How to Maintain Your Cool When What You Really Want to Do is Smack Your Husband

I am sure we have all been there. There are times when you feel like you have an extra child and the grown one is getting on the very tiniest last thread of a nerve you have left. And the worst part is he should know better and be helping you. Instead though, he chooses to whine louder and make bigger messes than the kids could ever dream of making.

I have a handful of coping mechanisms for such occasions. And thought it would be nice to share them with you. Perhaps it will save some unsuspecting husband out there from getting a grilled cheese sandwich upside the head, or a glass of milk in the lap.

Generally I start off taking a deep breath and counting to ten. Thats what I was always told to do when I was young. This is of course a complete waste of time most of the time. It tends to do nothing for me. At least not where the husband is concerned. With the kids maybe, since they don't know any better yet. But not so much with him. But it does give me a few seconds to get my thoughts straight. Long enough to remind me that violence isn't the answer, and that young children absorb everything they see.

When that doesn't work, which it invariably won't, I calmly tell him that it would be wonderful if he would stop adding to the chaos, and possibly even give me a hand. This isn't going to work either. I can almost promise you that. But, hey, its worth a shot. Again, this is all about setting a good example for the children.

Usually I then move onto thinking about why I married him in the first place. Typically this will soften your heart a bit, and buy him some more time. Try to think of all of those wonderful little qualities you used to find so endearing. The very ones that are now likely making you want to hurl the dirty diaper he just refused to change at his head. You know, the charming smile, the ability to laugh in the face of adversity (thats you now, by the way), and the way he cracks jokes to try to make you laugh, even though now instead of making you smile, it makes you angrier. Keep in mind, men tend to be fairly simple. They go back to what works, not realizing that those enchanting little qualities become annoying with the addition of seeing them 24/7 and children.

When that doesn't work, joke back. When he asks if you poisoned his dinner, say sweetly "Of course not honey, the baby eats off your plate too." Or when he calls and says he decided he isn't going to come home, trying to get a reaction from you. Just say "Where should I send your things?" Sometimes these will get him to ease up on "being funny." With mine, not so much. But maybe you will have some luck.

If you are feeling particularly vindictive, sometimes it is therapeutic to "accidentally" dye his favorite white shirt pink in the laundry. And when he throws a tantrum, tell him you were in such a rush to get laundry done today, you didn't have time to make sure he put his things in the correct hamper, but you are so sorry. Most likely you won't even have to switch the shirt into another hamper. In fact, I envy you if the clothes made it to the hamper at all. In my house they tend to land wherever he was standing when he took that particular article of clothing off.

You can also let the baby slobber on his keys, or cell phone, or the remote control. Or better yet, how about the magazine that he left laying on the coffee table. You know, the one that isn't objectionable material, but still has a half naked woman on the front, so you would rather that it wasn't out if someone were to stop by, so you have asked him to please move it at least 47 times. And when he whines, you can just point out that the baby is getting a lot more active, and we should all be more diligent about keeping our belongings out of reach of tiny fingers.

When all else fails, I resort to something my grandma told me a long time ago. She said that since I tend to be a bit temper mental and hotheaded, that I should make myself pause and think of a nice way to say what is about to tumble out of my mouth when someone upsets me. Of course sometimes I sit there staring at my husband without a word to say. And he of course thinks that he was so brilliant that he left me speechless. So I suppose it all works out in th end. He gets an ego boost, even if he doesn't need it, and I don't say something I can't take back later.

Whatever method works for you, I wish you all the luck in keeping your cool when it comes to the biggest child in your house, aka your husband. And always remember, violence and nastiness doesn't solve anything, even if it makes you feel a little better, especially since the kids are most likely watching and making a mental note. So you are better off to bite your tongue and kill them with kindness.