How to Love Your Loved One with Alzheimer's

I recently learned that my grandmother had moved from senior dementia to Alzheimer's. I have read books, articles, poems, and opinion pieces by doctors and families affected by this disease. I have read the websites, listened to the support groups, and talked to counselors. It's crippling to feel helpless to stop the inevitable and to not be able to make it better for my mom and aunt who see their mother daily, but don't have a mother who realizes they are her daughters. I can't do anything about that, but I've discovered there are some things I can do.

What I have been able to do is think about the best way to love my grandmother, even if she doesn't seem to be the same person I've loved my whole life. The first step is simply realizing that she still is the same person. She is, and ever will be, the woman who taught me the beauty of flowers, where to hide peanut butter cups in the freezer so my grandfather wouldn't eat them while I was asleep, and the one who taught me a song to learn my phone number in case I ever got lost. She's still the woman who told me my marriage could take anything, as long as my husband and I kept each other at the center of it. And she's still the one who would rather get a puzzle than a knick-knack for her birthday gift.

Secondly, it's important to realize that Alzheimer's is a disease that manifests itself through someone's personality. That means that when she is mean, forgetful, nervous, or up in the middle of the night, it's not my grandmother's fault. I have every right to get frustrated, angry, or hurt by the Alzheimer's, but I have to do my best not to get frustrated, angry, or hurt by my grandmother. It's in our nature to rage against the machine, but it doesn't do any good. Accepting that, and differing between Alzheimer's and the victim of Alzheimer's is essential to loving your loved one through this time.

Lastly, support and education are key ingredients. Not only do you need to support your loved one as they go through this confusing and convoluted time, you need someone to love and support you through this time. Accept the hugs, the smiles, and the shoulders of those around you who want to be there. If you don't need them yet, you will. There are days that I juggle what seems to me to be the weight of the world, but because I've got my husband and some well chosen friends, I'm able to keep all the balls going. Also, reading, listening, and praying have helped educate me and better prepare me for this journey we will all be going down with my grandmother.

I make no claims to be happily anticipating the day when she doesn't recognize me, or the day she yells at me for no apparent reason. I know they are coming, though, and so I am able to treasure each day I have now. Every "I love you", every smile, every laugh and every photograph has become instantly more precious than it was before. They remind me of who my grandmother is, the woman I love and admire, and Alzheimer's can never take that away. I won't let it.

Loving your loved one through Alzheimer's will never be a piece of cake, a walk in the park, or even something you get through and look back on fondly. It is what you make it, though. Choose to love who they are, and not who the Alzheimer's lets you see. When you get upset, hate the disease and never your loved one. Lastly, embrace support and open yourself to education. This is an important relationship that you never want to let go of, and they will live in your heart if not in your life forever.