to sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labor. Get a keg and invite the neighbors over for a party. Emphasize that you maintain a swimsuits optional policy in your hot tub. And for added enjoyment, I recommend you get rip-roaring drunk and "accidentally" feel up all the female occupants of the hot tub.

Believe me, you won't regret it.