How to Lie Convincingly

Lying to an acquaintance is easy. Why would you want to do anything else? Lying to a boss or co-worker... slightly more difficult, but do-able. Lying to a buddy... is probably for his own good. However, lying to a spouse or loved one, relative, child, or close friend... is mission impossible for most people. Just look at today's divorce rate if you're not convinced. Lies are easy to spot, when one knows what to look for. They quickly evolve into tall-tales, which are difficult to manage and impossible to control. Some lies inherit a life of their own-- and before you know it you're caught in a sticky web of he-said, she-said that'll suffocate you if you don't squirm out of it. The worst part is... once a lie is spoken... it cannot be undone.

We all know lies are wicked, cruel, and nothing but hurtful to everyone involved... but we don't care. We lie all the time anyway. So here's a quick and comprehensive guide to the art of lying. Convincingly. Gracefully. One may even say... Poetically.

K.I.S.S.

Keep it simple, stupid. An elaborate deception filled with places, props, and costumes is like a clown walking around with his big clown shoes and his big clown nose at a funeral. Skip the details. When asked, make like you forgot them. Alcohol was involved. You're fuzzy. Example:

INCORRECT: "Why did you come back from your 'business meeting' covered in whip cream and glitter?"

"Well... the business meeting turned out to be a last minute surprise birthday party for my secretary's friend's cousin Rita May Bathelsdala. They had this crazy DJ who played Michael Jackson songs and we all got up and danced like zombies to Thriller. I thought the whip cream might resemble froth coming from my mouth and running down my shirt... what do you think? It was a hit with the other zombies. Then the disco ball shorted and exploded right over my head! Glitter everywhere! Rita was her usual dog-ugly self..." --Would you like some ketchup with your foot?

CORRECT: "Why did you come back from your 'business meeting' covered in whip cream and glitter?"

"Whip cream? Crap. They were celebrating the boss' birthday and I must have spilled cake all down my shirt. Idiots decorated the entire office with glitter. If I'd have known it was a surprise party instead of a meeting, I wouldn't have bothered going."

Your Eyes

Look straight ahead. Maintain eye contact. When your eyes are shifting from place to place, you look like a cornered animal trying to escape. Don't hold a staring contest... just look into your victim's face, like it's any other day.

Body Language

Act casual. When you look uncomfortable, the person you're deluding to will want to know what's wrong. You were asked a simple question... why are you sweating and shaking and fidgeting with yourself? Before telling your falsehood- do a body check. Make sure your muscles aren't clenched and your teeth aren't grinding. Stop acting so itchy.

When Lies Come Back to Haunt You

Inevitably, a lie you told last year, or six years ago, will come back around the bend. You'll be questioned about it again... and if your facts should differ from the first telling of the lie, you lose. You'd be surprised what the misinformed party will recall. They're testing you... they remember every word you spewed during your bout of verbal diarrhea and they're finally ready to pounce. Do you have your facts straight? Do you remember how it all went down? When you've told a number of lies, you may not remember which tall-tale belongs to which shenanigan... Don't get caught! If you have any doubts whatsoever, be as vague as possible... or just plead the 5^th. Example:

INCORRECT: "What was the name of that lady's friend's cousin your office threw a Michael Jackson themed surprise party for? And what was it that exploded?"

"Oh... you mean... Ricky Batilda? A whip cream grenade exploded... I believe..."

CORRECT: "Which office party? I think I may have been drinking that night... Do you remember?"

Tattle-Tales

It's best to not involve others in your lies. If you must come up with a person to blame, invent someone. If your tall-tale involves any of your hooligan buddies, make sure everyone is aware of the story and familiar with their role. Any one of them could spoil it completely, so keep that in mind when you include them.

Save it for Special Occasions

The fewer lies you tell, the less likely you are to be called on your bull. Take care with what you say. One lie may lead to another, and then another, and then another. Before you know it, your whole life is one big joke. Everyone you love will become suspicious and distant. Strangely enough, people are more quick to forget that time you said, "I love you" than every falsehood you've ever spun. Lies, like floodgates, must be opened with care.