How to Keep American Idol from Running Long

American Idol has recently had a problem of running over it's one hour time slot. The only reason why I know this is because I recently sat down to watch a recording of my favorite show, Hell's Kitchen, and instead of Gordon Ramsey I see Ryan Seacrest. Now, my personal feelings about Mr. Seacrest aside, I was more than a little bit infuriated with this situation because of three reasons:

1) The 1980's gave me enough Paula Abdul. I don't need any more.

2) I don't know who Anoop is, nor do I care.

3) When I want Ramsey, I want Ramsey. If I wanted Seacrest, I'd be watching re-runs of Robot Chicken.

Needless to say, I lost the last few minutes of Hell's Kitchen on my recording, not getting to hear Ramsey's insights about why he let the most recent chef depart from the kitchen. But, I'm willing to let an error like this go by the wayside. The following week, I conduct my Thursday night ritual of watching my recording of Hell's Kitchen. I start up the recording and lo and behold, there's Ryan Seacrest again on my television screen.

At this point, I'd like to direct you to a previous article of mine in which I gave ideas as to how American Idol could be made more interesting. Sadly, the producers of American Idol have not read my article, as Ryan Seacrest was not set on fire from a flame thrower lowered from the ceiling. This, combined with missing Ramsey's insights AGAIN, made me more than a little bit upset. Fortunately, the producers of American Idol (who at times I think were the producers of some of the Nazi concentration camps), must have heard my psychic anger and I had no further interruptions of Hell's Kitchen. However, I have recently read that American Idol is now running over its hour on the other night it is shown.

In an effort to be a good citizen, and not wanting others who hold American Idol in the same esteem as I do to suffer the same pain that I have, I offer the following plan. Not only would this keep American Idol from running over and ruining my television enjoyment, the producers of American Idol (who also brought you the 'Do-It-Yourself Vasectomy Kit') can further increase their ratings and make even more money. The plan goes as follows:

If an episode of American Idol goes over its one hour time slot, the blame would be found with the judges, and all four must participate in a Battle Royal. Now, I am not necessarily talking about a battle to the death right off the bat. That would come closer to the end of the hour special. To start it off, all four judges would need to provide as many words that rhyme with Anoop, one of the contestants (for those of you who, like me, don't know). The loser is kindly escorted off by Ryan Seacrest, but would be eligible to return to judge on the next show.

In the next round, the remaining three judges would have to do what students who went to the same college I did would do for fun on Saturday nights: blindfold themselves, be fed six shots of alcohol of random strengths, spun around four times, and then expected to do karaoke. As with the normal show, this round will have a theme. For the first time this is done, the theme will be 'Songs from Top Gun'. Imagine Paula Abdul flying to the danger zone. How about Randy Jackson losing that loving feeling, while completely spun and drunk. The loser would be carried off by Ryan Seacrest, but as before, would be eligible to return to judge on the next show.

The final round would be the bit that America would like to watch. The two remaining contestants would be placed in a steel rhombus (octagons are already used by the UFC) and Ryan Seacrest would lock the cage. Weapons with different degrees of sharpness and pain levels would be dropped from the ceiling. Flames would rise from the floor. Little puppies would yelp in horror --- you get the picture. It would be a battle to the death. No one can leave until someone is dead. Because the blood of the devil runs through his veins, my money is on Simon Cowell coming out of this round as the victor. As Ryan Seacrest opens up the rhombus, Simon would go ahead and bite his head off. This I feel is only fair for showing up on my television instead of Gordon Ramsay.

Now, I'm sure this idea would be greeted with as much enthusiasm as my other ideas. However, I would be glad to go with my plan B. Gordon Ramsay would walk out on stage as American Idol enters minute sixty-one. The cameras would pan to him. He would look into the camera, tell America to 'piss off' and then Hells Kitchen would automatically start.

It's a good dream isn't it?