How NOT to Name Your Baby

Whether it's your great-grandmother's middle name or that best friend in grade school whose name you always wished was yours, there are some wonderful names out there to bestow upon your baby. Yes, the possibilities are endless, just please, be kind. There are so many parents out there who go crazy with this task. They have cursed their children with names they will spend their whole lives re-pronouncing and re-spelling for people, it makes you wonder, is it truly worth it being so "unique?"

Over the years, popular baby names have come in waves. I myself fell into the popularity pit of the 70's names. There were five Jennifer's and six Lisa's in one class my seventh grade year. Even after adding our last initial, (Lisa M., Lisa C., etc.) there were STILL duplicates. The poor teacher didn't have a chance.

Soon to follow was the ever-popular soap opera era of the 80's. I think every other 20 year old today is named Alexis, Kayla or Blake. These were names associated with glamour, power and intrique. (Perhaps 80's moms sewed shoulder pads into their babies onesies!)

Now, it seems the whole baby naming thing has finally come to a head. All the possible names in the world have been taken, so now parents have resorted to creating their own. This is not a good idea. How long is it going to take little Breanngelique or Elizabethanny to learn to spell her name? There are a few pitfalls that many parents fall into when choosing a name for their baby. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

Hyphens and Aphostrophies

It used to be that an accent was put above a syllable in a name to show where to put the emphasis. Now, parents have taken to adding hyphens and apostrophies to names in order to help in correct pronunciation of their child's name. Names like Shy-ann and Mi'Kayla. Are these really necessary? Excessive use of punctuation is not the way you want your child's name to stand out. What's next, Meli$$a and %avier?

Vowels

Baby names that were once normal, simple and sweet now have tons of extra letters in them. Ashley, Lori and Megan are now Ashleigh, Lauree and Meagahan. No longer can children go to the store and find little name plates or pencils with their names on them. These spellings are so "special," parents could spend a small fortune getting personalized ANYTHING for their kids.

One Word: BULLIES

Do you want your child to be harrassed and taunted for life? Do you want them to run home from school crying because YOU thought it would be cute to name them Cricket, Stallion or Buttercup? We all loved "The Princess Bride," but c'mon, your baby deserves better.

Celebrity Wannabe's

Picture it... a West Hollywood Starbucks, 2025. Apple, Coco and Moxi CrimeFighter are chatting over Double Venti Cafe Macchiatos... they all have weird names, but it's Hollywood and most things ARE weird. But is your little Apple Smith going to be as accepted as easily in the midwest? Perhaps things will all fall into place years later when her children's babies call her Granny Smith!

Last Names

What's in a name? A lot when you consider what you're starting with, so you should definitely keep your surname in mind. Are you sure you want to name your baby Candy Cain or Crystal Ball? Remember, someday, this baby is going to be an elderly woman. It'll be hard enough she has to live with the trendy lower-back tattoo that's drifted south of the border, let alone having all the other folks in the nursing home snickering behind her back.

So, the bottom line is, when you're pouring over books and searching the endless internet databases for the perfect name for your child, try to keep in mind that, just because you think it would be "cute" doesn't make the name fun or appropriate. There are ways of expressing the joys of parenthood that do not involve a ball and chain. Welcome your baby into the world with a name you'll be happy with for years to come, one they can learn to spell before they're forty and will be proud to call their own.