How Not to Light Yourself on Fire

Have you ever said to yourself, "golly, I wish I were not on fire?" If you're like me, you've said it plenty of times. Too many, in fact. Well, with the help of this Article of Great Helpfulness, you can avoid ever saying it again, by not lighting yourself on fire.

First off, a good general rule is "never play with fire." Sure, playing with fire is fun, and is great for parties, and some people can even get fame and fortune from it (fire eaters, fire jugglers, and that monk who lit himself on fire). But playing with fire should only be done by paid professionals, so if you absolutely have to play with fire, be sure to call it "rehearsal."

So, since you can't play with fire, I guess that means that you're not allowed to do anything with it at all, right? Wrong! Fire has many helpful uses, such as providing heat, light, and a deterrent against Frankenstein's monster. But in order to take advantage of these benefits, you have to learn how to handle fire without becoming engulfed in flame in the process, and it is my aim with this article to teach you to do just that.

First off, when starting a fire, be sure that you are starting it in a safe area - i.e. a fireplace, a barbecue grill, or a campsite (if you are campsite has an approved camp fire location in it). If you stick to these locations, that's a good start to fire safety, but be careful - there are still dangers. For example, one time I thought that I was lighting a fire in a fireplace, but instead it turned out to be a cardboard Christmas display in my local supermarket advertising coca-cola. And the worst part was, even though the cola distinguished the flames, I'm still not allowed back in the store! Lighting a fire and getting thrown out of a grocery store is a double whammy that you should avoid!

When you start a fire in a pre-approved location, you should make sure that you are using safe materials to do so - either dry wood and kindling or charcoals are best. For those of you who are impatient, you can buy products such as fire starter logs, lighter fluid, or gasoline to speed up the process. The key to all of these products is moderation - don't fill your fireplace with gasoline and then light it on fire, because gas is expensive these days and it's a pity to waste it.

Now that you've got a nice happy fire going, what are you going to do with it? If you said "jump in it," then you haven't gotten the full gist of this article, because jumping in a fire will almost surely cause you to go up in flames, which is exactly the opposite goal of what I'm talking about. And if you're saying now "but it's opposite day, I'm supposed to do the opposite of what you want," be warned that your fireplace, like everybody older than age six, disregards the rules of opposite day, and will burn you nonetheless.

My personal favorite thing to do with a fire is to make s'mores - a delicious treat made with marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers. And what is the safest way of making s'mores? In the microwave! So while that fire is roaring, go stick your marshmallow and chocolate in the microwave, zap it for a few seconds until they get melty, and then squeeze them between two halves of a graham cracker, and then eat them in front of the fire as you celebrate not being in terrible agony because you're being burned!

Now that you've got your s'mores, it's time to put out the fire. Some of you may remember back to your school days when you learned that the best way to put out a fire is to stop, drop, and roll. Well I'm here to debunk that myth, because I had a big fire going last night, and when it was time to go to bed I tried putting it out by rolling around on the ground, and it didn't do any good. So then I thought maybe I had to stop drop and roll IN the fire, not NEAR it, but the only good that did was giving me inspiration to write an article on how to avoid my mistakes when it comes to lighting yourself on fire. Indeed, the lesson I learned last night is that when you want to put out a fire in your fireplace, the actual best way is to turn a little knob next to the fire, and it will go out on its own. But be sure to turn it the right way, or the flames will get even bigger, and you might get burned!

So, now you know the best ways to not light yourself on fire. Use your knowledge well, and enjoy its great helpfulness in the future!