How to Get the Job of Your Dreams in 13 Easy Steps

Forget what you've learned in text books, webinars, and tid- bits from the "experts." In today's economic climate it's more important than ever to be armed with the "real tools" needed to get the job of your dreams.

1. Understand people - They are motivated by fear and greed. Act accordingly.

2. Your cover letter should always reference pirates, Spartans, or other savage historical group.

3. Your cover letter should be very personal. List everything from your favorite color to any anti-psychotic medications you are taking. Remember, employers want to get to know you.

4. Always act aggressive and desperate during an interview, but be sure to open with something about the weather.

5. If you get stuck on a question fake a seizure, pop a xanax, re-group and remark on how beautiful the interviewer's family is.

6. Always mention that you've never stole anything from a company even if you have; do not mention your fear of staple removers.

7. Fake at least one phone call and pretend it's your financial advisor. Scream about high-yield stocks and bonds and hang up abruptly. This shows you are fiscally responsible.

8. When the interview concludes and they ask if you have any questions, reply with "Did I get the job?" This puts them on the spot and you in control.

9. If they insist on not telling you, cough an obscenity under your breath. "Accidentally" knock something off their desk. Apologize, but not in a way they think you mean it.

10. Before leaving, thank the interviewee and attempt to give either a "chest bump" or "knuckles." A handshake is too twentieth century.

11. Swagger while leaving and open the exit door violently, hopefully the wind will knock a memo off the bulletin board. You have presence.

12. Follow up! Call three times a day for the first three days following the interview and then show up to the work place three times a day after that.

13. If you do not get the position threaten a lawsuit based on a biased evaluation, or reference your 1/64 Cherokee heritage and "your" people have suffered long enough.