How to Keg Stand

So you think you're the man, huh? Well grab your cheap beer and prove it in the College Olympian sport of all sports, the keg stand. I'm up to 60 seconds, Mary. Can you beat that, or are you just gonna act like what you are, which is newbie fail freshman dogmeat? Go play sissie beer pong, loser. I should revoke your frat party pass, and you're DEFINITELY not getting into my sorority parties. So if you don't know, listen up, and maybe you can learn how not to embarrass yourself.

Things You'll Need:

• Keg stand
• 2 friends
• 10 other random people to watch

1. BREATHING. The secret to a great keg stand is breathing. Mouth breathers aside, most breathing is done through the nose. Well, as you keg stand, you will become very aware of your nose breathing, because you obviously can't use your mouth at all. The reason a lot of people fall before they are ready is because they naturally try to use their mouth to breathe at some point, because it's just normal to do that. DON'T DO IT. Short nose breaths. It goes, swallow beer, short breath. Swallow beer, short breath. Beer, breath. Beer, breath. Get a rhythm going and you'll increase your keg stand time automatically.

2. TYPE OF BEER. The cheaper the beer, the better your chances. Cheaper beers get watery, and don't sting your throat as much. So if you have a choice, always go with the cheaper keg.

3. BODY PLACEMENT. I've found my best keg stands to be when I kept my throat as straight as possible. That way, the beer gets out of my breathing airways as fast as possible, and I can take a deeper, quicker breath. Keep your arms straight, and your eyes open. If you open your eyes first, your body won't go into shock as quick.

4. GETTING DOWN. WHATEVER you do, do NOT throw anything up or spill when they let you down. It doesn't matter whether it's your fault or not; who's rep is on the line? So when you get ready to fall, get the keg spigot out of your mouth first. Swallow the last mouthful of beer, THEN tell them to let you down. This all happens very fast, and is the hardest thing to master, because your stupid friends holding you up are probably already drunk. But it's doable. As you land, stand straight up, like a gymnast. If you bend over, your body's going to throw up. It's automatic. So pretend you're a gymnast, throw your hands up, swallow that bit of throw up in your mouth, and accept your accolades. You just kicked party ass, and everybody knows it. Congrats on the most awesome keg stand of your LIFE!!