How to Be the Not-So-Wicked Stepmother

For any woman, getting married comes with a brand new set of challenges. Those challenges double in size when the man you marry has children from a previous relationship. Becoming a stepmother can definitely be one of the single most challenging experiences in any woman's life, but it can certainly be one of the most rewarding.

Every family is different. Every family's circumstances are as unique as the people in the family. No matter how your new family came about, there are always going to be factors that are out of your control. There are a few things you should consider when it comes to being the best stepmother you can possibly be:

Remember that while you're married to their father, they are not your children. Discuss your role in their lives with their father first and foremost, then with them. Let your husband tell his children how he expects them to interact with you. He may tell them that they must listen to you just as they listen to him, or he may decide that he is still their primary caregiver and rule-enforcer. His decision should be fair to both you and the children, so you do not become the enemy.

Show an interest in the lives of your stepchildren. Get involved in their social lives. Attend sporting events and other extracurricular activities if they express a desire for you to attend. Don't try too hard or try to push yourself into their lives. Make time for your stepchildren, but do not pry into their business.

As with everything else, communication is essential. Develop an open line of communication by talking and respecting their wishes. Do not break their trust in you. If they come to you with something and ask you not to share with their father, do not betray their trust by going to him. There is, however, one exception - if the secret they've shared in confidence is critical, he should know (but ask him not to tell the kids that you were the source of his knowledge).

Don't put on a false persona with your stepchildren. Be yourself. Your relationship with your stepchildren should be unique. Don't try to imitate or replace their mother. Never talk badly about their mother either. Establish a level of communication with her if possible. If you and their mother can get along on even a minor level, it can help the kids tremendously - and it can hurt them deeply if you don't.

Be patient! You're the outsider here. Remember that the children did not choose you - their father did - and their standards are probably far more rigid than you'd like them to be. You have to earn their respect and love. Do not expect miracles to happen overnight.

Becoming a working blended family often takes a lot of effort, but if you work at making the transition a pleasant one and create a peaceful, positive living environment, time will do the rest.