How Mushrooms Grow: The Unpsychedelic Truth About 'Shroom Growth

A mushroom is actually just the fruit of a bigger organism: a fungus. Fungi are neither plants nor animals, but fall somewhere in between. Surprisingly, fungi are more like animal than plant because of the way they feed. Much like creatures, fungi feed on other organisms to stay alive. They cannot produce their own food, and do not photosynthesize to survive. Within the kingdom of fungi, there are three separate types: parasitic, saprophytic, and mycorrhizal. Parasitic fungi--like ticks, mosquitoes, zombies, generational welfare families, and other parasites--feed on living organisms; saprophytic fungi (cannibals, transubstantiationists, the porn industry) feed on dead and decaying matter; and lastly, mycorrhizal fungi form symbiotic relationships with other organisms.

Mushrooms as we think of them are actually extensions of the true fungi, known as mycelium. This network of underground filaments is responsible for the production of 'shrooms, but its main function is to search for nutrients to support the fungus. As the mycelium spreads farther and farther out to find more nutrients, we begin to see mushrooms in patches. Sometimes, a network of mycelium gets so big it forms a partial ring; the bigger the ring, the bigger the potential patch of 'shroomies! Rings of this nature are called fairy rings (exceedingly popular with Goth kiddies and pagans) and appear most often in humid climates immediately following a rain. To be clear, however, mycelium is a surprisingly fickle mistress; conditions must be absolutely ideal for the fungi to survive, and even more ideal for it to thrive and produce mushrooms.

The growth and production of mushrooms is one of the most intriguing things about them. In many ways, they are similar to an erection: when the main organism (the mycelium) is "happy" the mushrooms engorge. As little as one to two days after a good solid rain mushrooms begin to grow and, amazingly, reach their full size within several more days. Considering the length of time it takes for an animal or even the fastest growing plant to go from birth to adulthood, this is quite an amazing feat. Even more amazing is the rapidity with which mushrooms disappear (hours, literally!) in the absence of water or the presence of too much heat. In essence, mushrooms are like Snake, the hero from the video game series Metal Gear Solid: here and gone before you know it; stealthy.

There are basically two reasons mushrooms are able grow so fast. Firstly, since they store up nutrients between fruiting and can only fruit after a rain, they have a lot of reserve available to support the mushroom's growth. (I'll leave the sexual puns to the imagination of the reader on that one.) Secondly, mushrooms develop differently than plants and animals. Plants and animals grow through cell division: to get bigger they have to produce more cells. Cell division is relatively slow and requires a lot of energy. Mushrooms grow instead through cell enlargement. Just about as soon as it starts to develop, a pinhead, or a baby mushroom, has almost the same number of cells that the mature mushroom will also have. Very little energy is required for growth because the cells basically just engorge with water. Hence, of course, the comparison to a phallus.

When a mushroom does finally reach its full growth potential, it can typically be broken into five main parts. (Bobbitt, anyone?) The top umbrella-like part is called the cap. The cap shelters the underside of the mushroom that contains the gills, which are much like those of a fish. These gills, however, form a ring around the stalk (the round skinny part of the mushroom that holds up the cap) and are coated with dust-like particles called spores. The spores fall from the gills on the underside of the cap and are then carried by wind or other elements to a new location where they may eventually form a new fungi. Spores can remain dormant for years at a time until conditions are right for them to start forming mycelium which, of course, is the most integral part of both the fungi and the mushroom. Mushrooms are an extremely interesting organism, even without the bad puns, social commentary, and adolescent XXX humor. Part of their intrigue, however, hinges on the unmitigated strangeness of their nature. Whether your next indulgement of 'shrooms be sauteed or psychedelic, I hope you've developed a new fondness and appreciation for fungus.