How to Have an Intelligent Conversation with a True American Conservative
Talking with a true conservative about politics.
Okay, an American who holds true conservative American values in the US today is very, very difficult to find. In order to be a true conservative in America, you see, you need to be a monarchist. Because true conservatives in America are the inheritors of the tradition that the leader of their country should be to the manor born. Admittedly, many neo-conservatives labor under the delusion that George W. Bush was born to be our leader, especially since he wasn't actually elected the first time around. So you can forgive the neo-cons for thinking that we do live under a monarchy in which the son takes over for the father. But it's simply not true. To believe in democracy is to be a radical liberal of the most rascally sort, at least according to true conservatives. The true conservative political mindset in America was set in stone forever by those who were committed to maintaining loyalty to the British throne-subject to Germanic inbreeding, of course.
Talking with a true conservative about race.
Bit of advice. If you do manage to come across a true American conservative and the topic turns to race do not-under any circumstances-refer to African Americas as, well African Americans. Do not call them blacks. Do not call them negroes. At best you should refer to them as darkies, but, well, just to make sure true conservatives know what you're talking about it's best to go ahead and use the N-word. Because, you see, to be a true American conservative means to have not only supported, but have been willing to lay your life on the line to support treating African-Americans as property. You see, true conservative values in America in regard to race is traced back to the fight to remove any mention of slavery from the Declaration of Independence. It stems from the move to block all legislation that would have made it possible for new states to enter into the Union without enforcing the ownership of human beings. True conservative values in America simply have no room for racism, because true conservatives in America don't believe African-Americans are human beings and you certainly can't be prejudiced against a piece of property.
Talking with a true conservative about sexism.
Needless to say, true American conservatives don't believe in sexism, either. Dating back to the founding of America, conservatives have fought long and hard against equal rights for women. In fact, if you are a woman you should feel perfectly free to discuss the issues relating to any election; just be aware, however, that true conservatives won't take you seriously and the entire time you are talking, they will be laughing inwardly at your belief that your vote actually counts. To be a true conservative American today means laboring under the delusion that all female ballots are immediately tagged as faux ballots and are destroyed. And, yes, just in case you were wondering, this is exactly why so many votes actually were destroyed in certain conservative Florida counties in the 2000 election. You see, some true conservatives really do still exist.
Talking with a conservative about Christianity.
Well, you see, here's the thing. You simply can't be a conservative and a Christian. The two are direct opposition to each other. To be a Christian means to love your neighbor, to not practice aggressive warfare, to eschew the pursuit of money and possessions, and to not judge other people based on their looks, skin color, nationality, or sexuality. To be a follower of Jesus means to belong to the most radically liberal monotheistic creationist westernized religion around. True conservatives believe the law of the land should be the Ten Commandments. In other words, our laws should fashioned to outlaw murder, theft, perjury…adultery, working on Sunday, having a portrait or statue that represents God, going against your parents' wishes (provided those wishes are sound and legal, of course), and merely wanting to have sex with your friend's hottie wife. So, clearly, there can't be any such thing as a conservative American who is also a Christian.
Talking with a conservative about sexuality.
A true American conservative believes that everyone is born bisexual. A true conservative American is convinced that homosexuality is merely a lifestyle choice. In order for this to make sense, of course, heterosexuality would have to be a lifestyle choice as well. After all, why bother "curing" homosexuality just to turn that gay or lesbian person celibate. Obviously, they now choose to practice heterosexuality. Since that clearly indicates that all sexual preference is merely a choice, true American conservatives are pushing an agenda that declares every human being is born bisexual.
Well, now that you know exactly how to talk to a true American conservative, I bid you the best of luck. In other words, I hope you never run into a true American conservative. And if you do, please make sure whether they really are conservative or not. If they don't meet these strict requirements-if they believe in democracy, equal rights for minorities and women, not worshipping money and possessions, thinking that murderers deserve more rights than homosexuals-please the time to inform them they are actually radical American liberals and not conservatives at all.
Published by Timothy Sexton - Featured Contributor in Arts & Entertainment
Timothy Sexton was named this site's very first Writer of the Year. Today he has several columns on Yahoo Movies and a weekly column on The Simpsons on Yahoo TV. He has published over 8,000 articles coverin... View profile
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16 Comments
Post a CommentThis piece shows you might have trouble holding an intelligent conversation, period, nevermind one with a conservative.
The 9/11 attacks were well in place long before Bush took office. Do you really believe that it could have happened in that little time? Why didn't Clinton take care of it? Oh, yeah... he was too busy in the Oral Office.
For an article supposedly championing intelligent conversation, this is pretty stupid. I understand there's a level of satire here, but even taking that into account, you really have no understanding of conservative principles beyond deluded stereotypes.
Right on Tim. Terrorism is the communism of our generation--a useful, fear mongering tool of this authoratarian government. It never ceases to amaze me how "conservatives" always whip out the old "intrusive government" line. Yet, as Tim points out, they continue to make excuses for the Bush regime as they lay the groundwork for a future dictatorship. And Kim, you say terrorism is as big a threat as we are led to believe, and that security has been "sacrficed". Well, Washington was burned by the British in 1814, we endured a civil war, two world wars and thousands of Soviet missiles targeted at our cities and we never had to scrap the Constitution the way the bush cabal has. If anything, terrorism is a larger threat today because the "war on terror" has made it so by legitimizing teh tactics of Al Qaeda etc.
No, Kim, the political manipulation going on here is stoking the fear of terrorism. The plain fact of the matter is most of us will never face a terrorism threat in our lives. The security measures that were already in place before 9/11 would have been enough to stop the hijackers if Bush had only been paying attention and the security measures that he's put in place are not worth the civil liberties we've given up. Do you realize there were tens of millions of names on the NSA domestic wiretapping list? Do you honestly believe that tends of millions of Americans are in contact with Al-Qaeda. Security isn't being sacrified for political gain, it's your civil rights that are being sacrificed.
And as far as intrusion goes, well, as long as they can tell you who you can sleep with, and they know what you read, what you watch, who you've been talking to, and they can create a new status of arrest where they can hold you indefinitely without charges, well, hey, I guess that's not too intrusive. Sure.
Methinks that the issue here in a lot of ways is that today conservatives may well believe the "less government intrusion" line, as well as the "tax-cut" line, but the politicians don't and haven't in years. The "tax-cuts" are for them and their cronies, not the working man.
Tim, you are laboring under the impression that the government is organized and purposeful. Having worked within the system for many years, I can personally tell you, it is not. The original documents that founded our country were designed to keep the government tied up, disorganized and out of our daily lives. The Federal government was created "to provide for the common defense," which is what our current president is attempting to do, but there are those pesky "perfect union," "domestic tranquility," and "general welfare," clauses that irritate me.
My point exactly. "Democrats" in the South were the "conservatives" of their time. When we resort to labeling people and name calling to twist the point, we lose perspective. Having grounded values does not mean one should oppose new ideas. But a society can not survive in a state of constant revolution. The same man that wrote "a little revolution now and again is a good thing," believed strongly in the limitation of Federal power and the rights of the States to govern themselves. He would have defended the South's secession if he were alive at the time. He also tried to amend the constitution to overturn Marbury v. Madison because he thought the idea of "judicial review" (insert dig on modern liberals trying to make law via courts here) was absurd. Bi-polar? Not in my opinion. Jefferson's ideals could be considered both conservative and radical at the same time.
Okay, let's do away with liberal and redefine it as progressive. Do you find it progressive or regressive to have fought against slavery, women's right to vote, democracy over monarchy. You can use all the wordplay you want, the fact remains if you were to go back in time and bring those who were for slavery, unequal rights and monarchy those same people today would probably all be Republicans. I realize this makes many conservatives unhappy, but compare liberalism and conservatism in the Soviet Union to America is really, sorry, pathetic. That's the best you can do? Come on, show me how slavery is a liberal value and not a conservative value.