How Do You Know Things Are Rough in New York City?

It really is bad out there. The debt collector stopped calling me. Ma Bell shut off their phones-nonpayment.

God knows I look like hell. A homeless man put money in my hat. And I was wearing it. And jogging at the time.

Yes, I know its tough. GMAC Finance re-poed the tow truck taking my car for unpaid tickets. NYC is behind again this month.

You know its bad. The New York City Register started running ads for that $6.00 pyramid scheme guaranteed by Oprah.

Oprah called to complain. Collect. She's tapped out too.

They turned off the national debt clock--it ran out of numbers.

The Statue of Liberty is thumbing a lift out of town.

Ellis Island has reopened. They are holding escaping New Yorkers there.

I tell you, it's the Fiscal Crises all over again. In a nod to the economy, Mayor Bloomberg announced that the entire New York City Sanitation Department will be disbanded.

Future blizzards will be melted by hot air from the Mayor's office and City Council.

Services are being slashed. Corrupt officials will only take bribes between the hours of 9:00 am and noon, and bag-men are asking, and getting, a nickel deposit per bag of cash.

The city is fining the mob for littering whenever they drop a body.

It is so bad that NYPD had to borrow chalk from a passing child to outline the murder victims.

They're re-using the crime scene tape too.

NYPD Blue? It's being remade as NYPD Black and Blue.

Times Square? It's a triangle now. Reductions are everywhere.

And those exploding manhole covers? That's stopped too. Con Ed steam is now lukewarm. They had to turn the thermostat way down--the price of oil.

This summer, Astoria will only have blackouts on alternate days. Cutbacks again.

And the business climate? Terrible.

Wall Street now features a real Wall. And the guys with machine guns? They have them trained on the taxpayers to keep them from rioting.

Mexicans are complaining. Too many former bankers are horning-in on their flower-selling businesses.

The 3-martini lunch is now Mad Dog 20/20 in a brown paper sack.

Terrorists get frequent flier discounts.

American Express offers a new "red card." If you apply, they turn you down, and cut-up the rest of your cards while they are at it.

I could give you a penny for my thoughts, but I can't afford the interest on the loan. Visa, Mastercard and American Express called to ask: "Brother, can you spare a dime?" I told them no, I lost it all in the bailout.

Yes, it's tough here. How tough? Well, I'm relocating to Detroit for the housing and the jobs.