How I Lost My Faith (and Became a Lot Happier)

If I'm discussing religion with someone and the almost inevitable question comes up, "What are you?", "What do you believe?" or even the assuming, "What church do you go to?", I reply honestly: I'm agnostic, but I used to be Christian. Sometimes the discussion leads to what lead to this change, but more often I am asked exactly what an agnostic is.

Agnosticism is difficult to pinpoint. The website Religioustolerance.org defines it as a concept rather than a religion, as one agnostic will believe something that differs from another. The website compares it to Christianity as both have vast definitions that can vary but ultimately don't derive from a root belief. Like Christianity, there is a unifying property to Agnotisicm, with "the one principle linking all meanings of "Agnostic" is that God's existence can neither be proved nor disproved, on the basis of current evidence." (1) The site goes on to various definitions of the term, citing Houghton Mifflin, Merriam-Webster, and Wikipedia.

My personal beliefs run more along the lines of what George Carlin said in his 1992 video/album "Jammin' in New York": "I think we're part of a greater wisdom than we will ever understand. A higher order. Call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. The Big Electron...Whoooa. Whoooa. Whoooa. It doesn't punish, it doesn't reward, it doesn't judge at all. It just is. And so are we. For a little while."

I tell people that I believe that there is a force out there but I don't believe in a conscious God, one who has a list of things that I shouldn't do and who cares who I sleep with, what I eat , who I'm friends with, and where I go on Sundays. I believe that if there is something that one can call "God", it is a force that controls the universe and not our emotions. I believe nature has a system as do humans and the human body, but if there is a master plan, I don't think it involves ethereal planes or angels or demons.

The fact is, I used to be Christian, and a very devoted one. I was raised by parents who were also once Christians, but are now more agnostic, and we all attended Catholic mass on Sundays. I went to Sunday school, was baptized, had communion, and became a member of the local church youth group when my mother and I moved after my parent's divorce. I prayed every night, studied the Bible, discussed Christ's teachings with friends, and even planned on getting a crucifix tattoo when I was eighteen.

While I was devout, however, I had questions. Why were women portrayed so negatively in the Bible? Why did Leviticus condone slavery and murder and condem homosexuality? Why didn't Christians believe in evolution? Why couldn't my Jewish and non-Christian friends get into Heaven? Why was there such a difference between the wrathful, jealous Old Testament God and the peaceful, loving Jesus Christ of the New Testament? Why did some Christians oppose abortion but didn't oppose capital punishment? Why did Christians want to ignore America's founding principle of seperation of church and state and kept lobbying for prayer in schools? It was these questions and a sermon that began to rouse the faith out of me. My mother and I were attending Sunday mass, when the preacher told us not to let non-believers and homosexuals in our homes, and we almost walked out in outrage. As we rode home, she told me that if I wanted to go back, I could, but she couldn't return and listen to messages of hate and intolerance. I told her I was about to tell her the same thing, and we haven't been to church since (with the exception of a few family weddings and baptisms).

After that, I tried to keep praying. I asked God to show me the path, to explain why hatred seemed intangled in Christianity, how I could strengthen my faith without abandoning my friends and principles. I eventually stopped praying, and then realized that I didn't want to feel guilty for being friends with a wiccan, who was one of my best friends in high school. I didn't want to feel unworthy of God's love because I was best friends with a gay man, and because I had sometimes questioned my own sexuality. I didn't want to feel like a lowly sinner, forever pleading for God's grace when I had never committed a major sin.

I began reading about philosophy and fell in love with the teachings of those who asked difficult questions. I became particularly enamored with Nietzsche, who had famously declared "God is dead" in The Gay Science, meaning that the idea of God as a moral guidance was obsolete. I realized that my non-Christian friends had morals and some seemed more upstanding than my devout Christian friends. I studied nature's cycles and became fascinated with the structure of the human body and how it repairs itself, and I realized that I still believed in a guiding force but no longer believed that it cared about such trivial things as sexuality and eating meat on Fridays. I started learning about other religions and the philosophy of religion, and that's when I started identifying myself as an agnostic.

Some have argued to me that it would be better for me to believe in God as if I am wrong, I will go to Hell, but if I follow a Christian life and there is not afterlife, nothing is lost. This argument is better known as Pascal's Wager after the French philosopher Blaise Pascal. I strenously object to this line of reasoning, as it focuses more on one's own well-being rather than actual faith, and is a cowardly approach to getting in God's graces, if there is a God or a judgemental God. Instead, I'm free to learn more about the history of the earth, to question life and its meaning, to live my personal life as I see fit. I've lost my faith and gained my freedom and happiness, and I wouldn't give up either of those things for anything in this world, or the next.

(1) B.A. Robinson, "Agnosticism: Uncertainty about whether God exists" Religioustolerance.org. (http://www.religioustolerance.org/agnostic.htm)

Related links:

"God is dead" - From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/God_is_dead)

"Pascal's Wager" - From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pascal%27s_wager)