How My Mother's Death Exacerbated My OCD Symptoms

There was a definite connection between my OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and my mother's death. Three years after my mother's death I was diagnosed as having OCD, but it took me approximately another fours years after that to finally agree and accept the diagnosis. I think eventually being told that stress is what brings out the disorder is what finally convinced me. I knew that OCD is a biochemical brain imbalance - a lack of seratonin, and I wondered why the symptoms never appeared before. I was always very neat, but it wasn't life inhibiting. I seriously thought all of my symptoms were Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as a result of losing my mother. I still feel that after my mother's death, for quite some time I did suffer with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder too.

My mother raised me to feel that everything in the world is always supposed to go okay...life is supposed to be fair, etc., etc. and she protected me very much. Now death happened and that wasn't okay. And it was my mother who died - my friend, the person I always lived with, my companion, my protector. As with any loss, afterwards a person usually feels alone and afraid, but I was devastated by my loss. I found that the negative feeling of being left alone, appeared over and over again and it brought back up my fear of abandonment. It then became a constant fear that someone would leave me, or that I had done something to push someone away. Our mind can be our worse enemy. Afterwards on my own, I had taken all that and reversed and transferred it further, to feeling and fearing, that everyone, and everything is going to hurt, or contaminate me, i.e. OCD. Everything and everyone became something, or someone I feared. I no longer lived life as a whole; I feared life. Now I was trapped inside my own home. It became somewhat of my own safe haven and I feared leaving it by myself without a protector. My fears and inhibitions were destroying me and those very close to me. Thank goodness I was (am) the type of person who realized the severe problems my behaviors were causing and I looked for professional help.

How do we overcome our fears?

Desensitization is the way to overcome our fears, and as I carried with me the strength and encouragement of my therapists, I chose to do it on my own and at my own pace, when I felt that I was ready, in each given situation. For the most part, both of my therapists had given me this option also, although we once worked on taking a tissue from the tissue box, in both their offices. I feel I rather pick the time when I am ready, so as not to put myself in anymore additional fears, and I don't want to be forced into doing something, that I'm not ready to do. A part of having OCD is making sure everything goes okay(what is okay to me), and if I'm forced to do something, without feeling in control, I will have a setback and my OCD will get worse. I always say, "When a person is ready, they will...." I know that overcoming my fears is a major breakthrough from my OCD, because as I improve, I often say, "I feel braver".

Anyone who experiences fears is not alone and there is help out there. If you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - OCD, based on my own experience, I feel it is important to choose a psychotherapist who specializes in OCD. Specialists know specifically how to help with the disorder and you will improve faster than if you saw a general psychotherapist, or counselor.

Stay brave and enjoy the freedom.

I have and continue to do so.