How to Leave an Abusive Relationship

When you are ready to leave an abusive relationship, there are certain things you must keep in mind. First of all, the ultimate decision is going to be made by YOU. No one else can force you. The desire must come from deep within yourself, and you must gain strength from this, even if it's just spiritual strength. What you need to do is assemble an emergency plan, obtain counseling, and plan your exit. You can't just leave without a plan, because the man will feel as if he has power over you and be confident that you will return to him when you run out of resources. You have to have a plan.

As for as your emergency plan, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (USA) to find out about shelters in your area. The bottom line is that you need somewhere to run to, somewhere to go.

If you have a car, make a spare key and hide it somewhere completely safe. If you do not have a car, make a list of nearby taxi's and stash enough money for the cab ride. Assemble a get-away bag...hide money, your spare key, the taxi numbers, your change of clothing, any important phone n umbers, information, and documents such as your social security cards, marriage certificate (or copies), birth certificate, and identification cards. Hide this somewhere away from home where you can retrieve it later on.

As far as counseling, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (USA). Tell them you are being abused and that you desperately need help. Then, when you feel ready to take flight, get an alternate address. Never use the address you are sharing with your husband. You can use a friend's address, or even obtain a P.O. Box address at the Post Office. Use this when you're opening new accounts to anything. Never, never use the old one because your husband may track you down, find you, and believe he has the upper hand. Like I mentioned already, find out where you can stay. Can you stay with a friend or relative for a while? If not, try to find shelter with the phone number I gave you earlier. Have your social security number changed. At this website, you can find more information on social security number changes for victims of domestic abuse: www.ssa.gov/pubs/10093.html. Get a new bank account under your new address. Make sure to open a bank account in the place you are planning on running away to. If you live in Texas, and are planning to move to Virginia, get a bank account in Virginia. Make phone calls, ask questions.

As far as money goes, sell what you can without your husband knowing. Save the money. Borrow from friends and family. You can even write for associated content, and have the money sent to Pay Pal under your new address. EBay is always an option as well. If you learn how to sell items on EBay, have it sent to the new address and clear the history on the computer so that your "loved one" will never know what you were doing. If you do not already have good credit, establish some. When you open your new bank account, get a credit card for a small amount. Make sure you have that amount saved up in you bank somehow. Go to your favorite store and spend that amount of money, then pay it off immediately. This begins to establish good credit, which you will need to get a new apartment and begin your new life. Be financially responsible. If you are not, it will be like pouring salt into the wound. You will have more problems than you already do, so be careful with that credit card. Only use it if you know you can pay it RIGHT AWAY. This is extremely important.

When you are up to this step, it's time to find legal help. You may go to this website: www.womenslaw.org. This website explains the laws in your area, where you can go for help, what you can do, what your rights are, and who to call. The site even has court order forms hat you can download.

If you have children, chances are they have already been negatively affected by the relationship with the abusive spouse. Know the law in your state. Know your rights. The following website can be extremely useful to gain this knowledge: http://www.familylaw.org/familylawcode.htm and http://www.rightsforchildren.org. Sadly, some states give custody to the father is the mother is the one that abandons the family. If there is evidence lacking that the husband was, indeed, an abuser, this may happen. Check the law in your state regarding this so that this doesn't happen to you. When trying to obtain custody, you must prove that the custody of the children going to you is in the best interests of the child. You must show the court how your husband's behavior makes him unable to properly care of the children. If he does drugs, if he beats you, if he drinks, point how this affects you as a family unit. Have proof. For example, if your husband is a drug abuser and is constantly in a drugged state of mind, there is no way he is able to care for the children. Therefore, this makes giving him custody not in the best interests of the child.

In order to obtain proof, save police reports, photographs of damages and injuries. Keep medical reports, and paperwork signed by witnesses. Find evidence of drug arrests and drunken driving convictions. Evidence is crucial.

If there is every a time when you feel desperate, and you feel your children are in danger, call the police and get a police report. This can be used as good solid evidence of abuse to help prove that the father is not in the best interest of the child, or children. Hire an attorney. If you are going to court, dress professionally. Arrive earlier than expected. Make sure you know exactly where you're going and what room you need to be in. Be calm, even if your "loved on" is telling lies about you. Don't look like a fool. Be honest when telling your side of the story, and make sure you have all copies of any evidence in a folder. Remember that evidence can also include pictures.

When you have become stable enough to leave your husband for good, it's time to get a divorce. Obtain all tax returns for the last two years. Get any work pay stubs and bank account statement for the last three months. If you have had any Brokerage account information, obtain those, and also union statements for the last three months. Have copies of any Life Insurance Policy that has cash value. Copy the Deed of Trust to all properties owned. Have copies of the pink slip to all vehicles that are owned, and/or a copy of the registration in the case that the car is being financed. Have a list of your monthly expenses, any and all loans and credit cards debts, and the names, ages, birthdates, and addresses of the children. Include addresses from as far back as five years when filling out that portion of paperwork.

When you have your own place, make sure your number is unlisted. Call your local phone company and let them know that you want to be non-published.

Earlier I mentioned about deleting information on the computer that your husband or lover can come across. To delete your history, open up the Internet browser. Click on Tools, then Internet Settings, and then Click on Delete Cookies, Delete Files, and Delete History. Remember to change your passwords that you may have shared in the past. When you are finally on your feet, apply to learn a trade. You can become a medical assistant, pharmacy technician...anything that doesn't involve a terribly long time in school, and something that will provide a good income. Now that you are free from abuse, you can begin your new life. Just make sure to never, ever fall into that pattern again. Be very, very careful.