How Not to Get Your Ex Back

If you're reading this, then you want to know all he steps you need to take to ensure that the ex (girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband/significant other/life partner) will never take you back, no matter how much you want them to. I have devised such a method which has worked on 100% of all cases on which its been trialed on, namely myself. If you follow the below steps then not only will your ex not want to be with you but they will also most likely end up sleeping with someone else.

Step 1 - The Break-up

Well obvious really. You have to be broken up if you want to actually get back together. Common sense really. But you have to do this in such a way that you are completely sorry for what you did, but doing it in a way that they do not believe that you actually are sorry. I recommend infidelity with a person who you would initially find attractive, but the attraction fades as soon as you are no longer with your original partner. And if you can squeeze it in, lie. Lying is essential in breakdown that pesky bond of trust that develops with two people who have been together for any length of time.

However, the lying must be done in such a way that it is believable. You have to ensure that the person does not catch you out lying. Such amateurish dedication to the notion of truth must be quelched. If they realise you are lying too early in the game, they will easily confront you, and you are on your way to repairing your damaged, but yet still salvageable relationship.

No.

Lie as if the very fate of the universe (and if you wish the universe of others) depends on it. Now that you have constructed such an elaborate falsehood. Let them find out. Now there are a few options, the ubiquitous existence of the mobile phone lends itself to our aid. A few stored messages which fully incriminate you, let it lie on the coffee table or on your dresser. Most people are unable to resist snooping. Email is another good forum for exposure. I would suggest not posting any video footage onto YouTube.com as this borders on the crass and disrespectful.

Once you have done all these things, you should be well on the way to being over. Now we move on to step two.

Step 2 - Beg

Beg, grovel, whinge, whine, cajole, wheedle. Whatever it takes to make you look like the pathetic excuse of a human being you are. Make them see, just how screwed up you are, forget you've been spending the last 5 or so years trying to hide it. Right now, at this moment when the relationship is at its most fragile is the time to release and bare all those pent up neuroses. Let them see the messed up individual they didn't know the were going out with, do this a lot. Call them excessively, obsess about your relationship, talk about nothing else with them. This ensures frustration on their part and as well as ensuring in their mind that your visage is ultimately linked to them being miserable.

Step 3 - Lose it

Now that you've shown your ex just how messed up you really are inside, it's now time to show them how messed up you can be on the outside. Let yourself go. Stop shaving (this can both apply to men and women). Get really fat. Get really depressed and stop turning up to work. Lose your job. Get into financial strife. Find some sort of destructive escapism behaviour. I suggest alcohol, its not as glamorous or dangerously enticing as other methods and also, since you are now unemployed and lack both the drive and the ability to find another job, the fact that it is cheap is another bonus. Lament on your situation and depress all those around you.

Step 4 - Repeat steps 2 and steps 3

As many times as required, but if you want you can mix it up. Lose it for 3 months and then go back to wheedling and begging. Or take it longer. Its entirely up to you. There's no exact science here, but once you hear phrases like "I've slept with someone else" or "I've completely given up on you as a partner" or "I hate that you don't just want to be friends." then you are truly on your way to never getting them back. Just keep on keeping on, and you will find that after a few months they will no longer find you the least bit attractive or have any emotion for you other than pity.