How I Learned to Stay Out of the Husband's Doghouse

After 15 years of marriage, three job changes and the birth of three beautiful children the romance in our marriage began to yield the demands of work, raising kids, business travel, attention to aging parents and spending 3 afternoons a week coaching 3 different little league teams. Gradually, and without notice the little things that once added to the 'spark' in our marriage seemed to fade away.

The once quiet, candle light dinner turned into a constant struggle to get Benji to eat his peas, or for Lacy to stop spitting out her carrots or to keep Josh from sharing his meal with the dog sitting at his feet.

The once quiet weekend in the mountains was replaced noisy and seemingly endless hours spent in the stands of soccer fields, basketball gyms and baseball stadiums.

The once quiet nights alone gave way to PTA meetings, helping with homework, basketball, soccer and baseball practice.

It all happened so gradually we did not notice...both my wife and I were so distracted with providing for and meeting the needs of raising our family that we barely noticed that there was little time left for each other.

And while I say without notice it was suddenly brought to my attention after 15 years of marriage when on Valentine's night my wife handed me a beautifully wrapped gift with a large red valentine attached.

I was stunned! Not by the gift itself, but because I had not remembered to buy a gift for my wife.!

For 15 years we had always exchanged gifts on every gift giving occasion, Birthdays, Christmas, Anniversaries, Mother's day, and always Valentine's day...and now, as the final indicator of how far we (I) had drifted I had forgotten the occasion and there was not, could not be any adequate excuse.

As I watched my wife try to cover up her disappointment and hurt I vowed this would never happen again no matter what was going on in my life I would never repeat this huge and hurtful mistake.

...and I have not.

For those reading this who may have had the same regretful experience I would like to share the method I have devised and practiced to insure that I never disappoint my wife again.

At the beginning of each calendar year I mark on my day planner calender the date of each gift giving occasion: The birth date of my wife and each child, anniversary date, Valentine's day date, Mother's day, and even Christmas.

Next, I made a trip to the local Hallmark Card store where I purchased cards for each occasion and added a note,addressed them, sealed them in a stamped envelope and inserted them in the proper place in my date planner calendar.

One week before the cards turn up in the calendar I mail them. ( This is a real improvement for me as I have not previously been consistent about sending cards for all of these occasions).

As the dates of my wife's birthday and/or our anniversary turn up on the calendar I use this reminder to make dinner reservations at her favorite restaurant. (This is something I have frequently forgotten in the past until it was too late to get reservations).

The mailing of the cards also serves as a reminder to buy a birthday or anniversary gift.

However, even with all of the reminders above I have learned that on occasion uncontrolled circumstances can still interfere with the best laid plans for gift buying. Events like unplanned business travel being or stranded out of town due to unpredictable weather or canceled flights can put a serious crimp in gift buying plans.

As a chronic procrastinator I almost learned this lesson the hard way. It was on the occasion of my wife's birthday. I had, thanks to my calendar reminder mailed a birthday card and had made dinner reservations for the night of her birthday, but had delayed buying her gift until the day before the birthday. When I awoke that morning the ground was covered with 3 feet of snow. Everything was shut down....and I had no gift.

One important lesson I learned was to buy the gift early and not procrastinate, but knowing myself I knew there was a good possibility this could happen again and so I now include one more step in my planning for gift giving occasions.

In addition to buying birthday and anniversary cards for the upcoming year I now also purchase at the beginning of the year one gift for my wife which I have gift wrapped and to which I add a card addressed to her. This can be her favorite perfume, a ring, a bracelet, a necklace, or any of a number of gifts on her wish list.

I keep this gift at home, on standby, knowing that one day I will once again get distracted and fail to get a gift on time, but also knowing that I never want to see that look of disappointment and hurt on my wife's face again.

I would like to think that I will never forget or be late in buying a gift ever again, but I know myself too well to expect that. In the meanwhile, I have a system which works for me...and may be a help to you.

I hope so.