How Not to Carve a Pumpkin: Halloween Humor

This article is meant to be funny. In no way should you follow these instructions. Just a humor piece about the don'ts of Halloween pumpkin carving. Enjoy, thank you for reading and happy Halloween!

1. Find the biggest pumpkin to be found. Well, this can be expensive. It also can be quite messy, when you get down to the task. More pumpkin means more mess. Remember this. While a huge pumpkin may be attractive to you, it will show off your pumpkin carving skills. If you have none, this can be a major problem. Think carefully about that. A huge lopsidedly carved pumpkin brings laughs, not fear. Just saying.

2. Spread newspapers over the area that you intend to carve the pumpkin on. The bigger the pumpkin, the more newspapers. Also, be sure and remove the family dog from the area, before attempting pumpkin carving. Your dog may revert back to their puppy toilet training days. You never know. If you paper trained your dog, look out. Get the dog out, now! You have been warned. What a mess. You do not want to go there.

3. Get out the biggest and sharpest knife you own. Um, maybe not. Consider your knife wielding skills. Can you really handle that knife? Think about it. Meanwhile, get out a black marker and draw the pumpkin's face on the pumpkin. This should consist of two rectangled shaped eyes, a rectangle shaped nose and a wide grin. The toothy grin is fun. A smile is not. Ask the most artistic person in your family to help you with this task. A pumpkin with fangs is not what you are after. Anyway, you will have to take what you get. A snaggle toothed pumpkin can be cool. Make it work.

4. Wield the sharp knife and cut out the top of the pumpkin. In a circular motion. Then pull out, scrape out, or let the family dog back in and let them lick the pumpkin clean of the seeds and the yuck. There is a lot of yuck coming. Ew. Pumpkin seed lovers in your family may clamor for this privilege. Let them. They most likely have a pumpkin seed roasting contest planned. Yay for them. The kids love this part. They soon will be covered in pumpkin goo. Charming. Have the camera ready. And a hose.

5. Again, using the sharp knife, cut out the eyes, nose and smile. Pray that the face is drawn on the pumpkin right. Did I mention that you need to be sober for this task? That is a must. Sober pumpkin carving is an important trait. If you don't have it, cut real slow. With a tiny knife. You may make it awhile before needing to visit the emergency room. Blood always puts all in a Halloween mood, on the bright side. Gory and chilling. And maybe expensive.

6. Place your carved pumpkin on the porch with a lit candle inside of it. It should look magnificent. Creepy. Or maybe even funny. Who knows? I know that this has all been quite tiring, but do not leave a lit pumpkin on your front porch and go to sleep. Unless you have a fondness for being awakened at three in the morning by the fire department. Just saying. Seriously. Have a happy Halloween! Oh, don't forget to let the dog back in. He might eat the pumpkin. Mercy.