How Not to Handle Your Teen's Problems

Uh-oh, Mom or Dad. Your teen has a problem, and she's come to you for help. Now you must decide how to respond. Do you play the cool parent? The strict disciplinarian? The best friend? Do you buy her clothes? Does she still like clothes today?

For many parents, handling the child they've raised for years suddenly poses an all new challenge once he or she hits puberty. Their moods, style, friends and behaviors seem to change constantly; and trying to advise them when they're having a problem may feel like navigating a mine field. Something that worked last year may lead to a blow up today.

I can't tell you what will work best for your teen, since they're all different people with different personalities, but the list below outlines a few parental behaviors that will, more likely than not, lead you right into trouble; and therefore, should be avoided when handling your teen's problems.

Making it into a joke

We've all been told that laughter is the best medicine, but this doesn't always apply to teenagers. When well-intentioned parents try to put a humorous light on a teen's dilemmas, it may backfire. Instead of alleviating the pain, you may give the impression that you don't take his issues seriously or that you actually find it funny. As much as it hurts to see your child crying or angry, he may need to go through those emotions now. If he didn't, he probably wouldn't choose to feel them.

Telling them you're too busy

This is a bad reaction to children of any age, but teenagers especially, and not just because later they'll use it as an excuse for all the emo clothing and sudden rejection against everything your family loves. They can find other excuses for that. I know I did.

No, the issue here is that what seems petty to you is likely the most important thing going on in your child's world. They've chosen to come to you over all their peers, so it must be something very personal and serious. If you can't take a break from your work for that, you're essentially saying "you and your thoughts don't matter very much." Your child is probably getting enough of that at school. Does he really need to hear it from his mom or dad?

Giving them "Bad" advice

Saying "it's bad to give bad advice" may sound moronic, but a number of parents do give out what is obviously bad advice. The classic example is telling your teenager to fight a bully. That may work out fine in movies, but I've seen it tried and failed in real life. It's not pretty. At best, it ends in embarrassment in front of the bully and all witnesses. At worst, it could lead a normally-good kid to arrest or injury. Bullies these days have weapons and schools have police officers. Besides, do you really want to encourage your kid to solve his problems with violence?

Other "bad" advice examples include the following: "Try out for the cheerleading squad/football team if you want more friends", "Walk right over and tell him/her how you feel!", "Take that extra advanced class that you don't need in a subject you struggle with because it will look good on college transcripts."

Sheesh, talk about easier said than done! It's as if some people forget everything that happened to them in high school!

Taking care of the problem yourself

While occasionally it is called for (parental and school involvement in bullying may actually lead to some relief), sometimes taking care of everything for your child is just as bad as giving "bad" advice. After your teen is dumped by her boyfriend, she doesn't need her mother yelling at her ex's father about his deviant son. Likewise, when your son isn't turning in his homework, complaining to the principal about his teacher's unfair grading policies may not be the place to start.

Telling them "wait until you're an adult"

That's easy for you to say now, Mr. or Ms. I'm-A-Grown-Up-With-Real-Problems. Yes, your teen's troubles may seem insignificant to you now that you've experienced these things repeatedly, but this new to your child. He was just thrown out of the ease of childhood into a world of cliques, shallowness, and uncertainty that requires him to, for the first time, make real moral decisions that could affect his life in ways you can no longer fix.

If he got a boo-boo on the playground when he was 6, you were there with a band-aid. Now he must decide whether impressing peers is worth taking dangerous risks, and he needs you now more than ever. Telling him that this is nothing compared to what he'll face in the future, however true, is irrelevant and not exactly uplifting. He needs your support, not your disillusionment.

More from this contributor:

Tips for Raising Strong and Empowered Girls

Cyberbullying and Your Children: What You Need to Know

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