How Nagging Damages a Marriage and What to Do About It

Nagging is a combination of criticism, complaining, fussing, scolding, fault finding and repetitive requests that are presented in an unpleasant manner. In her book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (HarperCollins, 2004), Dr. Laura Schlessinger describes some of the common problems that arise from nagging, as well as ways to change this negative behavior pattern.

How Do Husbands Perceive Nagging

Men don't like it when their wives nag. A man would prefer his wife to state the problem without resorting to whining, complaining and other off-putting behaviors.

Nagging comes across as demeaning when a wife resorts to belittling her husband. She may do this to try and provoke some action but it comes across in an extremely negative manner. Although frustration may result from jobs left undone, it is never helpful for her to make fun of her man.

Nagging is more than just the words. It is also the tone of voice, the attitude and the physical posture as the message is delivered. Husbands tend to withdraw, more because of the nagging than what they are being asked to do.

What Do Wives Nag About

Every marriage is different but nagging is often about household chores and personal behavior. While some nagging may be directed at jobs that need to be done, some of it involves perfectionist standards that husbands cannot seem to aspire to. Here are some common areas of nagging to consider:

• Household chores that are not done in the required manner
• Toilet rolls hung the wrong way
• Driving habits
• Clothing left on floor
• Personal hygiene
• Lateness

Dr. Schlessinger says that some men give up trying to please their wives, as when they do help around the house, it is never good enough.

How Can Wives Reduce Their Nagging

Husbands need appreciation from their wives and this is a far greater motivator than nagging. Men are doers and protectors by nature and love to be treated as heroes and rescuers. If they are rewarded with a kiss and a hug for taking out the garbage - even if it is two hours after being asked - they will respond much more favorably to future requests.

Marriage is a give-and-take affair and wives must learn to be happy with what their husbands do. If he cleans the toilet and it is clean but not sparkling, nagging is unkind and unnecessary. If the lawn is cut but the garage hasn't been cleaned, thank him for what he has done.

Nagging is a common fault in women but with effort it can be overcome. A woman who treats her husband with respect and love and is thankful for what he does around the house will generally find he is much more willing to help her in the ways she needs. Nagging is destructive in marriage and it is important to deal with it as soon as it is recognized