How to Live with a World of Warcraft Player

I do not like video games and consider them a total waste of time. My husband, on the other hand was an avid player of Everquest when we met. He moved on to World of Warcraft about 4 years ago. (I asked about the switch, he attributes this to population.) But no matter what he plays, I don't get it. I will never fully understand the draw.

Though I don't "get it," I realize WOW is played by millions and make no mistake; I live with one of the millions. So, let's discuss addiction, the great justification, and how we non-gamers can cope because gaming arguments can definitely cause a marriage to rift.

Addiction

The rift my husband and I encounter most generally comes back to our differing definitions of what constitutes addiction. So, before we move on to how my husband and I have worked with these differences, let's air the common disagreements. (Now, if you live with a gamer, I wager these will sound familiar.)

You must know that my husband would dispute that he is a WOW addict (sound familiar?) But to me, 5 hours a night (and free hours of the day) on World of Warcraft qualifies. I believe he is in the classic addict stage - denial. Yet, when asked the question,

"What would it take for you to stop playing?"

His responses were: You giving me the ultimatum that I quit playing or you leave...OR...if you could give me a good reason not to play. The truth is he will quit when he has a good reason to and right now, he doesn't. I am not willing to say, "The game or me." And if he shirked responsibility to game, we would have a different issue, but he doesn't. So, I am living with a gamer - for better or worse.

But he is kidding himself to say he is not addicted - right down to every great justified reason he has to play.

Justified

My husband has 3 ways to justify play time. Perhaps you have heard these before:

Justification 1: "Would you rather me be at a bar? At least I am home. You know where I am."

Never mind that he hates bars. And are these really my options as a loving wife and mother: A gaming husband or a bar hopping husband? Wow. (And I don't mean World of Warcraft WOW, I mean the sarcastic kind of "wow" that one feels when they realize what an idiot they are - me being the idiot for allowing that comment more than once.)

But let's be thankful that "I know where he is." To that I ask, "As opposed to being where?" This results in the rebuttal that it is not about WHERE he is...but that he is home (you know, investing in our marriage - ha.) In the end, "Being home" is really a state of mind, not a location. But that's just me.

Justification 2: "It is my release. I just don't think about anything but the game when I am playing. This is my downtime."

I believe this is justification is aimed to offset anything I might do for fun, no matter how productive or healthy. By the way, does he really think I consider laundry and work fun? Really though, he believes gaming to be a hobby, as many gamers might. But at what point is a hobby overtaking LIVING?

Justification 3: "Do you realize the people that play this game? Doctors, Lawyers, Business Owners! I was talking yesterday to a guy....." (Spouse is supposed to understand: They are a part of an elite group of success stories.)

Elite and diverse as the gamer may be, I have never personally known anyone who is highly successful (financially) outside of trust fund babies, who devoted more than 5 hours a day to a video game. Why? Because these people are putting in the hours it takes to BE financially stable - which generally requires more than 40 hours a week of work. I say that not because I am a gold digger, but because the argument always includes "doctors", "lawyers"...etc. This is meant to imply successful people play these games.

I am sure these people exist. They exist like the people who win the big lottery on Saturday - but I have never met a winner. Suffice it to say, more than half of addicted video gamers are probably overweight. And studies show people who game, do it for social reasons - one of the largest contributing forces. So, odds are, their social lives aren't that great or fulfilling, or they wouldn't be turning to a computer screen.

I have given you this reasoning to let you know I understand where you are coming from, if you too are out are out there, and living with a WOW-er. We have these conversations and I in no way think gaming excessively is productive nor do I wish to enable an addiction.

On With It: Solutions

So, let's get real. I have been married almost 10 years and it is unlikely this gaming thing is going away. I am at grips with that. Honestly, I am not sure I care because I covet my down time in my own home, too. But more, I think I have learned to cope instead of nag - but this is something that has come with time and joint effort. So, here are a few things that may help partners of gamers, I know they have helped me!

Tip #1 - Share Space

If your spouse is monopolizing the computer, move your hobby to the same room. My hobby happens to be writing, or working on the computer. So, I moved my computer to the same room. I also went on a sewing stint for about a year...and moved my sewing machine to the same room. There is something really nice about being in the same room, even if you are doing different things. It serves as a constant reminder that you can independently have fun, together. Plus, for us talkers, you can talk to your spouse without feeling like you are interrupting.

Tip #2 - You Sit, I Sit

Doing housework while someone plays a video game is probably the fastest way to become resentful. I may start with a good attitude, but it never ends that way. Lay down the law that if you work, they work. When the work is done...then play.

This can be hard for stay at home mothers who may feel like their husband is "working" and they put off chores well into game time. You must be fair. If you are sitting in front of Oprah while your husband is at work that is at least 1 hour they should be able to game without wrath.

If both parents work, there is no excuse for one playing video games while the other does all the work. I am a busy body by nature and it is physically difficult for me to sit when he sits. But, I remind myself all the time that if I work while he sits...that is MY choice. If I start getting resentful, we discuss when the work will get done, or I make myself sit. We cannot blame our game lovers if we are excessive compulsive. It's just not fair. But don't take all the heat (or the housework), the gamer needs to play fair, too.

Tip # 3 - Know your Joy

Joy is different than happy. Happy is a feeling and like many feelings, fleeting. Joy comes from a different place of contentment and contentment comes from feeling fulfilled. If you are waiting on your spouse to fulfill you, no matter what their hobby is, you may be waiting a very long time.

Finding your own Joy, which can come in the form of what you spend your time doing is a very direct route to not getting angry every time they sit down at the computer. So, if you don't have a hobby of your own...time to start learning about yourself and giving yourself time to do exactly what you like to do, too.

If your partner is shirking responsibility to play a game there may be deeper issues that this article or any amount of reading will fix. But if you live with a daily gamer, it's fair to say there will be arguments and I think that is really normal. What you can do until they have a reason to quit, or until you tire enough to give them an ultimatum is share space, sit when they sit (and discuss it when you need help with chores) and invest time in yourself. It is then that you may say WOW...I can live with that!