How to Kill Weeds, Flowers and Your Lawn

When we bought our home 4 years ago, one of the major selling points was the yard. It was filled with shady pines, mondo-grass borders, beautiful azalea bushes, and a dogwood in full bloom. Everything said the many previous owners took great care to nurture this parcel of paradise.

It was now my job to pick up the torch and burn it down. Not intentionally. I take great pleasure in yard work. I'm just not very good at it. At first, it looks simple. Mow some grass. Spread some fertilizer. Water occasionally. What could be easier? Apparently, the formula for cold fusion is easier. Here are my proven tips for destroying your lawn.

Buy the cheapest equipment possible
Moving from an apartment meant stocking up on some basic lawn care equipment. Because I am the cheapest person I know, I let the lawn lay fallow for 8 weeks as I shopped for the cheapest lawn mower in the Western hemisphere. Luckily, I stumbled upon a once-used, one-speed, 20-inch model for $88 at Lowe's. Already assembled? Sold. Having the debris-guard zip-tied on only adds to its uniqueness.

Also in my shed is the same weed trimmer you own. It's the under-powered, used-to-self-feed-the-line, now-you-pull-the-line-out-with-pliers-every-10-feet, Weed Master 600. This little gem has the seemingly impossible ability not to cut grass or weeds, but still cut 6-inch gashes in a wooden fence. The Weed Master factory is obviously located in another dimension where our laws of physics don't apply. The best it can do is slightly bruise the dandelions which only makes them grow stronger.

For clean up, cheap out and buy a push broom. That will work for exactly one mowing. The broom will survive, but your back won't. Then you can purchase the two-speed electric blower.

Speed one has the power to imperceptivity wiggle a drinking-straw wrapper. This is useful only at séances. Speed two has the power to lift small rocks and pets and fling them into the neighbor's yard. Handy in most situations except when just trying to move a few grass clippings.

Never sharpened your mower blades
Pine trees guarantee pine cones and branches will litter your yard 377 days a year. Why rake or clean when you can mulch? My rugged, zip-tie-bound mower chews through them like a teething child gnawing a raw carrot.

Beyond the enjoyment of firing pine cones at the neighbor's yappy dog, this has the effect of dulling the mower blades. Do not under any circumstances sharpen your mower blades. Dull blades ensure that the few remaining strands not cut cleanly will be pulled out in clumps. The resulting patchwork of green and brown can be used as a quilt pattern to commemorate your gardening prowess.

Never water
Rain contains nitrogen. Nitrogen feeds the soil. Hose water contains chlorine. Chlorine kills your grass. Even though you are in week 22 of a drought, never water your lawn with hose water. Wait patiently, pray, or dance for rain. It is not important that any water is good water when your lawn is starving. Never turn on a sprinkler. My dead azalea bushes can testify that this is the correct course of action.

If you do succumb to the urge to water with that nasty chlorinated liquid, do it between 10am and 5pm. The midday heat will evaporate most of the liquid and your plants will remain safe from the effects.

Never wear safety clothing
Working around power tools and high-velocity blades is the perfect time to strip down and work on your tan. Shorts and flip-flops are necessities when working in the yard. Safety eyewear only collects sweat. Long pants, proper footwear and eye protection will only save you one more perfect excuse to get out of yard work.

Losing an eye or toe can give you a free pass from an entire season's work. You are only tempting fate by covering up. The value of a fully functioning foot can not be weighed against drinking beer on your deck with your freshly amputated stump propped on a pillow while shouting directions at 10-year-old Timmy who is now in charge of your precious lawn.

Never count the cost
When buying a home there are many hidden costs. Lawn care is one of the biggest. Never calculate the need for keeping your lawn when buying a home. Once all the other bills are paid, only then can you spend $27 a bag on weed-and-feed. If you have to ask, "Do I need a riding mower or full-up John Deere to bush hog this plantation," you can't afford it. Get a nice studio apartment, live your life, have a drink and get laid. Don't bother with lawn care.

You can do it
Get out there and garden unless it's too hot or there's a game on TV or that nap you've been putting off just can't wait. Heat is my main excuse...er...concern right now. Hydration is time consuming. The Alabama sun isn't helping either. I tried turning on the flood lights at 9pm and working under their soft glow. Someone once told me "Gardening at night is never work." My neighbor told me, "If you do that again, I'm calling the cops." Don't worry. He'll find a pine cone in his yappy dogs butt next weekend.