How to Navigate Wal-Mart - Tips from a Big-Box Addict

Cheap stuff, one-stop shopping, fun mullet-haired people to laugh at - the king of all big-boxes is like paradise for me, a girl on a budget.

Problem is, it's always crowded.

Whether it's senior citizens clogging the aisles with their walkers during the day-time or weird, pseudo-homeless people roaming through Housewares at night, people are constantly flocking to the store. And shopping there on a weekend? Forget about it.

Years of hitting the store for bargains, though, have made me a semi-expert on getting in, getting what I want and getting out - with only a brief pause to gawk at someone's dandruff-coated shirt.

Here, my advice on navigating Wal-Mart hassle-free:

1. Avoid driving by the front entrance at all costs.

I've visited Wal-Marts across the country, from Oklahoma City to San Diego, and have found there are usually two parking lot entrances. Skip the route that will take you through the crosswalks leading from the parking lot to the store entrance. You'll inevitably be stuck for hours waiting for herds of slow, obese, disabled and/or elderly people to cross.

Instead, opt for the route that winds around the back side of the parking lot - it may seem inconvenient, but it's really not, considering you should....

2. Park at the very back of the parking lot.

Yes, it's far. But, let's face it. Unless you've got a handicapped sticker, you're not going to get a spot near the front. You'll spend a lot of time and waste a lot of gas looking for a spot, and - when you do find one - you'll be cut out by a lady in a mini-van that's circus-clown-style packed with little kids.

Save yourself the hassle and park far away from the other cars. You'll end up less stressed; you'll get a little exercise. And you'll also save your car from getting dinged up by the guy in the primer-coated El Camino, who will inevitably park next to you, slamming his door into your car when he gets out.

Bonus: You get to walk by all the people still looking for a front parking spot and smirk.

3. Put on your blinders.

I know I said the freak show at Wal-Mart is half the fun, but save that for another, purely recreational visit. Grab your cart and march through the store, trying not to look at anyone else.

The minute you make eye contact with the wrong person is the moment they'll start talking to you - usually about irrelevant things like bunions, the Insane Clown Posse or their extreme love for Garth Brooks - and then you're doomed.

4. Avoid the grocery aisles. Ditto the toy section.

Unless you absolutely have to buy food at Wal-Mart, don't. I'm mainly against it because I once saw a bird pecking at a box of pancake mix there, and food stores harboring wildlife - especially that I can see - just don't really appeal to me.

But I'm apparently alone in my beliefs, as 90 percent of Wal-Mart's crowd seems to flock to the food - so my decision to skip their groceries is also time-related. I can drive five extra blocks to a Safeway up the street, shop, go home and put away all my groceries in the same amount of time it would take to maneuver through Wal-Mart's produce section. Enough said.

And don't even think about the toy aisle. Wal-Mart parents seem to think of the section as a perfectly good substitute for a babysitter or - in the summer - school, and have no qualms about leaving sugar-addled kiddos alone there for hours.

If you enjoy getting beaned in the head with inflatable balls or roared at by something in a mask, by all means, go there. Otherwise, avoid it at all costs.

5. Finally, skip the first "Express" lane.

You've made it to checkout and there are only five people in line at the first Express lane - you lucked out, right? Wrong.

Most Wal-Marts do all of their cigarette sales out of the first so-called "Express" lane. You'll end up waiting for hours to purchase your White-Out and make-up
while the clerk digs out cases of Marlboros and chats it up with nicotine-deprived shoppers.

You won't even be able to gripe to your line neighbors, because they'll be occupied with more important matters, like hacking up their lungs and spraying the mucus on your purchases.

If you see a glass display case filled with cigarettes behind the lane you're about to pull your cart into, keep going. It'll save you valuable time as well as a couple of Lysol disinfecting wipes when you get home.