How Not to Repond to a Personal Ad

Dear Men of the World,

Please stop responding to my personal ad. While there is a lot that I enjoy about online dating, it is very depressing to have my stereotypical notions about men's social incompetence, egotism, and their obsession with their penises reinforced. Seriously. I'm getting carpel tunnel syndrome just from clicking the delete button.

But I know there are great guys out there in the online dating world who want to meet me, whom I want to meet, but who are just diabolically bad at responding to a personal ad.

So if you're a great guy and you want to answeri my personal ad (which is, I know, very compelling and attractive because I am a highly desirable woman), please I'm begging you, follow these 10 simple guidelines to making online dating fun again:

1.Do not use the phrase "well hung" or in any other way indicate the size or shape of your penis. Unless my personal ad specifically requests such information, you may rest assured that I genuinely do not care. Also, don't send me a picture of your penis. I will not be dating your penis. Ew.

2.Do not ask for a picture unless you send one. And don't only send a picture and write, "Send me a pic and we'll see where it goes!" Part of the glory of online dating is that it's about who the person is, rather than just what they look like. I'm hot, trust me, but how about a conversation first?

3.Do tell me what you liked about my personal ad. Be specific. Be complimentary. Be charming. Be polite. Wouldn't you do that in real life? Consider it the online dating equivalent to opening the door for me. Make me feel special.

4.I put some effort into my personal ad so that nice guys like you would respond. Do the same for me, wouldja? Ideally we'll go from online dating to 3-D dating, but to get that far, you need to capture my attention. Say something that makes me go, "OooooOOOOoooh!" or makes me laugh. And I mean make me laugh in the good way. Talking about your penis will make me laugh too, but it won't cause me to write you back.

5.While I appreciate that you own your own car, have a job, and do not live with your parents, those really are the bare minimum requirements. Instead of distinguishing yourself from the losers who don't have a car, a job, and an apartment, tell me what sets you apart from all the guys who do. I did not post a personal ad in order to attract losers, I posted it to attract the very best. Are you the very best? Then tell me about it.

6.Be single. Seriously.

7.The sentence, "I like music, books, movies, and having fun," is completely meaningless. I mean, you're telling me this because you're unlike all the other guys, who don't like music, books, movies, and having fun? Ferchrissake tell me which music, books, and movies, and tell me what you do for fun. Warning: if it's tractor pulls or demolition derbies, I won't be writing back.

8.Don't be creepy. Specifically, don't send me a 12 page autobiography where you outline the ways in which your mother shaped your ideas of how a woman should treat you. (I mention this because I really did receive such an email.) My personal ad is not an autobiography, it's a tiny précis. Online dating goes in baby steps, just like real life dataing. Also, don't beg, as in "PLEASE GIVE ME A CHANCE I KNOW I CAN GIVE YOU THE CARING AND LOVE YOU NEED." While you're at it, never write in all caps and don't use run-on sentences. God I hate that.

9.If I don't respond, don't write again!

10.Never, ever lie. I will find out about it eventually, and when I do, I will never speak to you again. If finding a way for me never to speak to you is your goal, the best way to do that is not to write to me.

I can't guarantee that I'll respond to you even if you do follow the guidelines, but I can guarantee that I won't laugh at you, snort derisively, roll my eyes, or forward your message to all my girlfriends with the note: "Biggest. Loser. Ever."

Promise.

Love 'n Kisses
Emily