How to Lose the Most Trading Stocks and Retire Poor

If you follow these simple steps, you are guaranteed to lose money even in a rising market, and retire poor.

1) Follow your adviser's recommendations: they usually favor low cost high return instruments that are in your best interest.

2) Don't worry:

(a) Long-term, stocks always do well;

(b) Your personalized portfolio with professional asset allocation will protect you from market downturns; and

(c) Your adviser is watching your portfolio for you.

3) Start worrying when your portfolio is down 30% and your adviser does not return your phone calls.

4) Sell when your portfolio is down 50%, pundits see the end of capitalism and a greater than the great depression, and your adviser's phone has been disconnected.

5) Switching advisers in a downturn is the best way to protect your portfolio. The old one obviously did not know what he was talking about, the new one sure does.

6) Don't trust a market upturn: you know there is no reason for stocks to go up. Everybody says so.

7) If your favorite stocks are surging, don't chase them: wait for a pullback. The market always comes back to give those left behind a second chance.

8) Make full use of the "aha!" principle: run a stock tip by your adviser and fire him if he turns it down and the stock goes up. Clearly, the adviser does not have a clue, and you will do equally well with the next 20 picks.

9) Follow CNN and CNBC. Those guys always have your best interests at heart. Always.

10) Buy when you are finally convinced that it is safe to get back in. For example, when the Dow has gone from 7,000 to 10,000. That's safe alright.

11) If you buy something, stick with it no matter what. The market can be wrong, you - never.

12) Sell your winners and keep your losers. Good times never last but losers always come back. Always.

13) Short when you think the market has topped. Short more when the market fails to realize that it should have topped, and goes even higher.

14) Try something new, like shorting the dollar or buying gold futures. How difficult can it be?

15) If you want to subscribe to a financial newsletter or a stock picking service, remember: the amount they charge is directly proportionate to the amount they will make you.

17) If you buy at the top and still have some idle cash, average down to reduce your cost basis so that you can break even ahead of the crowd.

If everything else fails, buy high, sell low.