How Lying Hurts Relationships

Lying is part of life. Anyone who says they never lie is a liar. In fact researchers at UMass found that during a10 minute conversation, 60% of participants lied and told an average of two to three lies. So how does this affect your relationships?

Some would argue that in order to keep relationships running smoothly, lying is necessary. You're supposed to tell your girlfriend she doesn't look fat in that dress no matter how she really looks. However, that little white lie that you think is getting you out of a fight, might be hurting you more than it's helping.

Good relationships are built on trust and honesty. Loving someone means being able to trust them completely. The problem with lying in relationships, lets face it, is getting caught. What we don't know can't hurt us. But what we do know can irrevocably damage the trust in the relationship.

So lets use another little white lie as an example. Say you're going to lunch with an attractive female client and you tell your wife the client is male to avoid her getting jealous for no reason. That's not a problem, it's a harmless business lunch and you don't want it to lead to unnecessary tension. Now imagine you see your wife's friend at the restaurant, who then informs her that you were actually there with another woman. That doesn't look very good and in the end will cause more problems for you than you ever would have had before.

Even if it was nothing more than business, the seed of doubt has now been planted and for some people, there's no coming back from that. Now she might question everything you say and assume you're hiding something at every turn. You're not going to want to be in a relationship if someone is always accusing you of lying and no one wants to be in a relationship if they think they're being lied to.

And sometimes little white lies turn into big lies. The way children discover lying and use it more and more to their advantage. Lying can be habit-forming and can make you drift away from your partner. In fact, lying can make you resent your partner, even though you were the one who lied! When you lie to someone you love, even about something small, it can create a cognitive dissonance. This is a discrepancy between how you feel toward someone and how you act toward them. Since you can't take back the action, in order to rectify this dissonance, people will justify their actions by telling yourself they deserved it. This usually involves having to view your partner negatively. For example: "I had to lie to get out of going fishing with him because he would have gotten mad at me. He never does anything I want to do anyway. When was the last time he took me to dinner?"

The solution is to have open communication. No one is perfect and if you know this about yourself, it will make it easier for your partner to be honest with you. Lying, even when you think it'll make someone feel better, is unnecessary. If you truly love and trust someone, it doesn't matter if they give you an honest opinion about your new haircut.

In order to facilitate this, you should instill in your partner the idea that you trust them completely. Even if you don't like the idea of him going to the bar with his friends, you should thank him for letting you know that's what he was doing. This encourages more honesty in the future.

And if she gets mad if you tell her that dress doesn't look so great, let her know that you're just being honest with her but that you love her just the same. Even she can't appreciate the fact that you didn't give her a glowing compliment, she'll like that she can trust you.

Don't be afraid to tell him how much you really spent when you went shopping and don't be afraid to tell her that maybe she should try on a different dress.

Sources:

Nicole LaTourneau. UMass researcher finds most people lie in everyday conversation. Eurekalert.org