How to Name Your Baby

Deciding to have a child is not as big a step as many people make it out to be. It's deciding what to name the kids that's so damn infuriating. Here are a few tips and suggestions to help get you started:

An Imperative Command.

Children are most assuredly a pain in the neck. Perhaps, parents would find it of use to give their child some type of innate direction. Stop would be a worthy start-with an increase in inflection turning this unique name into the command parents the world over know and love. Some other suggestions include: Sit, Slow, Hey, Whatchadoin, Getoverherethisminute, and Down. Note: Imperative command naming works best with twins-i.e. Slow and Down; Hey and Getoverherethisminute.

Importance:

Perhaps, for you, direction is not the most important factor for a child's name. What about importance? Surely, having an important name is of importance. My suggestion: Washington. There is positively no more important place than Washington and, as such, things associated with Washington take on a preponderance of significance. Imagine a parent-teacher conference where your son or daughter's instructor relays to you the report from Washington. And won't other children treat your child with respect, obeying any and all orders from Washington? Again, imagine:

-Where did you put that letter, dear?

-I sent it off toWashington.

Adjectives:

Perhaps importance is not so important after all. Adjectives provide some well-needed typecasting for your up and coming youngster. Granting a child the moniker of, say, Witty or Roguishly-Handsome would hopefully encourage in the child such character traits. For example: Witty would also be saying some witty. He/She wouldn't be able to help themselves; it's just who they are. And, even in the unlikely event that the kid strayed from his or her namesake, people would still come to associate your child with a commendable characteristic. Adjectives also provide a unique opportunity to combine typecasting with importance. A child named Important would find the world to be his or her oyster.

-Who is this guy?

-He's Important.

However, with adjectives, remember to keep them light and well-respected; otherwise mishaps could occur:

-Who is this guy?

-Oh, he's Disgusting.

Use discretion, that's all. Don't let your imagination run away with this one.

Occupation:

A true heads-up in life would result from a pre-picked occupation of esteem and respect. In this vein, a name like General or Doctor or Sultan, might grant your child a significant edge over the neighborhood's old roster of names like Billy or Meredith or Jonathan. That's not to say that your offspring need become what their namesake suggests. The confusion is really what's important here. Getting people to reactively respect your children is more the goal here than any sort of arranged-career. And I think that a name like Mayor or Explorer might very well do the trick. Play around with this one. Which occupations do you respect and feel renowned? Note: Try not to go overboard with this idea. Some people might react negatively to, say, the name President or Queen or Emperor. Think about your audience.

In the end, what parents should strive for in a baby name is not some quirky concept or act of confusion-but a unique moniker that will provide a sense of identity and strength to their offspring. Family and religious names are popular for just this reason. Ultimately, my advice is not to name your child a mocking title, but for parents to think outside the box of accepted names to create a sound and word as unique as the child itself. This is a tough feat, and therefore one to which I can lend incredibly limited help. Still, thinking about the meaning of a name is the goal. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm expecting a call from Washington.