How to Not Fail at the Gym

Just follow these eight pointers - print them out on a wallet-sized card if you find it convenient - and you too can be a winner at the gym! We've got tips for both the ladies and the gents, let's kick it off with the gentlemen first:

1) Don't Pretend To Text On Your Phone While Taking Pictures

Seriously, everyone knows what you're doing, and it's only a matter of time before you get thrown out and/or get your ass kicked. This applies to men taking pictures of the ladies Thighmaster machines and positioning themselves conveniently behind the treadmills when that spandex-clad goddess just happens to get on for her daily sweat session, but it also applies in the men's locker room as well. Fellows - they have this thing called The Internet now, and on it are all the pictures you could possibly imagine. Not only that, but full-motion video, and you can get whatever it is you are looking for no matter how specific or kinky. Blurry stealth cell phone pics have been rendered obsolete. Please get with the times and have some respect, pervs of the world. Thank you.

2) Don't Use The Hair Dryer To Dry Your Junk

I understand the appeal here when you step out of the shower, but please, consideration for everyone else who is going to use these things. Not to mention people who walk by when you have one leg in the air and a hand back there spreading things around for maximum convection.

3) Don't Be The Middle-Aged Dude That Grunts Super Loud With Every Rep

It isn't attractive. No one is looking at you. Men or women. No one finds it sexy. In fact, grunting and groaning while lifting 75 to 100 lb. of weight is really more laughable than anything else. Seriously, guy.

4) Don't Shave Your Pubes In The Shower

Seriously, what.

And now, for the ladies:

1) Don't Flip Out Every Time A Man Comes Within Five Feet Of You

Ladies, I understand there's a lot of creeps around. Especially in the cities, where loneliness is endemic and many people can't handle it properly. Even though I'm a dude, I'm a hetero dude that lives in San Francisco and regularly uses the gym, and believe me, I understand how you feel. Still, you don't need to go into Paranoiac Panic Mode the second a man comes within five feet of you. Believe it or not, he may actually not be trying to stare at or grope you. He might just be waiting on a machine near you, or trying to get through a crowded area, or looking to see if a machine near you is opening up, or looking at a clock you happen to be standing right in front of, or doing any number of any other things that have nothing to do with you and your average-looking, uninteresting self. So, please, dial it down a notch, huh?

2) If You Don't Like Being Looked At, Consider Possibly Wearing Less Revealing Clothing

If you go to the gym to work out, and yet feel like you are always fending off the lustful stares of ne'er-do-wells, you might consider that their attention may be diverted somewhat by not wearing skin-hugging bodysuits, extremely short shorts, white shirts that become transparent when you are drenched in sweat, or push-up bras with low-cut tank tops. These things might be interpreted by unevolved creatures as being an invitation to ogling. As Dave Chappelle aptly put it, I'm sure you're not a whore, but it's confusing as hell to men when you wear the uniform.

3) Don't Camp The Abdominal/Lower Back Machines For An Hour

I understand that ladies like to focus on the core. You see, the thing is, 50 to 100 reps with almost zero weight and a tiny range of motion does absolutely nothing for your body at all. I know it's easy, and it makes you feel like you are doing a thorough workout without having to do all that nasty sweating and that painful straining, but people are waiting for these machines, you know? People who are actually here to work out. You can pretend to do sit-ups from the comfort of your couch at home - save money on a gym membership in these tough economic times!

4) Don't Use The Hair Dryer To Dry Your Junk

I understand the appeal here when you step out of the shower, but please, consideration for everyone else who is going to use these things. Not to mention people who walk by when you have one leg in the air and a hand back there spreading things around for maximum convection.