How to Get Your Kids to Follow the Rules

Wouldn't it be great if there was a list of rules somewhere, for parents and children? The list would clearly spell out for children what they can and can't do. This wonder list would also spell out for mom and dad exactly how to handle behavior problems, before they ever come up. Sounds like every parent's dream. The good news is that you and your family have the opportunity to create just such a list, and to tailor it to your individual situation, as well!

Engaging children in the rule making process, and allowing them to help you decide on the most appropriate consequences for rules that are broken, can go a long way toward promoting positive behavior. While the process does require some effort on the part of the parent, the benefits of having a clearly defined list of "house rules" are well worth the time it will take you to create the rules with the help of your child or children.

Making the Rules

Allowing children to contribute to the process of rule making can benefit parents in several ways. First, by having a clearly defined set of "family rules" or "house rules" you can be sure that children both know the rules, and understand them. This prevents a child from later saying "But I didn't know I wasn't supposed to...", as well as "But why do we have to..." Second, children who are allowed to contribute to the rules of the house are likely to feel a sense of "ownership" toward those rules. Instead of a rule being "Mom's rule" or "Dad's rule", the child recognizes the fact that this is his rule too. Third, the process of setting the rules provides you with a great opportunity to help teach your child about appropriate and inappropriate behaviors. Last, by having the rules already laid out in writing ahead of time, you will save yourself the difficult task of trying to decide in the heat of the moment, how to handle situations that arise regarding your child's behavior.

Creating the rules is a simple process, although it can be somewhat time consuming at first. Gather your family together and let everyone know that you want to make a list of rules for your home. Make it clear that you are asking for everyone's input, as far as what the rules should be. Children will often begin to contribute to the list right away with comments like "Anna can't go in my room!" or "Mark should stop taking my stuff." Encourage this kind of open communication, and work with your children to rephrase the rules, so that they apply to everyone. "Respect other people's privacy." or "Respect other people's belongings" are good examples of paraphrasing the rules. Use the opportunity, as well, to let children know that what applies to one person, also applies to everyone. "You're right, Mark should not take your things, and you and Anna should not take Mark things either."

Before adding a rule to the list, be sure that your children understand why it is important, and that everyone in the house is in agreement with the rule. For example, you notice that no-one has brought up hitting, or hurting each other. As the parent you feel that it is important to have this rule on the list. You might say "How about no hurting anyone?" Ask "Why do we need that rule?" also try "Should we say it like that, 'No hurting anyone' or should we say it in a different way, like 'Keep your hands and feet to yourself.'? Being sure that your children all agree that the rule is needed is very important to the process.

As each rule is agreed upon write it down on a large piece of paper, or a poster board.

Setting the Consequences

Once your list of family rules has been clearly defined, it's time to decide on fair, and appropriate consequences for breaking those rules. Giving children a chance to help decide on the consequences for breaking rules, can greatly assist parents when it comes time for enforcing those consequences.

Discussing appropriate consequences with your children can be a tricky thing. Asking a child "What should we do if someone hits someone else?" can often result in responses such as "Ground them forever!" A good way to get children to think about fair and reasonable consequences is to ask "What should we do if you hit someone?" as well as "What should we do if someone hits you?"

Consequences should help teach children something, as well as punish them. As much as possible, then, try to make sure the punishment fits the crime. A good example would be if a child breaks something of someone else's, they will need to pay to replace that object. Talk with your children about fair consequences. Ask questions like "What do you think the person would learn from that consequence?" "How will you feel if you have to..." Again it is important that everyone agrees on the consequence, and believes that it is fair and reasonable, before it is settled upon.

Once your rules and consequences are established, they should clearly displayed in a place that children will frequently see them.

Using the Rules

Here are some very helpful ways parents can use the "family rules" chart to help encourage positive behavior.

When a child is misbehaving simply ask "What is the rule about that?" A child who knows the rules, as well as the consequence for breaking them, is more likely to change behavior before the consequence is needed.

When a rule is broken, and a consequence is needed, parents have a reference tool that can help things go more smoothly. Example "Mark, you know our family has a rule about... Because you... you will have to experience the consequence."

Children have all kinds of great sayings to help them get out of consequences, but your rules list will help you navigate all of the usual complaints.

Child "It's not fair."

Parent "As I recall you helped us make the rule, and you also helped us decide on a consequence that is fair."

Child "Why do I have to...?"

Parent "Do you remember that we all worked together to agree on what should happen if someone..." or "As I recall, when we set this consequence you said it was appropriate because..."

Updating the rules

The great thing about having a list of rules that applies specifically to your family, and to your families individual needs and circumstances, is that the list can constantly evolve, and grow, as your children do the same. Older children inevitably reach a point where they feel the need to challenge the rules, or to alter them to fit their changing needs. Be willing to listen, and to rethink any rules that may seem inappropriate, or consequences that seem unfair. Parents should be firm, yet flexible, when it comes to setting rules for their children.

- Be firm when enforcing consequences, and refering to the rules, as a guideline for acceptable behavior.

- Be flexible by allowing rules to change, if everyone is agreement to the change.

Caution: If you change the rules too many times, or change them at the wrong times (just before instilling a consequence is the wrong time), you will defeat the purpose of setting the rules!

Appropriate times to review and update the rules are:

1. About every six months, if it hasn't otherwise been done

2. Whenever one person has a real and sincere need to have a rule changed or updated

3. When new behaviors arise that call for new rules to be added