How to Be an Internet Toughguy

Hey, you!
Yeah, I'm talking to you, geekbreath. Sick and tired of losing your e-honor over the mystical realm of wits and wisdom known as the World Wide Web? Upset over a dispute that ended in crying emoticons and piles of meaningless, arbitrary threats? Can't stand the satisfaction that some 30-year-old with a weight larger than the value of his World of Warcraft character level and his futon combined gets from mocking you?? Well look no further, my friend! For I am an excellent auteur when it comes to being a gracefully guile Internet toughguy!

Based upon years and years of teenage angst and irrevocably puerile madness which took place in those yonder years, I have concocted the perfect way to keep your cool when your oh-so-fragile ego is threatened by the likes of...of...those heathens! Those charlatans!

How dare they disagree with your opinions, which are most certainly entrenched in the irrefutable palaces of truth and fact! They must pay-and pay they shall, those wicked Philistines!

I'll guide you through the process of sweet digital vengeance step-by-step, in what has been called by experts "lol, you're crazy chuck" by many a hardened veteran of the information superhighway!

1) The gift of anonymity is your friend and your foe; a double edged sword, if you will. On one hand, you may wreak havoc upon any person you choose through such bizarre monikers like "GokuFan55," or "azngrl1616," or something abstract and stupid like "DenizenOne" or "Chuck Block." Ha ha! You are now in the shadow of the wonderful incognito! You are virtually invincible, and thus anything you say will strike the heart of your assailant with relative ease. They'll never be able to deduce who you are and where you come from, which reduces the chance that they'll come to your house and drag you out from your parents' basement for a world-class beating.

However, there is also a wicked side to this spectrum of invisibility, for your foes may also enlist this tactic against you! You must now prove your manliness by proclaiming, "Ha! If you were a real man, you'd use your true name, you knave! Reveal yourself so I may administer a verbal lashing unto your pasty form!" Doing so will most certainly garner the respect of your peers, who may or may not be on your side in the first place. Ah, well-at least we taught that guy a thing or two about criticizing our article about Paris Hilton's jail time, right?? Yeah, we're tough now.

2) The ability to endlessly torment others without getting a swift kick in the privates is your greatest tool. If someone ruffles your feathers in even the slightest way, make haste to belittle them with tons of hatemail and private messages stating how "ignorant and shallow" they are, and how foolish they must be for even thinking about crossing your path.

WHOA! They won't mess with YOU, tough guy!

If they proceed to answer each and every one of your attacks, do not stop. Do not EVER falter for a second, lest you lose this fantastic battle of epic proportions! Sparta didn't quit, and neither should you; your reputation on the Internet is at stake! And when at last they have breathed their final sigh of defeat, you shall not even allow them a respite for the consumption of humble pie. Nay, I say to thee! You must brutally confront them with a final wave of spiteful comments, ending your very last one with a series of jubilant I Win's cut and pasted several times into the text box. Ha ha! Who's the big man now!?

3) Remember: You are always right. You can never be wrong. If someone ever disagrees with you in the slightest, you must make it your life's work to convince them otherwise. They are pretentious, condescending bovine and you are but a beautiful monarch which no one can possibly understand to the fullest. You are the best of the best, flying above all the insectile people with disdain in your heart. Oh! How difficult it is to be the best! For more reference on being the best, see statement number two.

4) Throw the word "postmodern" into a lot of your paragraphs. If you want to be a pseudo-hipster toughguy, you'll want to constantly-and consistently-quote Thomas Wilde and James Joyce. Also, reference "art" a lot. Because art itself is so subjective and technically, no one can be wrong about it , you can play the trump car and claim to know all about what art is, and how it should be. If you aren't quoting Oscar Wilde or at least some obscure "postmodern" (ha ha! See what I did there?) musical group like Mars Volta or Pink Floyd, then you aren't being enough of a condescending toughguy. Remember, as an Internet toughguy it is your duty to inform people of how much they suck. Because after all, if you weren't around to tell them, who would?

And finally...

5) Humor is the evil, deranged cousin of apathy; therefore, do not develop a sense of humor. Humor is the enemy: take no enjoyment whatsoever in the development of satire, parody, spoofs, etc. or else you'll become one of "them." You're not in this crowd for the fun of it; you are here simply because you need to be the best, In short, you crave attention. You need attention to be drawn towards you. like you're some sort of magnet for spite-or, you've been exposed to radiation and you actually are a magnet, in which case I'd advise you not to live near any construction zones. You are unloved, unwanted, and insecure with you life, so you must retain a sense of twisted pride in the fact that you make everyone else's life one. Iota. More. Difficult.

This is the burden of being the Internet Toughguy: he is a strange beast, found only in the decaying underbelly of this utopia of megabytes and electricity.

Just remember: when you tread on his pride, tread lightly...You tread on the dreams of one so powerful, so invulnerable to logic that he shall strike with the force of a thousand nerds.

Take heed, my friends.