How to Manage Rebellious Youths: Advice for Parents Coping with Unruly Teens

Ask almost any parent, they'll agree that children are the most challenging as toddlers, from age two to age four, and as teenagers. Interestingly enough these two developmental stages are quite similar. Toddlers and teenagers are both going through the process of testing boundaries and exerting their independence. I am neither a parent of teenagers or a behavioral therapist, and I am not a child development expert, so you may be asking what insight I could possibly have into the topic of raising and coping with rebellious teens. Well the answer is simple. Only a few short years ago I was a rebellious teenager. I am now a normal, contributing member of society. I have a career, a marriage, and two small children of my own, one of whom happens to be two years old so coping with him is in many ways similar to raising a teen. I am also closely observing my younger brothers as they pass through adolescence and my young sister in law and have taken a few classes in child development and psychology as well as doing some research and reading on my own. This observation and education, combined with my own past experiences gives me a unique insight on raising an unruly youth.

Now one thing I want to get out in the open right at the beginning is that just because a child makes bad decisions or behaves badly, does not mean that the child has bad parents. Quite the contrary. My mom and dad were excellent parents. I did not come from a high risk family. I did however fall under the influence of my peers, which is very often the case with teens. Also teenagers are not capable of assessing decisions based on long term consequences. They do not forgo behaviors because of the ultimate impact those behaviors will have on their life, but instead because of short term consequences, like loss of privileges. They simply aren't advanced enough in their cognitive development, so their decision making capability has little to do with your skill as a parent. So for those parents who are feeling guilty because they somehow think they're responsible for their teenage child's behavior, let me remind you that even the best parents have rebellious children. Even our heavenly father had to cast a third of his children out from his presence (kind of like an earthly parent kicking their kid out of the house), because they were rebellious.

My first advice to parents weathering these difficult struggles would be to never lower you expectations of your children based on their bad behavior. The second you do, they will take your surrender of your standards as acceptance of their poor choices. I have a friend who works with troubled youth, and his personal motto is "If you treat a person as what they are, they will stay that same person, but if you treat a person as what they could be, should be, or would be, they will become that bigger better person." I always knew what my parents expected, and even though I didn't often show it, it hurt and embarrassed me to know that the decisions I made disappointed them. Ultimately, the feeling of failure I had when I knew that I'd let down my mother and father became the chief reason for my eventual reform.

Second, when dealing with problem behavior in teens, nip it in the bud. Refusal to finish chores or coming in late for curfew in young adolescents will only escalate if left unchecked. Make sure you make it clear to your children what you expect of them and what the consequences will be if they do not meet those expectations, then always, always follow through. If your child has been grounded for breaking curfew or sneaking out, absolutely do not allow them a "one night pass" because of a school dance or because they have concert tickets. The only exception I would make to that rule is once in a lifetime opportunities. For example, if it's your child's senior prom, you wouldn't want to deprive them of that special experience. Now let me clarify, I mean if it's your child's own senior prom, not if they are a sophomore planning on attending the senior prom of another class. Remember, once in a lifetime experiences. If you choose to allow them to continue to participate in extracurricular activities such as sports or student council, make it clear that they are to come home immediately after their practice, meeting, or game, and if they are incapable of following this instruction, pick them up. If children know that you won't follow through in enforcing consequences, there is nothing to deter them from making poor decisions.

Remember most of the things you provide for your kids are privileges, not rights, from the privilege of using the car, right down to the privilege of having their own room. I want to emphasize especially that privacy is a privilege. Parents who have reason to suspect their children are engaging in unacceptable or high risk behaviors are perfectly justified in searching their kids' rooms or reading their text messages for example. Virtually everything your children feel they are entitled to is a privilege and not a right. The stereo in their room was probably purchased by you. The brand name clothing they wear was probably purchased by you. The game system they spend hours playing on was probably purchased by you. Children do not need to watch T.V., have their laundry done for them, or be allowed to have friends over. They can just as easily share a room with a younger sibling or wear clothing from a thrift store. These are all privileges, not rights. If your child says, "You can't make me," or "You can't stop me," they are exactly right. You can't. However you can stop allowing them the privileges that are earned by fulfilling expectations.

Don't engage in long discussions or rhetoric with your kids about why you expect certain things of them. It doesn't matter if they think it's unfair that you won't allow them to stay out past 7:00 PM on a school night, or if they think they should be allowed to dress immodestly because their friends do. Don't be drawn in to a heated argument over a mouthy comment your child made or a "why" discussion. Remember to stay positive and firm. Stay close to your kids. Ask them about their friends, how school is going, and especially what their plans are when they go out. The more you know about them the better off they are. If a story doesn't feel right to you, always check it out, not because you don't trust your children, but because if you're right that what they're telling you isn't completely true, it's your responsibility to protect them from their own poor choices. An excellent book to read on communicating with teenagers is The Power of Positive Parenting by Glenn L. Latham. My mother gave me this book to help me cope with my two year old, and I've found that it is immensely applicable to all ages. The book has some fantastic advice on raising healthy young adults. I've even thought that some of the techniques may be useful on my husband.

In addition to healthy communication there are a couple of basic rules that should be followed with teenagers. First and foremost NO SLEEPOVERS. I know this seems odd given that it's generally acceptable, but it really is in your child's best interests. First of all, many children who are victimized, are taken advantage of while staying overnight at the home of a friend. Also, from my own experience and observing my siblings, sleepovers are an opportunity for your child to engage in behavior they don't want you to be aware of, whether it's watching movies that wouldn't be acceptable in your home, or drinking in the home of a friend with more permissive parents. Many times when I said I was staying with a friend, their parents weren't home or I wasn't at that friend's home at all. Second, no granting later curfews over the telephone. It's far too easy for a teen who may be somewhere they shouldn't be (in a city two hours away instead of down the street at Johnny's house) or are in a condition they shouldn't be (under the influence of drugs or alcohol) to conceal these things over the phone.

In closing I would like to offer comfort to parents struggling with an unruly teenager. There is hope; there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. Do all you can to protect your children from themselves, and never stop believing in them. Someday they will make you proud.