How to Legally Torture Your Children

Part of parenting is torturing your children. I'm not talking about whips and violence. I'm talking about some good old fashioned reminders that your children are at your mercy. Of course, doing things like this require a sense of humor and the ability to use your parenting skills to entertain your children. Everything offered here is legal, but given the ever increasing amount of political igorance..err...correctness, that could change. So, perform these tasks at your own risk. Seriously, those early morning arguments can easily be halted with a bit of fun that I like to refer to as "torture". In fact, I've told my son that my sole purpose in giving birth was to have someone around to constantly entertain me. Yes, he does know I'm kidding!

Sleep Over Air Raids: This torture method works best on boys. To begin, you need to plan an indoor camp out for you son or son's and his or their friends. Make it like a real camp out and serve beanie weenies. Once the children are safely tucked inside their tent, yell "Air strike" and fart on their tent. No, you shouldn't feel bad about it. Just think about all the smelly diapers you changed and future smelly socks you'll be picking up.

Go Cat Lady: My son came home and told me he had almost got a time out in school because he was talking to a girl when he shouldn't have been. When I asked for more information, he told me the conversation was over. I calmly told him that was fine and offered the alternative. I would ask the girl. But, I was going to drop him off at school wearing my pajamas, curlers in my hair and bright pink lipstick. As I approached the girl I would be humming the "Kissing in the Tree" song and carrying a sweater I was knitting for a cat we don't have. (He should have seen right through this one. I don't even knit!) He reflected on this, then decided to share the rest of the requested information. You might have your own version of "Cat Lady." This just happened to be the one that I used.

Teach Bonding: Children don't always get along and you may have to go to extremes to stop the arguing. This foolproof method comes with lots of variations so you can adapt it to fit your needs. Start by making the arguing children sit next to each other. If they are very small, they can sit in an armchair together. Otherwise, have them share a couch cushion if possible. For girls, put on a guys sports show that they hate, like football or golf. For boys, put on a historical romance or other chic flick. (I personally used to use documentaries until I figured out that the kids were actually enjoying them.) The children can get up after they each say something nice to the other and give a handshake or hug, depending on the situation. When they get mad at you at first, you have accomplished the first task of giving them something in common. Soon, they'll be in giggles and the anger will abate.

Give Them a Kiss: My son kisses me goodbye every time he goes somewhere. Until recently that is - since he discovered girls. Now, I'm apparently not supposed to kiss him goodbye if there is a girl present. This actually works to my advantage if I want to aggravate him on the way to drop him off anywhere near a girl's house. I can get promises of a clean room and trash taken out easily when I use the threat of a kiss in front of a girl.

Sometimes you just have to have a sense of humor to be a parent. I really wouldn't actually "torture" any child, but I will make them giggle and see the humor in life. In my world children are a blessing and their giggles are the rhythm that I dance to.