How I Learned to Let Go of My Pride

I found it difficult to move. To feel like I wasn't making it.

To know that there was an entire apartment worth of my stuff sitting boxed up collecting dust in a garage somewhere while I gathered just some clothes, and a handful of boxes to the room I would call home for the next several months. There was no need for a moving van, I wouldn't be taking any of my furniture. My compact car was plenty big enough for the job.

I moved in with a couple from my church. They are wonderful people and I have to come to think of them sort of as my spiritual "parents." They are incredibly generous and have a burden for outreach. When I first came into the church, they took me under their wing and encouraged my growth in the Lord. They were the ones to send me the "welcome" letter after I attended my first service, they gave me my first bible study and they were there the day I was baptized in that wonderful Name. When it came to light how much I was struggling financially, they offered to let me move in with them until I was able to get back on my feet. I am certainly not the first person they have opened their home to, and I am quite sure I will not be the last.

Still, I found the move difficult. Before I knew the Lord, I had always been fiercely independent. When I moved out of my parent's house in my late teens, my mother immediately took down all my knickknacks and posters, repainted the walls and completely redecorated the room to her liking. My older sister had moved out of the house a few years prior and her room had remained exactly as she had left it. Mine on the other hand clearly wasn't mine anymore. When I asked my mother why the difference, she simply replied that she knew when I moved out, that I was gone. She told me that I had always taken care of myself and she knew I wouldn't be coming back.

I took pride in the fact that I never had to depend on anyone. I worked hard and I was good with money. I was always ahead on my bills and had paid off two car loans in roughly half the time allotted. Although I had lived with others on several occasions, in each case I was the one supporting them. I was puffed up in my own ego. I trusted in my own abilities and in material things. I didn't think I needed anyone!

How then did I get to this place? While I won't get into all the details of the road I went down, or how God delivered me from it, I will say that the facade of independence began to crack during those dark days before Christ. I had casually, naively started experimenting with illegal drugs. It wasn't long before my flesh was dictating my behavior and against my own better judgement I was maxing out credit cards to support my habit. Although I didn't see it at the time, I gave up my independence for a high. By the time I surrendered to Jesus I was miserable and hated myself.

But, Thank God for his love and mercy! He brought me out of that miry clay, washed me of my sin and made me a new creature! Those early days of salvation were full of change and growth and joy unspeakable! I am far from the person I was when I walked into my first church service.

However, change is supposed to be a continual process, we are forever striving toward perfection, that is, toward Christ. I thank God that He has begun to reveal things in me that are in desperate need of change. One of these things is my pride. It has to go. There is no room for it in my walk with Jesus. I must never again think that I don't need anyone. I must know unequivocally that everything I have and everything I am depends upon Him.

It is almost laughable that I used to think I didn't have a problem with pride. Whenever a sermon, or Sunday school lesson or bible study warned about being prideful, I dismissed it without a thought. I knew I had a lot of issues to work on with God, but I didn't think pride was one of them. After all, when I came into the church I was in such a state of self-loathing that it seemed I had the opposite of pride. I was unwilling to see that self-loathing is very self-absorbed and when the blinders came off of my eyes I realized being self-absorbed is an issue of pride. I used to be terrified to get up and speak in front of a crowd. This is a very common fear with many different causes and I do not intend to imply that everyone who has a fear of speaking in public has an issue of pride. I point it out because one would assume that the person afraid to speak doesn't have a problem with pride! I used to think that a prideful person was one who boasted arrogantly, often, or loudly about their accomplishments. One can make the mistake, like I did, of thinking they are humble because they are quiet.

The truth is pride isn't about how you say something or even what you say, it is about what you think! There were times when I wanted to get up in church to testify about the goodness of the Lord, and didn't because of my fear of speaking. Then one service while one of the brothers was giving a testimony, I began formulating what I would say if I wasn't so afraid. Then like a whisper in my mind I heard a single question, "What are you afraid of?" I realized that I was afraid I would stumble in my words, that I would sound uneducated, that they would laugh at me or that they would judge me. I was afraid of what others would think of me. The list of these fears went on and on. Then it hit me. I was thinking all about me when I should be focusing on God! Is this pride? You might not think so, but I submit that there is a relationship between that experience and pride. I cared more about myself than in glorifying God. I thought too much of myself to risk anyone thinking less. I was so afraid of having my pride wounded that I chose to sit silent. I thought, "I have low self-esteem, I am humble." Sometimes a problem will mask itself as its opposite.

Slowly and mercifully God has allowed me to see how my pride was hindering my growth in Christ. I used to have a job as a store manager. During this time God kept dealing with me about two things: trusting in Him and you guessed it; pride. I didn't see at the time how closely the two are related. A short time later my job situation would become such that I was compelled to leave. For the first time in my life I did not have a job and I began to learn what it meant to trust in the Lord. This was the beginning of realizing I could not be completely self-sufficient. It was the first of many bricks in the wall of pride to come down. I had build this wall around myself to protect my precious ego, but while my ego was being sheltered, I was missing out on the kind of relationship with God that only comes through humble service and humility. When I surrendered to Him, God took care of my every need. A sister in the church brought me a couple of "right on time" meals without even knowing I was out of work. When my last pay check ran out, a check arrived in the mail from a company that had owed me money years earlier. This was money I had long since written off and forgotten about. By the grace of God, by the time this check ran out I had found another job! This is the hand of God!

This new job was exactly the kind of position I had prayed for, but I was not prepared for the lessons I would learn there. My new job paid slightly less than my previous position, further putting a strain on my finances. And not just that, but now instead of being the boss, I was just one of the crew. I had become used to making all the decisions, delegating the work, and not having a supervisor over my shoulder. This new job was less stress and the work was enjoyable, but if I am honest with myself, I have to admit that I missed the power of being the one in charge. Another brick fell from the wall.

Then came the temptation. It seemed I began to be tempted on every side. Tempted back to the old life. At first I tried to fight these temptations with sheer will-power. But time and time again I would give into them because on my own, I do not have the power to repeatedly say no. I would end up on my knees broken and ashamed begging the Lord for forgiveness after each disastrous episode. Again having to face the fact that I can no longer rely on myself to take care of myself. It is only through God that I can walk away from temptation. I have found that He will always make a way of escape if I am willing to surrender to Him. A few more bricks began to crumble and break free from the wall.

This process of losing control financially and having to give up my material things and rely upon help from my brothers and sisters in the Lord has been a very difficult, rewarding and humbling experience for me. It took the creditors calling at all hours of the day and night, not having enough money for the rent, or gas or groceries to realize that I could not depend on myself. It took me desperately not wanting to admit the situation I was in to realize that I have a problem with pride. I had always trusted in my own ability. I had not yet completely put my trust in the Lord. I am now learning that without God, I am nothing. Anything I have, I have because He has allowed me to have it. It is not through my own ability that I accomplish anything. It is all through Christ. It is a mistake to think we own anything. Everything belongs to the Lord.

So while this move has been difficult, it is not without purpose. I am trying to humble myself to see all that God is doing for me. This house, while it is not my own, is the very best place for me to be right now. My every need is met here. I have food and shelter and fellowship. The room where I am staying is a good size. The closet is larger than the closet I had at my place, the bed is more comfortable than my own and there is even a desk in the room (something I didn't have in my apartment.) Spiritually this home is a great place for me to grow. God is so good to me and I am happy here. By all accounts this is an enormous blessing for me.

I cannot say that the wall of pride has completely come down. There are areas that I have yet to work through as far as that is concerned, but the process has begun. The wall is no longer built up completely around me. I am able to see over it now. To see that it was an illusion of protection. God has shown me that and I am grateful for it. I am learning that I can trust in the Lord. Pride in our own abilities is a false sense of security. There are no guarantees in life that you will have that car or that house or that job tomorrow that you have today, but if you trust in the Lord you don't need to worry about those things because He will supply our every need. If you must build a wall. Build up faith. Build on Him.