How Do You Know when It's Time to Lose Your Virginity?
Six Sex Lessons for that Special Moment
Lesson 1:
Talk to your potential partner about his background. If he acts like who he's had sex with before you is some big secret, then treat him like he treats his sexual history. Let your body be a secret too. If he really likes you, sooner or later, he'll start talking. Ask as many questions as you want. You are entitled to know the background of someone who is asking to make himself one with you. People being too hesitant to ask about their partner's background is how they end up in the doctor's office or crying to a friend about how, "He didn't tell me!" Okay, but did you ask?
Lesson 2:
Yes, I do realize you've outgrown the cootie faze, but no sexually active person outgrows the STD faze. Both you and your partner should be tested for all STDs, specifically the common top ten: chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, mycoplasma genitalium, trichomoniasis, crabs, scabies, human papilloma virus (HPV), human immunodeficiency virus (HIV)/AIDS, and herpes. If you can't get your partner to open up (Lesson 1), make sure to be in the room for tests for Lesson 2. Even if you don't have the funds (or are scared to death of your parents finding out that you were tested for an STD on their health insurance), there are plenty of free testing centers, such as Planned Parenthood (in certain areas) and companies like BEHIV (Chicago), which completes over 1,000 free HIV/AIDS tests. If your partner has nothing to hide, she should not have a problem with you being in the room or seeing her test scores.
Lesson 3:
Please know something more about your potential sex partner other than how cute he is or how fat her butt is. If you can't even comfortably complete one of those notorious MySpace 50-question surveys about this person, why would you have sex with her? It's not a crime to know where she lives, meet her parents, know her favorite color, and what she wants to be when she grows up before you're trying to unfasten her bra. Guys are stereotyped all the time for only wanting to get inside of her Apple Bottom jeans, but those same guys are crying in the courtroom about child support and how crazy she is nine months from now. Get to know your potential sex partner. Find out what makes her blue while you're lying about your balls turning blue. Seriously, I don't know when dating became taboo, but if you don't feel like this girl is worth taking to Giordano's, then why would you risk her possibly having your kid?
Lesson 4:
Women have still ended up pregnant after taking birth control shots, birth control pills, having their tubes tied, and while using female or male condoms. My brother, one of my godsisters, and my nephews are proof of that. There is no contraception that is 100%. My advice would be to use both. He may accuse you of not trusting him, but you can easily say that other forms of contraception ensure not getting pregnant. Teenage guys' hearts skip a beat if you tell them you're late, and I'm not talking about late for class. Remind him of his plans to not be a teenage father, and he'll probably leave you alone. And if he doesn't, this is when ultimatums are mandatory. Either he can have sex with you and use protection or he cannot have sex with you at all.
Lesson 5:
Do not believe the hype about still being a virgin if you're only having oral sex. It is possible to end up with an STD, such as HIV/AIDS, from the blood in the bottom region of their body as well as their mouths. If you brush your teeth too hard, what happens? Your teeth bleed. An HIV/AIDS test can be taken orally for that reason alone. Your mouth is just as sacred as your private parts. If your partner insists on oral sex because you refuse to have vaginal or anal sex, ladies, please make him wear a condom. Condom companies are making condoms in different flavors and as oral sex condoms specifically for this purpose. Companies like BEHIV (Chicago) give these types of condoms away for free, and you can take as many different condoms (ex. fruity flavors, female condoms, male condoms) as you want. And guys, you can make a condom into a mouth guard by doing the following:
- Step 1: Cut a condom lengthwise as well as the tip with the ring around it.
- Step 2: Place the remaining cut-up part of the condom over her vaginal/anal area.
- Step 3: Proceed, and do not re-use.
Lesson 6:
Unlike school, there is no deadline for when you have to lose your virginity. Take your time. Sex is far better when doing it with someone you really do like instead of someone who pressured you into it. From my own experience, I felt empty and bitter after having sexual intercourse with someone because he was checking his clock and wondering what was taking me so long, and I wasn't even a virgin then! Never let someone give you an ultimatum about when you should have sex. Prom does not mean that you have to have sex. Turning a certain age does not mean you have to have sex. Opening the refrigerator does not mean you have to have sex. You don't rush to get back to class during your lunch break because you just might miss the new lesson plan, so why are you rushing to have sex with somebody who has you on a timeline? Graduation should be your top priority.
Last Lesson:
By writing this article, parents, I'm not coaxing your child(ren) into having sex at an early age, but being in deep denial that your child has the same curiosity and hormones that you had to conceive him/her isn't realistic. Talk to your child. And if you're too uncomfortable with the idea, print this out and pass it on.
Published by Shamontiel
Shamontiel is the author of Round Trip and Change for a Twenty, and in mid-October became the Chicago Tribune s Digital News Editor. She works on National Travel, Health and occasionally Breaking News, and w... View profile
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23 Comments
Post a Comment...the women I was always playing cards with or hanging out with during my elementary school years), and an older lady who grew flowers across the street had no choice but to tell me about. I had super ears, a curious mind, and picked up on EVERYTHING. And oh boy, when I went to the zoo and saw one monkey slap another monkey off of a tree and hump her while she screamed to get away, I came home terrified that that was what sex was really like for men and women. Best believe, that was ANOTHER conversation. This is what I mean about being able to pass the sex test. I grilled my parents so much to the point where I could see movies or everyday situations and go, "She did that because ____________." My paternal grandmother wasn't too thrilled about my new knowledge because I felt the need to share it :-), but I was content about it.
Herstory, I agree. While parents try to dodge the topic, they could be doing their child a world of good by pointing out the issues beforehand, so the child is well-prepared. I remember watching a movie called "Monkey Shine" and a handicapped man was performing oral sex on a woman. I was in elementary school, both my parents and I loved horror films, but they were shocked when they saw that scene, and that definitely got a conversation going. So did "Dirty Dancing." I watched that movie because I LOVE to dance, but when an older friend of mine (who was 13 when I was 7) kept crossing and uncrossing her legs, I had no idea why she was doing that. I asked my mother about it, and my mother (in very cookie cutter terms) explained the "hot and bothered" scenario my friend was going through. I always hung out with older folks when I was little, and I do mean older, as in senior citizens. I was an old soul at heart, so there was just so much I was seeing that my parents, their landlord (one of
(cnt'd from comment below) . . . Details elaborated exponentially as my kids aged, of course - with open-ended discussion, and rarely were our 'moments' staged and planned ahead. I am a believer in the teachable moment - Just keep your eyes and ears open - TV and movies can be great conversation starters.
Unfortunately, there is so much lawsuit-mania paralyzing the public school system in all types of issues - not just sex ed and value of self preservation/virginity unless or until marriage, etc . Indeed should be directly taught and dealt with head-on (since so many students do not get such information at home), but the curriculum 'dances' around the real issues. I have been addressing ONLY my local public schools in this discussion. On a personal note: I cannot agree more - In fact, my own children grew up learning age-appropriate sex ed information, starting with the accidental sightings of spring 'amorous' events in wildlife - Hey, the teachable moment happens when and where it is when a kid is 4. Don't tell him/her the dogs are 'playing' - That's a boy :& girl dog creating new life! It's their way. That's all a 4 year old needs to hear. Age-appropriate. By age 9, things were much more specific in human medical-moral-ethical discussion. . . Details elaborated exponentially as my
I am currently a Health Education teacher so I cover sex education. However, I never co-sign to the idea I am cool with the idea that teenagers are having sex because I am not. But I do let my students know they have to make informed choices about their bodies and lives. Yes I offer abstinence as an option, what sex educator doesn't. If today's times are not using it as a method it still must be offered and explained as a option. What I try to get kids to do in my sex educations classes is be smart and informed and open to all the things that will effect their lives. I want them to know everything they can about their body and mind first before deciding to have sex. I say, don't share your body until you truly have an idea of where you want things to go. The feelings you are having are normal but there is no rush to quiet them. Why? Because you can't quiet those feelings, they never go away. So don't let a choice today cause you physical and mental damage later. How many ladies do
...guy who was constantly like "When are we going to do it?" It made me wonder how many teenagers go through this type of stuff, and I remember having the dumb panicking moment like, "What if he leaves me?" The killer part was that as soon as we did have sex, I was the one who left HIM because I was so pissed about giving in. I really enjoy speaking to students and volunteer to do it at schools/colleges/and Planned Parenthood (today) because, from my experience, I'm 26, and people still look at me as young enough to talk to, so they're more willing to open up around me. Professors thanked me after attending LU and saying they could've never had such an open conversation with their students because their students looked at them like authority, not as a friend. As long as I can, I'm going to use my age to my advantage!
Jcorn, thank you for the compliment. People ask me all the time why I'm so passionate about the topic of teenage sex and STDs. Hell, "Change for a Twenty" and "Round Trip" were about both of those topics. I just got so burnt out on friends asking me if I was a virgin and some saying, "You're STILL a virgin? Girl, you need to get some." I was so offended by that because I felt like, as my friends, they should have my best interest at heart and respect my decisions. However, I think (especially as teenagers), young adults feel more comfortable when "everybody's doing it," no matter what it is: dressing alike, going to the same hang-out spots, going to the same parties, having sex, whatever. I was never one of those people who needed to be in the "in" crowd. Ironically, I ended up being pretty popular because I just could've cared less. Even my "first" didn't pressure me to do anything, but that one guy who did really gave me quite the headache. I'd never been so uncomfortable dating a gu
Now THIS is a must read article! I'm glad you noted peer pressure which can really push some people to have sex before they really feel ready. Even in this day and age, the decision isn't easy or casual for many.
I got a letter in the mail from Planned Parenthood today (I donate when I can) saying that 1 out of every 4 teenage girls has a sexually transmitted disease, and in Mankato, 32% of female 12th graders are sexually active and rarely or never use a condom, according to the "Mankato (MN) Free Press." Other publications like "The Des Moines Register," "Phoenix," "The Kansas City Star," "Anchorage Daily News," "Detroit Free Press," "Bangor Daily News," "The New York Times," "News-Journal," and "Austin-American Statesman" also agree that teenagers need to have more information on sex education, and not those abstinence-only programs. The "Detroit Free Press" says: "Twenty years ago, telling teens to just say no seemed a simple way to talk about sex. Today, it's flat out irresponsible." I agree!
Herstory, I always have mixed feelings about condom distribution the same way I have mixed feelings about BEHIV giving out clean needles to drug users. I understand that giving a drug user a clean needle means they're less likely to get HIV/AIDS, but at the same time, it's almost like encouraging the drug use. Passing out condoms to teenagers and elementary school students may prevent teen pregnancy or HIV/AIDS, but then there's the idea that they'll have sex sooner. I recall a friend and I hiding a condom from a guy friend of ours in sixth grade. We thought it was big fun until he got mad because he "needed to use that after school." We gave it back to him, but now that I reflect on that, I'm glad he did get mad and wanted it back so badly. I've seen grown men be astonishingly nonchalant about condom usage, but this 11 year old was PISSED that we took his condom.