How to Have a Lousy Sex Life

There is "how-to" material for virtually every subject that exists-- tips for improving anything and everything in one's life. But it seems only fair that when so many folks insist upon negativity, we should comply with their wishes and attempt to aid them, also, in getting what they believe they want.

For folks who desire a negative sex life, one that will start out on the wrong foot and have the potential of continuing as such, becoming "sexually active" at a relatively young age is one of the surest ways of achieving that goal. Think for a moment about what this decision and course of action will mean to you-- and, likewise, to the individuals who become a part of it with you. First, whether you are male or female, you will learn to view the subject in such coarse, locker-room terms as "scoring," "getting some," "bedding them," etc.; and, if you are sincere enough about reducing it to its most vulgar level, you can permanently and totally brush off any possibility of intimacy by describing it as 'the F- word.' On the practical side, look at what you will gain from holding this point of view: you can wallow in a perpetual state of immaturity; you can be relieved of any future chance of true intimacy; and you can place the human beings who are on the receiving-end of this attitude in the position of being nothing but objects for your own gratification-- in the term coined by a movie character, those whom you "bed" will be your "MT's": masturbation tools. If you're inclined to feel that it's o.k. to view your prospective conquests in such a manner, would you feel the same way if it was directed toward your mother, your sister, your daughter?

Equally important for those who choose this course of action, but possibly not as well known, is you will learn how to repress. Think about it: if you spend your early "sex life" sneaking around, getting it when and where you can, stealthily hiding your "activity" from your parents or others who may not be supportive of what you are doing, "not getting caught" will be your primary consideration; and when this is ingrained in youth, it will continue in your later years as being unresponsive and nonexpressive. You will likely never realize that in true intimacy the saying "silence is golden" does not hold, but rather makes the experience quite unfulfilling, confusing, and essentially a waste of time.

If you are really serious about having a lousy sex life, use drugs. However much junk you put into your system, or of what type, or how long you indulge, this is a guarantee that your body, mind and emotions will be either numb enough or blocked enough that your experiences will be diminished.

To significantly lessen any possible meaning in your experiences, reduce it to the teenagers-in-lockerroom mentality by talking about it. Surely you do not want it to be intimate sharing between two people, personal and private-- tell everyone who will listen, what you did, to whom you did it, and don't leave out the details! This will ensure that people will see you as a scorer, a player, a user!

For the best possible chance at a lousy sex life, try to live in a geographical location where promiscuity and callousness is not only acceptable, but considered the only right way to go about it. By all means, avoid living in areas where the subject is treated as something intensely private and personal, and considered to be in the context of a monogamous, committed relationship between two people. You would not want either your choices or you yourself to be seen as undesirable-- so when you boastfully refer to yourself, male or female, as a "slut," you'd be better off avoiding personal interactions with those who do not see this as a positive trait and will not take you up on your offer.

Treat the subject as a sport-- score as many as you can, with no emotion or connection involved, and grant every detail to your friends. You can be assured that if you take all of these tips to heart, the heart is one factor which will never be relevant.