How (Not) to Wax Your Legs

For some reason I didn't really think it would hurt. I have a foggy memory of doing it in high school, but all my memories of high school are kinda foggy so for all I know, I could've just been suffering through an exceptionally painful test. Anyway, years later I finally got tired of shaving and decided that I would try out waxing. It hurts.

Seriously, there are no other words for it. I'm no wimp, I had two children with no painkillers whatsoever (one of whom got stuck and there were hands going places hands should NEVER be... But that's another story) I know pain. However, at the end of that, you get a baby. At the end of waxing, you get to pass out. Unless of course, you have children. And then you get one of them deciding to come attack your legs and rub their sticky little hands all over them which is almost as bad as the act itself. Perhaps if I'd had someone else do it, but at a starting rate of $75 per leg (who waxes one leg anyway???) I have to do it myself.

The first one goes on easy. I was cocky, didn't know what I'd gotten myself into. I even went so far as to put TWO strips on my leg. I have no idea what I was thinking, I've seen that episode of "Friends" I saw the pain. So, I'm watching TV with my glass of wine and various cheeses next to me (no greedy cat to try and steal from me at this point and the kids were asleep) and as I was watching King Henry take yet another maid to bed I ripped the strip off. When I regained consciousness I tried to pull myself up from the floor and realized I couldn't move one hand. It was glued to the strip that was only halfway off my leg. Still, the arrogance stuck with me. I took a swig of my now warm wine and ripped with all my strength. This time I remained awake and after the immediate screaming was over I bent to look at my work. Two hairs were gone. I'd forgotten to pull the skin taut. I decided quickly that must've been my problem, gulped some more wine and held my leg with one hand while tearing the second strip off with the other. One fourth of the way through I fell to the ground, trembling.

Two days later that strip came off in the shower.

A few weeks after that the situation was becoming serious. I'd complained about my husband scratching me with his forest-like legs in bed and discovered that not only was that my own leg scratching my other, Husband wasn't even in the room. So, I pulled out the kit again. This time I meant business. I drank half a bottle of wine (thank G-d for babysitters!) and began waxing.

Five days later I had finished an entire leg.

That was a few months ago. I'm now to the point where I can get through BOTH my legs in five days, I'm so proud. At the end of the day however, I have to gear myself up with lots of pep talks and the thought that eventually my running partner will follow through with his threats to weedwacker me if I keep sweating in pants on our runs. (Seeing as I'm soaked with sweat and tired before we even make it through our warm up, I see his point) Then, I wait until I have the house to myself and the waxing begins.

And one day, I'm sure I'll actually stay cognizant the entire way through the process.