How to Manipulate People: A Guide to Tricking Your Friends and Enemies

You see, I've already manipulated you into reading this article. Therefore, I have proven to you that I am a forward authority on this subject.

Tricking people into doing what you want them to do is much simpler than it may seem- all it takes is a general understanding of how people make their decisions. Most day-to-day things that the average person decides upon are mundane and unimportant. It is for this reason that those choices are usually made on a whim, that is, the end result could go one way or the other. Because you always want what is best for you, it is vital that you do everything you can to sway those everyday deliberations in your favor. You may be surprised to learn how much you can benefit just by changing one choice someone in your life makes; hell, it has worked wonders for me. You too can become a deceitful snake of a human being! Follow these five simple steps and you will be well on your way to reaping all of the perks of manipulating your friends and enemies.

Step 1: Gage the importance of the decision.

First you must decide whether or not you can feasibly make the decision for the person in question. You obviously aren't going to be able to trick a person into falling in love with you and having your children, but you can manipulate them into having sex with you! You will need to find out how important the decision is to the person that is making it in order to determine the weight you can have in their choice. Remember, the smaller the decision, the more likely that you can change the outcome to benefit you.

Example: Bill wants to take his wife to a movie. Bill wants to see the new James Bond movie; his wife wants to see some boring chick flick. Since the decision is unimportant in the big swing of things, his wife should easily be able to dupe Bill into seeing the chick flick.

Step 2: Sympathize with the person.

Show sympathy towards the person making the decision. If you can trick them into thinking that you feel for them, and that part of you agrees with the choice they are leaning towards, the simpler it will be for you to pull the chair out from under them and get your way. At this point in the process, friendliness is key. Make small talk, and be sure to tell them exactly what they want to hear. Compliments never hurt, especially if they are specific and not your run-of-the-mill: "You are beautiful" or "You are smart."

Example: Jose (we need to be politically correct and use names from all ethnicities) doesn't want to break up with his girlfriend. As Jose's best friend, you know what a lying, cheating whore his girlfriend is, so you want him to break it off. First you need to let Jose know that you understand his feelings for her (although you definitely don't) and you need to tell him things like "You two had a good run," and "Jose, I've always appreciated your level-headedness and ability to know when you're being manipulated." Clearly, however, Jose doesn't know when he's being manipulated, because he's about to break up with his girlfriend against his will.

Step 3: Tell the person a convincing lie.

At this juncture, you need to start tilting the scales in your direction. Now that you've softened the person's resolve by massaging their ego, you can sneak in a terrible lie run under nose and they will never expect it. This lie will become the basis for the rest of your argument, so make sure it is a good one. If somehow the person realizes they are being lied to and they call you out, return to step two and cover your ass with more lies.

Example: Katie really likes The Dixie Chicks, but you know that they are a bunch of flag-waving-femi-nazi hippies. You already told Katie how smart she was and what good tastes she has in music, and now you have to tell her why she shouldn't like the Dixie Chicks. "On To Catch a Predator last night I saw that girl from the Dixie Chicks try to set up a date with an eleven year old girl," you tell Katie. "No way!" she exclaims. "Yes way, and they support terrorists with their record sales and they really really like Don Imus." That should about do it.

Step 4: Break the person's will.

This is the most important step in the process. It is here that you have to make the person insecure about themselves in order to make your opinion stand above the one that they hold. When this step is completed, the person should be questioning the way he looks, acts, smells, and especially the validity of his opinions. It often helps to criticize your victim's weakest physical or mental attribute, and in doing so you will distract them from the issue at hand and put their mind in another place while you swoop in for the kill.

Example: Nick doesn't like playing basketball, but you have only 5 people so you need one more to play 3-on-3. Nick makes it clear that he will not play, and he has other things to do. After executing the first three steps in the manipulative process, you set him up big time for step four. "Nick, have you noticed how much weight you've gained lately? Seriously dude, you need the exercise. Get your fat / porky / chunky / pimply ass up here." Before Nick realizes what he is doing, he will be thinking about the stretch marks under his man boobs and he will be in his car on the way to the basketball court.

Step 5: Replace the old opinion with one of your choosing.

This is the easiest step. The person is now a shell of a man, a proverbial tabula rasa (blank slate), if you will. Decide what you want or need the person to do for you or think for you, and fire that opinion at them. Since their mind is now occupied with other things, they will accept your opinion as canon.

Example: Melissa is dumbfounded because you just reminded her of the "9" she scored on the ACT. Tell her that sometimes sex is the best thing to keep her mind off of bad things like that, and slowly remove her shirt. It helps to add another compliment here, just to affirm the lie that you only want what is best for them.

Enjoy!

Congratulations! You have successfully changed someone's mind and altered the course of human history! Now you can sit back with a wide grin as the person robotically executes your every command.

*One word of caution, however- as you become better and better at duping your fellow man, you will begin to think that any decision is within your realm of capability to change. This is not exactly true. Be careful not to overestimate your mind-control ability, or you will be facing charges like rape, grand theft, and accomplice to a murder.