How to Obtain the Coldest Revenge

Eventually it happens to all of us: someone we know or thought we knew really gives it to us hard. It could be a word or a deed, but they have simply pushed us beyond.

When it is time for revenge the smartest thing to do is to relax. This is almost impossible to do when you are steaming furiously but if you say or do anything to tip them off at how upset you are, they WILL know it is you when the time comes for their comeuppance. Walk away, go home, cry into your pillow--do whatever it takes to prevent that creep from knowing how hurt you really are.

The next step in obtaining true revenge is to pretend to forget. Imagine you are a dumb puppy who forgives everything and pretend to ignore the slight or act as if you feel that you were in the wrong. Do what you have to in order for that douchebag to think you want to be friends with them. This "friendship" will be key to your next steps.

Use your friendship to learn everything that you can about them. If they belong to a fundamentalist church but dress in drag on weekends, take friendly photos as you go out together. Catch a quiet video with your phone of him hitting that bong at a bachelor party.

Note what they talk about. If they mention that they are defrauding someone or doing anything illegal make mental notes of everything on the subject. Remembering everything and taking notes is key to a beautiful revenge setup. Don't be obvious about it--just look fascinated at your friend's stupidity for sharing their illegal activities with you.

Photographs and videos are especially helpful if you can quietly take them. Those pics of the meth lab he has in the garage or that Kiddie porn collection will be especially damning. If you can get sufficient evidence that they are cheating on their significant other grab it as well.

Allow your collection of secrets to amass while you quietly pretend to be their friend. Every angle that looks damning deserves a quick pic! Get them really drunk and recording them raving about someone or something (like a boss, or threatening a politician) will be especially valuable, but primarily focus on the stupid stuff that you can get without being noticed. Just be the one who is always checking your text messages, secretly snapping pics when you can. Everyone has secrets, and you want to learn them all!

After you gather enough evidence start sending anonymous tips to the various agencies. You can locate anonymous tip hotlines in almost any local area. Do not use your real name for anything--just make up a name totally unrelated to yours for additional protection. Hide your phone number on the caller ID or use an anonymous email service if you are especially concerned about getting caught. Include any photographs, videos or sound clips of your mark doing whatever illegal thing you have seen him doing. You want solid evidence, not hearsay.

If you report everything at one time your mark will start getting some really strange visits. Police, immigration, IRS or whatever agencies you contact will slowly start showing up in this person's life. The evidence you provided will give them incentive to really dig into this person and make their life miserable. Sending the stuff to different news agencies while asking for help reporting these crimes is especially damning, because the reporters will contact the agencies and want to know WHY this person is being allowed to get away with this? Cops hate being asked why they haven't done their jobs and will be especially upset at the mark.

Use an anonymous re-mailer to send the significant other some of the photos and videos you have recorded. Make sure that you don't physically touch the paper, envelopes or anything in the package to protect yourself and use cash to pay for the items. This will increase the misery in the mark's life, especially if you have evidence indicating infidelity.

When all of this stuff starts happening your mark will wonder "why me?" You, as the best friend in disguise will be safe from suspicion while this all plays out and you will be in a front row seat while the jerk gets to twist in the wind at your mercy.

Once you start reporting things, do NOT continue to report new information as you collect it. The mark will be unsuspecting of everyone when you start and will quickly become paranoid when stuff starts hitting their fan. Continue to behave normally with your "texting" but make sure that is all that you are doing after you start the action rolling--just in case your mark gets suspicious of even you! This is why it is best to wait until you gather as much information to hit them on as many different angles as you can before you strike.

Sit back and quietly enjoy watching your mark squirm, or you can become "stressed out" at the constant problems in your friend's life now and start fading away. Do this as gradually as possible to avoid any suspicion. Alternately, you can reveal that you are the cause of this grief, but I recommend just fading into the background instead. This gives you the option of renewing your attack in a few months or years should they ever decide to upset you again--and avoids alerting others to the dangers of ticking you off!

Tips:
Make sure that you do NOT report anything that you know the mark is NOT doing. False accusations can get you into trouble for slander and harassment--and it will not bring you good Karma. Only report the truth and don't worry--everyone has at least one skeleton in their closet you can reveal!

Do not use your real name or anything that can remotely connect you to the actions. If you are male, pretend to be a female as you start your silent attack and vice versa. Pretend to be a good citizen reporting these horrible things, and do not ever hint at who you really are.

Do not talk about the stuff unless the mark mentions it and if he/she does do not discuss the issue in depth. It is okay to allow them to talk while offering simple sympathetic comments: "Oh, that's horrible! I'm sorry! What happened?" are all acceptable but do NOT get into an in-depth conversation about the trouble. You may say too much accidentally and tip your hand.

Avoid the petty pranks that you read about in the revenge books. Most of these may be annoying to your mark, but they can also be illegal. It isn't illegal to let the Pope know you went dancing with your cross-dressing pastor--or in sending him pictures of the event, but it is illegal to make prank calls, report nonexistent crimes or otherwise slander anyone.

Above all, do not tell anyone how much you hate the mark for what they did to you. Do not ever indicate that you would love to get back at him or her to anyone; someone may be watching you and information like that could be the ammo they desire. Revenge-seekers are never looked upon fondly, so never ever hint that it ever crosses your mind.

This is the slow way of revenge; it is cold and very effective. Done correctly you can create a world of trouble in exchange for the pain they caused you or even change their life forever. Consider this well before choosing the pursuit of revenge, for it may not be worthwhile to expend your time and energy on a worthless sack of trash--and note that the results could be something that bothers your conscience forever.