How Limiting Choices Leads to a Happier Preschooler

Limiting choices and positive interaction can simplify the life of a child, allowing him to relax in his own world. He is comforted by the fact that his parents or caregivers know what is best and will provide this for him. Interaction is kept on a positive note and negativity is diminished.

Limiting Choices

Unlike attachment parenting seems to, Waldorf methods actually focus on limiting the choices given to a child. It is more respectful to the child to limit his choices, as that way he can be secure that you, the parent, have it under control and he is free to be a child. On the outside I generally look like an "attachment parenting parent", my baby sleeps in our bed, we will breast feed beyond the 12-month mark, and I use a sling more often than a stroller. This is based on the biological norm of parenting, what you would revert to if stranded without anyone or anything to guide you. This type of parenting does not create children who are restless and unhappy as long as I'm thinking about what I'm doing and remembering that I'm the mom. I meet all of my child's needs, but I do not assume that he knows exactly what his needs are.

A book that is wonderful in explaining the type of parenting that we strive for is You Are Your Child's First Teacher, by Rahima Dancy based on the philosophy of Rudolf Steiner, founder of Waldorf Education. Some examples are:

Page 253
"A three-year old is incapable of acting with reflection, so we are asking something of which a child is incapable, although the articulate ones will start giving us all kinds of creative answers! Steiner states that you might be able to appeal to reason in a child in adolescence, but not before. When you constantly reason with a young child to have her do what you want, you end up with a five-year-old who has learned through imitation to do the same with you, all of the time."

Page 13
"As adults we have forgotten what it was like to live in a nonlinear, non sequential world. We expect to be able to reason with our children as soon as they are verbal. We reason with them about everything from their behavior and its consequences to why the sea is salty. And indeed, some five-year-olds show great ability to conduct such conversations with their parents- but they have learned it through imitating years of that type of interaction with their parents. Young children do not yet think rationally, and reason has little impact on changing their behavior."

Note this goes against popular modern parenting advise, like Dr. Sears advises " Three[-year-olds] thrive on choices. Sharing in the selection process makes them feel important, and they are more likely to cooperate. Share your choice-making: "Which dress should Mommy wear, the blue one or the red one?" Children with persistent personalities ("power kids") need choices."

I respectfully disagree. Giving the child choices just confuses him and does not allow him to relax within the confines of what his parents are providing for him.

This reminds me of some children who have meltdowns during what should be a fun activity, like going to the zoo or picking out an ice cream at an ice cream shop. While it may seem stifling, often the best thing parents can do in this case is to choose for the child. In the car, let them know what to expect - "We will go in, and you will get a strawberry ice cream cone, it's your favorite! And then we will sit down at the table and eat it together."

I trust that as the one God chose to send this little person to, I will know when it's time to start letting go and allow him to make his own choices, but for now I will simplify his life as much as is needed. No need to stress out a preschooler over ice cream! :)

Instead of offering choices and hoping that the child will choose one of a couple options that are acceptable to you, it is better to address the child's behavior and encourage them to interact positively with you. Do not wait until the behavior has gotten to unacceptable and then intervene, hoping that the overstimulated child will then choose something acceptable to you.

Positive interaction

Focusing on what you want rather than what you do not want makes what is correct be the first thing that is on the child's mind. When you say 'no hitting' the child will focus on 'hitting'. In turn, if you say 'our hands are for hugging and playing and working' then the child will have something productive to do with his hands and oftentimes will forget about hitting. Likewise, if we say 'we sit on our seats with our legs crossed' the child has what he is supposed to do in the forefront of his mind. If we say 'Don't stand up at story time" 'stand up' is what he is thinking of.

Another misconception of the above way to phrase things that I will hear is 'No, don't stand up, sit down' Parents often feel the need to negatively correct their young children. That is not necessary. The 'No, don't stand up' is unnecessary and just confuses the child. The emphasis is placed on 'Don't' and the child will focus in on that part of the sentence. By simply stating 'sit down' there is no room for confusion by the child.

On Page 254 of You Are Your Child's First Teacher:
"For example, instead of correcting the child by saying, "Don't eat with your fingers," pick up your spoon and very purposefully go through the motions yourself while saying, "We eat with our spoon." Or instead of saying, "Go clean up your toys," we need to go with the child and do it together while we might say, "It's time to put your toys away." ... Whenever possible, state the positive: "Pet the kitty gently," while you show how to do it rather than shrieking, "Don't hurt the kitty!" Sentences with "don't" will communicate your displeasure, but the brain often doesn't process every word, so the message may in fact register as, "...hurt... kitty!" It's a lot more effective to be saying, ".... gentle.... kitty," instead. "

I really try to use this with our babe now, and I find it creates a much more pleasant household as well. I say things with a smile, gently and firmly if needed. I reserve 'No' for danger, like reaching out to touch something hot. You want the reaction for 'No!' to be to stop what they are doing, but this will be conditioned away if 'No!' is used to often.

Some will say things like, 'children are human, we should reason with them as soon as they are verbal to show respect'. Yes, children are human and blessings from God. Yes, they appear to show understanding once they are verbal, and they can understand a lot from you. But children lack the ability to reason in the same way that adults can. A two year old might parrot back what you want him to say, but this is a learned response. He has not had enough life experience to draw on and does not have the linear thinking process that adults have, and thus needs his life simplified as to not confuse him. This is not showing a child disrespect, but rather is bringing order to a child's world and allowing him to flourish by meeting him where it is developmentally appropriate for him. As he gets older, he can make more choices. As the parent you know your child and you will see when he is able to make choices himself.

You Are Your Child's First Teacher, Rahima Dancy
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