How Not to Learn a Second Language

For almost as long as I can remember, I have been fascinated by people who spoke languages besides English. I've bought Hebrew and Thai translating dictionaries for the sheer entertainment value, even though I had no interest in actually learning those languages. I've bought childrens' books in French and Spanish, because I thought it was cool.

Aside from simply collecting these things, there has been a sort of method to my madness. I've wanted to be able to speak at least two languages for years. Unfortunately, I haven't achieved anything near fluency yet, in any language, despite having taken several years of Spanish in school.

One of these days, I hope to achieve my goal and be able to speak at least three languages besides English (Spanish, French & Italian). I thought I might share some of my tips on the various mistakes I've made and how you can possibly avoid them.

If you don't want to become bilingual, you should:

1.) Take a traditional language course. Memorizing seemingly random vocabulary words like 'las ropas' is fun when you can't construct a valid sentence with it!

2.) Don't bother practicing. You'll learn by osmosis from the books as they sit on your desk. Stare at them for awhile. Don't you feel smarter already?

3.) Don't look for someone who speaks your target language. Your accent is fine and it's perfectly acceptable to string words together that way.

4.) When you go to your local library, don't bother checking out what they have. Who cares if it's free, you're better off buying your own.

On the other hand, here are some tips that I've discovered that you should do if you want to learn another language:

1.) Look for a 'Pimsleur' course in your target language at your local library. These are very expensive, at $200 per level, but they get away with it because it works so well. People that successfully listen to all 90 lessons (30 per level) are supposed to achieve near fluency when speaking the other language.

2.) Rosetta Stone software is supposed to be very good and, from the demos they offer, I would have to agree. They are terribly expensive, however. There is really no way around this; there are many cheaper or even free programs, but they don't work as well. If you want to be able to write in the other language, you should invest in this.

3.) Try to learn at least one new word per day. By this, I mean how to spell it and how to properly pronounce it. This is one word per day, in addition to what you are learning with Rosetta Stone and/or Pimsleur. Learn things that apply to you that the lessons aren't going to cover: If you're a cook, learn how to say the ingredients of your favorite dish.

4.) It helps to find a native speaker of your intended language who can speak English at least fairly well, even if it's just over the internet. Many penpal sites hook up beginners up with beginners. This can be frustrating for both sides, since there is no common language. Try asking on message boards where you already hang out if there is anyone that can help you.

5.) It helps to listen to music sung in your intended language. It can get you used to the sounds of that language, and maybe you'll even find yourself singing along.

6.) Once you've got a bit of a vocabulary, start looking for news or other websites in whatever language you're attempting to learn.

Following the guidelines and tips above, I'm hoping to finally become bilingual at last. After that, a polyglot!