How to Lose Money and Gain Body Fat in Six Easy Steps

As a formerly-much-chubbier-than-present person myself, I've seen a little too much fraud and dishonesty in the weight-loss industry. Besides my own past goals of losing weight, I've seen friends, family, neighbors, and even strangers expressing a desire to lose a few pounds. Whatever the reason, be it personal, sexual, health reasons, or all of the above, literally millions of Americans are wanting to enjoy all of the apparent benefits of keeping excess fat off, or shedding it in the first place. What they're all too often getting is the opposite results.

As with any noble goal (and being in shape is a noble goal after all) there are those who know if they just offer the masses an easy answer, a "magic bullet" so to speak, they'll get rich! While nothing is bad about getting rich in and of itself (prosperity being another noble goal), those who would do so by fraud and deceit, are in some ways lower than any common street thug, due to sheer laziness and cowardice. Frankly, I'm sick of it. If most of what's being offered to help consumers lose weight and save money does the opposite, why are these frauds allowed to operate? When will the lies stop?

I can't afford the lawsuits, so there won't be any weight loss product names mentioned specifically. But if you'll just use your imagination, I'll bet readers will be able to "put two and two together" on their own, without much help from me. You'll enjoy my six easy steps to lose money and gain body fat! Unlike every schuyster, fraud, and snake oil sales person out there today, I'm going to share with you how to achieve the exact same results you've been buying, but without the bill of goods. Hang on. This is going to hurt:

How to lose money and gain body fat; step one: Set your sights on unrealistic goals.
The plain and simple truth of the matter is, there really is no "ideal" look. Some people are rounder than others (endomorphs). Some are taller and skinnier (ectomorphs). While some are considered the ideal body (mesomorphs...I'm not making this up! Research it for yourself!) Frankly speaking, an endomorph will never attain the sculpted look of any mesomorph, no matter what's promised on the packaging. No "positive mental attitude" will ever overcome genetic predisposition.

Those crazy "realists" just focus on being in as fit of a condition as their body type will allow. Geez! They're happy for their own reasons, not other people's versions of "ideal." The first step in losing money and gaining body fat is to delude yourself from genetic reality.

How to lose money and gain body fat; step two: Buy every gimmick.
Nothing will suck the money, time, and joy out of living faster than biting on every tasty morsel of bait that BS marketing can provide. Not all marketing professionals are full of crap. But all successful con artists are crafty! Gimmicks come in a variety of forms. There's magic pills, long-term contracts with gyms and health clubs, hypnosis, magical "instant" abdominal/butt exercise machines, weight loss clubs, powders, mixes, shakes, vitamins, potions, patches, magnets, magic, and on and on! Simply put: No con artist will sell you anything that will truly work, since that wouldn't allow them to bleed you as dry as possible again in the future. Even those gyms that might not require a long term commitment will usually expect a nice payment upfront, because they know you'll be giving up soon.

How to lose money and gain body fat; step three: Diet regularly.
Just the act of being in the "diet cycle" of depriving yourself, and then bouncing back with a hungry vengeance, will not only keep the blubber on your tubber, it often results in extra body fat! Add to that the beauty of how much is spent on all these dieting books, and you have a guaranteed recipe for success...at losing money and gaining weight. Only those crazy, unreasonable folks who insist on real results will ever tell you the truth about eliminating excess weight: Stop eating so much and sitting around! If what you really want is to be overweight and broke then, go ahead, follow the herd. If you want to be healthy, do what healthy people do! Control your eating. Increase your physical activity. TaDaaa!

How to lose money and gain body fat; step four: Dehydrate yourself thoroughly.
Water is vital. We need it for digestion, energy, sight, a healthy cardiovascular system, waste elimination, well...everything! It's a commonly known fact that, without water, you'll die. So, instead of water, to keep the weight, lose money, and most importantly, to waste time with all of your efforts, keep up those sugary, crappy sodas and diet drinks. The caffeinated ones are preferred in your strategy for keeping fat. If soda pop isn't your thing, then use alcoholic beverages. That big old beer gut is so sexy!

How to lose money and gain body fat; step five: Support your friendly neighborhood convenience store.
What possible reason would someone have to eat things like fruits and vegetables, or to even cook? Those of us wishing to lose all of the money, and keep all of the body fat possible, need look no further than their favorite convenience store. Somewhere amidst all of the sugar, processed crap, and soda, you'll find all you need to keep going where you're going. Do I hate convenience stores? Not at three am and I'm out of toilet paper! But we all know that many folks live on the garbage-called-food sold in convenience stores. We even raised our kids on it. Good consumer!

How to lose money and gain body fat; step six: Quitters never win! Yay quitters!
This one is vital. As soon as any aspect of living becomes challenging, just quit. That's all! Hey, "No pain? No pain," right? In the words of a semi-famous comedian, whose name I can't recall: "I tried lifting weights once, but they were too heavy." That pretty much sums it up. No courage, maturity, or determination at all is needed to waste money and gain extra body fat. (But at least I'm not presenting my worthless garbage, as anything other than worthless garbage!) Just keep quitting any program/regimen that becomes the slightest bit difficult, and hop from pipe dream scam to pipe dream scam! See? It's easy to lose money and gain body fat with my easy steps!

Sources:
http://www.bodybuildingpro.com/bodytypeinformation.html
http://www.webmd.com/diet/features/avoiding-quick-weight-loss-gimicks
http://www.enotalone.com/article/3247.html
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070626155821AAGMwDa
http://www.spartafit.com/articles/the%20effects%20of%20alcohol.php
http://bastyrcenter.org/content/view/455/
http://nutrition.about.com/od/askyournutritionist/f/processedfoods.htm
http://my.clevelandclinic.org/heart/prevention/nutrition/conveniencefoods.aspx