How Men and Women Communicate: "Does This Make Me Look Fat?"

How do men communicate with women? One of the strangest phenomena I've witnessed in my time dating various women is something I like to describe as the "call out".

While I am no expert, I feel as if this phenomena is real and needs to be explored. I am what many consider to be a ladies' man, although I am not the most handsome guy in town, I know how to talk to women.

What I refer to as the "call out" is a typical scenario in popular psychology and relationship advice. It is an idea which is as old as the battle of the sexes. To begin, we have to start with the awful generalizations that pervade modern relationship culture.

Accepted "facts": Women tend to think emotionally (in general) and communicate in the same way. Men tend to think logically (in general) and communicate logically.

While I believe that these two ideas are too simplistic, they hold value insomuch that we can describe complex human interactions.

Everyone has heard the clichés "Men never communicate" and "All women are crazy." I think that these two ideas describe something that occurs when men and women fail to communicate. I'll illustrate the point with a few real-life scenarios.

I was speaking with my friend Linda and she said:

"I can't seem to get my hair right today."

In an instant, I was taken with the urge to say something manly. My mind ran through a list of possibilities.

"Your hair looks fine."

"You're just having a bad hair day."

"Maybe you should try a new conditioner. What do you usually use?"

"I don't really care about your hair. Do you have anything interesting to say?"

Immediately, I stopped this train of thought and asked myself: "What is she really saying to me?"

As my mind went through the list and settled on the appropriate answer, I realized that this type of communication occurs with women and men and we do not even realize the subtly of language. I shook off my initial macho discomfort, and replied:

"I know what that's like. Maybe your hair will feel normal soon."

She immediately smiled, realizing that I had caught on to what she said.

When men communicate in the same fashion, they usually respond with strategy or advice. If a male friend of mine says "I can't seem to get my jump shot down", the expected reply to this statement is: "Keep your posture correct and you'll work it out."

When men talk, we (generally) have no underlying emotional statement behind what we are saying. We're a product of nature and nurture, emotional dialogue is not something that comes natural for most men. When we talk, we expect people to call a spade a spade.

What Linda was saying when she made the statement "I can't seem to get my hair right today" was this: "I have bad feelings and emotions about my hair at the moment."

Females reading this article might recognize this scenario instantly. The men reading this article should learn this important rule: When women talk, it may be simply to emote.

Take for instance the contemporary: "Does this dress make me look fat?" We can break down the communication into logic and emotion.

Logically: "I need advice about body size and the visual effect of this dress".

Emotionally: "I feel unattractive and indecisive at the moment. I want to express these feelings to you and I want you to care."

An inexperienced man might only see the surface logic and run into trouble.

My tactical advice for men is simple. While I am no relationship expert, these key phrases have worked for me in the past. I know what works for me; you may have ideas of your own that work for you. Here are my suggestions:

CHANGE HOW SHE FEELS

"Does this dress make me look fat?"

"Mmm, I like the way that dress looks on you right now, babe. Keep posing like that."

Then, grab your wife or girlfriend and kiss her passionately, macho-style. Give her physical contact. (If it feels right, make love right there.)

If she asks you again, look her deep in the eyes, say "What would it be like to make love right now...?" She might not be interested in sex at that moment, but it's far better to have her angry at you rather than her dress. She may associate the dress with your sexual advances and think that the dress has aphrodisiac qualities.

She will most likely exit her emotional state in a few moments, and you have made her "feel" something other than self-consciousness.

You can accomplish the same result by being playful, farting, or engaging her emotions in a new direction.

FEEL HOW SHE FEELS

"Does this dress make me look fat?"

"I know how that is. I feel fat in my clothing sometimes, too. But I know it's mostly just a feeling in my head. The more I think about it, the more I realize I have other things to think about."

Again, the point is to get in touch with her emotional state. These ideas may be counter-intuitive. However, think of it like baseball: She's throwing you a change-up, not a fast ball. How are you going to hit it?

Another option is to play her personal fashion advisor.

Helping the woman choose a dress might be a good answer. I think that this can safely field the question sometimes, but it depends largely on your own fashion sense. If you can choose your girlfriend's dress and still feel like a man, I salute you.

"Does this dress make me look fat?"

"Hmm, it's from last season. Maybe try the brown one."

"What do you think?"

"I like the tassels. What store is it from? You know I think we need to take you shopping soon."

"Really?"

"Yeah, let's go out this weekend."

DO NOT ANSWER LOGICALLY

In my honest opinion, the wrong answers are most likely one of the following (any man who has been in a relationship should recognize these patterns):

"Does this dress make me look fat?"

"No, honey, you look beautiful."

"Really."

"Yes."

"I look fat, don't I?"

"No, honey."

In this situation, she thinks that you are just saying "No" because you are spitting out fluff talk. She is angry that you are not listening well enough.

Likewise with the following scenario:

"Does this dress make me look fat?"

"Yes!"

"Oh my goodness, you think I'm fat!"

"No, I was just kidding!"

"I'm fat! My own boyfriend thinks I'm fat! How long have you thought that?"

She responds with outrage because you have answered logically. She might not care if she looks fat or not, she wants to hear what you have to say. If you respond with "Yes", you are confirming her emotional suspicion. Even if you were kidding, it opens up a can of worms.

Avoiding or ignoring this question may seem like a safe bet. In my experience, it will only cause the issue to be brought up again, nor will it improve your situation.

"Does this dress make me look fat?"

"(silence)"

"Well, does it?"

"(silence)"

"Oh my goodness, you think I'm fat, that's why you won't answer!"

Another poor choice is to change the subject. This will just lead to further frustration.

"Does this dress make me look fat?"

"Hey, look at what is on TV."

"Why are you trying to distract me?"

Then there's the issue of hesitation. If your voice warbles, or if you do not have conviction in what you're speaking, the effect of anything you say will not work.

"Does this dress make me look fat?"

"I-I-"

"Why did you hesitate right then?"

"I was thinking of something to say."

"You think I'm fat and you were just trying not to hurt my feelings!"

There are many other instances where this kind of male-female miscommunication occurs. This can be a large source of conflict in many couples, if not the general reason why people break-up.

CONCLUSIONS

Men need to keep their ears peeled when dealing with women. Understand that there is a great deal of communication that women are trying to express. Listen between the lines. Don't be weak and give up on understanding. What women want is to be understood.

Plus, as you may already know, women who can communicate and feel safe in their inter-personal relationships will have better sex and longer, more intense orgasms because of the emotions that they feel. Emotional ecstasy and physical ecstasy occur simultaneously when women have loving, satisfying sex.

Secondly, the conviction with which men speak determines how females respond. If you have a convincing tone of voice and demeanor, you can pretty much convince anyone of anything.

My advice to women is simple. Give your man a "warning sign" that you are communicating in a way that you want him to listen. Whisper in his ear. Talk to him without distractions. Think of it as an opportunity to teach him a new skill. It's much better than sitting around, wondering how to communicate with your man.