How to Get Your Money's Worth Out of a Buffet Lunch

I remember being fascinated as a kid by swimmers who could hold their breath for a long time. I would watch them swim and swim without ever taking a breath and wonder how the heck they did it. Then I heard a tip about "expanding your lungs" by doing quick deep-breathing exercises just prior to taking in the one big breath, and voila! Your swim can be extended due to your very full lungs.

As I grew older and started loving food more and more, I started to get irritated at my stomach's inability to match my eyes (you know, "Your eyes are bigger than your stomach"). If I want to eat 12 plates of food because it tastes so damned good, why can't my wussy stomach take it? Obviously the answer lies in the ability to train the stomach correctly, just as a swimmer trains their lungs.

So -- just for you, my loyal readers -- I will share the secrets to getting your money's worth out of that buffet lunch. You know the buffet I'm talking about, the one where you always find yourself saying, "Oh my, I'm completely stuffed! I can't possibly go up there for another plate of food, nevermind get anything from the dessert table!" as you sit back in your chair with your hand resting on your belly, and secretly wishing you could unbutton your pants and unzip your fly for more digestion room.

The numero uno trick to a good time at a buffet starts with a good plan. If someone invites you to a buffet spur-of-the-moment and all spontaneous like, you must laugh in their face. (Unless it's a salad buffet, which isn't a real buffet anyway.) In terms of a legitimate buffet, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Here are the details of the preparation that will be required:

1. The night before the planned buffet adventure, you must stuff your face to its full capacity. Once you're so full you think you will explode, walk around the block and then eat some more.

2. The morning of the Big Day, eat a light breakfast high in carbohydrates and very high in sugar. I'd suggest a bagel with a donut chaser.

3. There is to be NO SNACKING after this breakfast and before THE EVENT.

4. If Buffet Time is looming and your stomach is not yet growling so loudly that Germany is complaining, feign a sudden quick illness that requires a "quick" trip to the restroom where you will jog-in-place in the stall for approximately as long as it takes for Germany to start complaining.

5. When you finally emerge from the restroom, joke about how you've now made plenty of room for lunch. This will quickly put everyone in the mood to eat.

Ok, you've planned for your big day and you've prepared. You are ready. You can do this! Now that the time has arrived, there are some other tips and tricks that can help with your successful eating extravaganza:

1. On your first approach to the buffet line, it's extremely important to remember your goals here. Your goal is to get your money's worth, in addition to satiating your hunger. Just remember that you're paying $6.95 or so for this all-you-can-eat happy time, so don't waste your appetite on the tasty-looking "fluff" that all buffets offer. I'm talking about the starches, of course. The potatoes and rice and bread all look SO YUMMY you just want to gobble it all up. BUT DON'T! Take a spoonful or so of your favorite starch, but make sure to fill up most of your plate with small samplings of all the different meat entrées. The purpose of this is to find out which one (or two) you like best.

2. Once you find your very favorite(s), on your second approach focus on them alone. This way your appetite isn't already half-asleep from stuff you didn't really like, or worse -- from eating a heaping plateful of rice/potatoes and buttered bread or rolls!

3. If your favorite entrée is also everyone else's favorite entrée, don't worry about it because all your table-mates will already be stuffed from the stupid salad they ate and the big plate of rice and bread they got.

4. When everyone watches you in awe as you go back and forth to the buffet table, just know that they are truly jealous. Not everyone can be a thinker like you are. As you're eating your second helping of dessert, say things like, "Oh my God! This is the most incredible-tasting [enter name of food here] I've ever had in my entire life! I'm so sorry you guys are all so full and can't enjoy this too! It's too bad you spent your $6.95 for a slice of bread and a plate of salad..."

YOU'LL be the smart one... The one who got their money's worth out of that $6.95 all-you-can-eat buffet. YOU SHOWED THEM! Now, sit back and unbutton your pants. You deserve it.

(This post is sponsored by Golden Corral. [Not really, I'm just hungry for it.] On a related note, should fat people be banned from all-you-can-eat buffets? It seems to me there are plenty of skinny people who go to buffets and eat less than would satisfy a bird. I'm sure it all evens out in the end.)