How to Maintain a Relationship with Your Teen

Parents of 11 - and 12-year olds are in for a treat. Their once cheerful, affectionate child who liked to be read bedtime stories and to sit on Dad's lap while he combed his daughter's hair are about to come to an end. Once children reach the teen years, they not only undergo visible signs of change, but their personality alters too. It can be hard to still see signs of Little Freddy or Sarah in this tall, awkward looking teenager, who is teetering on adulthood, but not sure which direction it is in. The once polite, obedient child now answers back and chooses to not hear what they are being asked to do. Doors begin to slam. Moodiness sets in. How can parents continue to parent a teenager who thinks they have all the answers?

(1) Remember, you as the parent or guardian are still in charge.

Your teenager may suddenly resent being told what to do and rebel. But set boundaries and be consistent. Rules are generally not favoured by teenagers who feel their way is best. But they need to see the adult in the house sticking to their rules and not bending on issues of principle. For example, a history project is due tomorrow, but your teenager wants to go out with their friends until the small hours of the morning. They plead and beg to be allowed to go out. But their work is not complete. What is more important? Being the parent of a teenager will not earn you any popularity awards with them or perhaps even their friends. They will need to prioritize what is important in their lives and come to see that the "here and now" is not always important. Their friends will have to wait. They will still be there some other time. If you consistently insist on your teenager completing homework before going out then they will stop asking for their own way, because they know what you will say! It takes less energy to just get on with it than to sit there and argue about it for 30 minutes.

(2) Chores will be done.

Teenagers can be lovable and sweet, but some also like to avoid doing chores if something more interesting is in the offing. If there is a set routine that has been followed in the household for a while, then there is no reason why this should not continue. Your teenager's job is to feed the cat, do the dishes and mow the lawn. All of a sudden, the cat starts whimpering for some food, the dishes have not been cleaned, or put in the dishwasher, and the grass is turning into a jungle. It is best to address the issue before it gets to this point. Teenagers need to see how they contribute to the orderly running of the household, which will stand them in good stead later on as adults. If you get the rolling eyes and silent staring off into space response, then take heart. It might be useful to have a chart stuck on the fridge and then have your teenager mark off each chore as it is completed. If they receive payment for their duties, then do not pay for work that has not been done. Would you pay a mechanic who had not fixed your brakes? Teenagers often need lots of reminders to complete their chores, but with love and perseverance they can make this just another part of their routine, like getting up in the morning and going to school.

(3) Curfew or not?

Many parents have a set curfew for their teenagers, that they wish to have observed. Perhaps you do in your household too. If your teenager has a curfew, try to make sure that they abide by it. Get to know your son or daughter's friends and encourage good friendships. Do not feel afraid to bring up issues of teenagers who may pose a risk or bad influence. Test the water by inviting your son or daughter's friends round and let them spend time under your roof. That way, you can get to know what kind of friends they have, rather than just guessing and hoping for the best. "But Jimmy gets to stay out until 11:30pm", they may moan. Remember that you are not Jimmy's parents. Teenagers are adept at subtly implying that Jimmy's parents are cooler, more liberal and much greater fun than you are. Don't be fooled! Jimmy's parents have a different set of ideals and parenting techniques. Stick with what you do and do not allow other parents to unduly influence you just to please your teenager. Having a curfew is actually a sign that you care and your teen adhering to it shows that they respect you. As they get older, you will probably decide to extend the curfew.

(4) Keep the lines of communication open.

Have you noticed how much easier it often is to communicate with your pre-teen? You can sit and reason with them and they will listen to your instructions. But as your child grows into a teenager they will find it harder to accept this. Teenagers seem able to easily converse with their peers, either face to face, on the phone or over the Internet. Why do they exclude their parents or guardians? Do not take this personally. Your teenager is trying to make sense of who they are with others who are going through the same changes, struggles and problems as they are. So when they confide in their best friend before you, that should not be viewed as a personal insult. They want their own privacy and sharing every worry or growth spurt takes away that control that they have over their own life experiences. They are probably embarrassed too and would rather tell a peer than their parents about what is going on in their lives. Remember, that you can't possibly understand! You were never a teenager, were you?! Try to still keep the lines of communication open though. It will be made easier if you do not probe too deeply into private matters. Do not just clam up and keep quiet, just because your teen does. Ask them about their schoolwork, offer assistance with resolving problems with their friends and make sure they know you will listen to any of their problems. When they do confide in you, be careful not to interrupt and offer immediate solutions. Sometimes, all they need is a listening ear, not a lecture on how to solve the problem. If you jump right in, they may not open up to you so easily in future.

(5) Continue to be the parent/ guardian.

Your teenager needs to know they can rely on you as a solid, adult figure in their lives who will guide and support them through this time of change in their lives. So now is not the time to start dressing and acting like a teenager, in order to "connect" or be a part of your teenager's "crowd". They will probably not appreciate it and see this as a humiliation they will find hard to live down! Continue to be the stabilizing figure you have always been and your teen will thank you for it in years to come. So the way to maintain a good relationship with your teen really depends on your methods and their response. Realize that this is a time of transition. So if you are having problems now, know that they will make the transition and hopefully the end result will be a stable, polite member of society. Happy parenting!