How I Learned to Overcome the Pain of Sexual Abuse

I was sexually abused as a child. I was brutalized physically and emotionally. I experienced the kind of life altering pain that for many years prevented me from living a fulfilling life. These experiences left scars upon my mind. These scars manifested as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. A condition which left me vulnerable, confused, and at the mercy of triggers.

A trigger is a situation which is unrelated to the original abuse, but would remind me so strongly of the pain I experienced, that my reaction was inappropriate. An inappropriate reaction could have been something as simple as becoming defensive, or as life altering as picking up and running away to a new town.

In my experience fear was the number one reason I got stuck reliving my painful past. I created the same situations, and involved myself with the same types of toxic people because I was afraid of the unknown. I was often asking myself "how did that happen, again," or "why did that happen, again." I was choosing what was comfortable, not what was healthy? I gravitated toward people who would fulfill my early programming, and they never disappointed me.

Fear can be a good thing when it comes from a healthy place, which is a core feeling of security. People who have been abused and traumatized live in fear all the time. To distinguish between healthy fear and unhealthy fear I had to nurture a healthy feeling of security within myself. I made it my mission to confront my fear.

The trauma I experienced made me anxious and doubt my ability to choose what was healthy for me. I had a disconnect between my brain and my body. My brain would rationalize the unhealthy behavior of others. My body would quake with fear. I made excuses for people, and when I did that I set myself up to repeat the past.

I learned to look at how people behave, and compare their behavior to their words. I learned to listen to my gut reaction too. I was in some bad intimate adult relationships. When the relationships became volatile, I would have to throw up several times a day. That was my body telling me the truth. When my husband told me he loved me, and then he expressed his love with physical violence, and put downs, I woke up. That was not loving behavior. He wanted to control me.

For a good portion of my adult life I had my mothers voice in my head. The voice said, "I was no good, I was a fraud, I would not amount to anything." Because of this voice I made choices for myself which created a life that reflected the statements made by the voice. No matter what I accomplished, I could not enjoy it. I always felt a sense of impending doom, when I should have rightfully been feeling satisfaction and happiness. Therefore, I created drama, and disaster, in an effort to prove that the voice was right.

The first step for removing the voice from my head was to accept that I had a lousy set of parents. They made choices in their lives which reflected their malignant narcissistic personalities.

I had to accept that I was not loved. I had to recognize that what happened to me had nothing to do with me personally. It could have been any child which belonged to these two people and the result would have been the same.

Next, I had to grieve for what I never had. I never had a loving family. I was not protected. I was in fact, betrayed by the people, who under healthy circumstances should have been depended upon to love, nurture, and protect. I did not have that and all my attempts to create love, protection and trust in my life were met with repeated failure. I also had to grieve for my poor choices.

I grieved, by feeling, all my feelings, like anger, fear, loss,and disappointment. It was an enlightening experience. I cried, I heaved my guts up, it took a few years to get it all up and feel everything. The result of this is work is that the flashbacks are gone. I still feel anxiety, but I make new choices now, and part of the anxiety I feel comes from venturing into the unknown.

Instead of running from my troubles, I stand and fight for myself. I confront the bullies, the control freaks, and the energy sucks by naming their behavior, calling them out and refusing to participate in their game. They respond one of two ways, become angry, call me a few choice names and have nothing to do with me, or they respect me and the relationship continues on a healthier level.

I do the same thing with myself. By recognizing my unhealthy choices, naming my behavior, (avoidance, laziness, fearfulness) and confronting myself, I feel I can move forward instead of going nowhere. I also cut myself some slack. I don't have to be perfect. I can make mistakes. Failure is a fact, but it is not the end.

The single most powerful tool is knowing that I choose. I choose to use my talents or ignore them. I choose people into my life who are healthy or I choose to ignore the red flags and then let people hurt me. The power of choice is the single greatest gift I have been given. It takes courage to use it.

I was forty years old before I asked for help. When I did ask it was in a pretty dramatic fashion. I had a psychotic break with reality and wound up in the psychiatric ward of a hospital. The single thing I learned from therapy was that I am the only one who can ultimately help me overcome my early trauma and programming. I learned coping skills, but I had to use them if my life was ever going to change.

I'm forty-eight years old now. It is never too late to learn how to live. That is what I've been learning how to do all my adult life. What can I say, sometimes I'm a slow learner.