How Moms Can Bond with Their Boys

When my son was a toddler, bonding with him was easy. We cuddled up on the couch, we watched Blue's Clues, I let him win every game of Candyland or Break The Ice, and we shared a dessert before stories and bedtime. I had no idea how lucky I was then. Nearly four years later, my son is a budding little man. He likes Karate, thinks he likes girls, and, despite my best efforts, thinks bodily functions are the height of Kindergarten comedy. He used to tell me everything; his favorite answer to any question is now "I don't know". I fear for the future - I thought they weren't supposed to do this for years. So, how can a mom stay close to her little boy when he wants to be a big man? Here are a few tips that have worked for me.

1. Think Like A Kid Again.

After a long day of doing big, boring adult things, like paying bills and meeting unrealistic deadlines, putting yourself in your child's shoes can be a big challenge. Remember when your primary motivation in life was just having fun? When you thought your parents were dreadfully dull and boring? When you get home, try leaving the adult stuff at the door, just for a little while. My son loves it when I come in the door and get the Play-Doh out. Or, I tell him I can swing higher than him on the play set, which always leads to a competition.

2. Be Spontaneous.

This can be a really hard one for moms who like to have their days planned in advance. Unfortunately, what you have planned may not be what your son needs from you. Did he have a really hard day at school? He may need an impromptu trip to the park. Is he feeling lonely? He may just need some one-on-one time with you. One thing our children teach us is not to think too rigidly. Being aware of your child's immediate needs is very important to a healthy relationship.

3. Don't Be Afraid of a Little Dirt

... or water, or sand, or mud, or paint. Boys love to cut loose and make a big mess, which usually makes moms cringe, and for good reason. It can mean extra baths, extra laundry, extra scrubbing to get that marker off of his face. But if you really want to see your boy beam, try joining in sometime. This goes against all of our mom instincts, but it can also be pretty liberating. Like getting in a no-holds-barred water fight during bath time. Or helping him dump a bottle of dish soap on the slip and slide and then taking turns. Or drawing pictures on each other's arms and faces with washable marker. It's not something we do every day (or even every week), but when we do, it lets him know that we care enough to throw everything to the wind and focus on him for a while.

4. Get Physical

Everyone expresses love and friendship differently. Some people are very vocal, and others are very physical. My son, and most boys that I've worked with, express love physically more than otherwise - through stealth kisses, bear hugs, unexpected tackles. So, when my son "speaks" to me that way, I speak back. I chase him around the house, up the stairs; we play hide-and-seek, or tag. He giggles with delight, and it usually improves his behavior considerably. I'm trying to get in better shape because, frankly, I have trouble keeping up!

5. Learn A New Way To Listen

One day, I realized that my son had become incapable of answering a direct question with a direct answer. His toddler frankness (i.e. "Mommy, why is that woman so fat?") was gone. If something is making him sad, I had (and sometimes still have) trouble finding out from him exactly what it is. So, I spend extra time with him at bedtime when tucking him in, and let him talk. Sometimes boys that think they're big will open up more to their mommies when they're sleepy. We also do role-playing, though if you do, be prepared for the fact that you may discover things you don't like. For instance, my son will sometimes play "school", where I will play him and he will play his teacher. He then treats me exactly the same way his teachers and playmates treat him. I found out, for instance, that he was very hurt because the teacher was regularly making him sit in another portion of the classroom away from his friends. Regardless of the reason, I hadn't been told, and it was negatively affecting the way he felt about school.

The reason I wrote this article is this: when I have searched for resources in the past on how to connect with your boys (not just raise them) I have not had much luck. Today's world is a difficult place for a child to grow up, and a confusing place for a young boy. My son and I were best friends once. Even if my baby is growing up, I still want him to know on every level that I am there for him, regardless of circumstance. And I want him to trust me. As I used to say to him every night when I tucked him in, I love him to the moon and back, and I always will.